Honk If You Love Badgers

The Cantaloupe

Well I have a lot to say and very little time to say it. Okay I have time to say it, it's just you may not, so I'm going to waste it with some amusing commentary on life and me and you. So over the weekend I was up in our province's "wonderful" capital city, Edmonton. Because my "wonderful" friend Nathan is getting married to a "wonderful" girl, we had to go and celebrate it by taking him on a wild ride. Yes, this was the so-called bachelor party. Yes, and it was "wonderful". We did lots of cool things.

"Wonderful" Truths and Lies

On the way up to Edmonton we drove together in a three car convoy. It was pretty cool. Either way we had received this construction paper and markers on which we could make signs to communicate with people. Well, my quick thinking friend Dan decided to make a sign saying, "Give the Green Neon the Finger". We showed this sign to all of the cars that passed us. Well apparantly a couple of them headed the sign's warnings. This made me wonder what kind of power signs have over people. I'm not necessarily questioning some people's intellegence, but...

Bartlet (young teenager, 12)- Daddy, I reckon that road sign says to finger the green neon.
Farmer DeYontis (country hillbilly, not actually a farmer though)- So it does, boy, but remember what I says about signs by the side of the road.
Bartlet- They're possibly put there by the devil?
FDY- Yes son, so you have to be careful. "Finger the Green Neon" seems to be on the level, but I'm certain "Maximum: 110 km/h" is put there by some devil. You can't drive that slow, boy.
Bartlet- What about that sign? It says that our self-esteem sucks.
FDY- What?! Those idiots in the government always stickin' it to us folk. That reckons me we go and free some raccoons in their houses.
Bartlet- Again? That's boring! We always let loose raccoons.
FDY- Now quit your fussin' like. The government needs to be taught not to stick signs like that in car windows.

Origami, Salami and White Cheddar

So once we were in Edmonton we got to dress Nathan all up-ons in fun garb such as yoga pants, a fuzzy pink hat and large pink feather boa. This apparantly is a bachelor party sort of tradition to make the to-be groom dress in outrageous stuff and then parade them about. It's supposed to be embarassing and demeaning to them, but who does it demean really? If you see a group of people with one person among them dressed wackily you think, "Hmmmm....guy dressed strangely, but those guys seem not to mind it. Guess it's okay."Overall it isn't demeaning at all. If you really want to make the groom look bad, why don't you all dress up crazy and leave the bachelor person dressed normally? Now when you see the group of people you think, "Hmmmm.....why on earth is that normal guy hanging out with a bunch of creeps?" You see, nobody judges the sanity of people who are insane. It's those people who appear to be sane that people judge.

The Bag Of Goodies

What's sad with me is I wait a long time to answer questions and then I can never ask anymore questions. Well enough of that nonsense! I'm going to answer the question about whether a spatula or laundry detergent would be more helpful on a deserted island.

"Duh! The spatula. You can't serve imaginary pie to all your visiting friends who for some reason don't rescue you, with laundry detergent."-Jason P, Calgary
And why not I ask? The best kind of imaginary pie is serving with laundry detergent. Maybe that's why they don't rescue you. They're insulted by the fact you'd rather serve them with an impractical spatula rather than a super awesome bag of laundry detergent.

"laundry detergent! You can't eat a spatula now can you? Detergent is good for you, cleans out your system. It multipurpose. Its shampoo, bubble bath, food, warrior paint, exfolliater, and drink mix, all in one."-Melissa C, Calgary
I can't argue with this reader. Girls are always right or at least my mother has told me. Don't forget laundry detergent is a great weapon as well. As the wild boar is about to gore you with his tusks you pull the detergent out and throw it in his eyes. That way he'll be blinded, keep coming and gore you anyways. You might be dead, but boy will that boar ever wish his eyes didn't sting as much!

"What on earth could you do with detergent? Nothing! Besides burn your skin. Spatulas are an essential part of cooking - they reduce waste! Now since your waist is being reduced already by living on this island, I think you need to be concerned more than ever about food waste, so the spatula comes to save the day!"-Nolan A, Calgary
I can just see it. You somehow killed that wild boar and have been roasting it over a fire. You are eating right off the bone. Since your waist is smaller you can't eat as much as you used to and you have left over boar. So you have to get that meat off the bone somehow so you can store it in your tupperware container. How else other than a spatula? I don't know.

"I would most certainly pick the spatula... how else would you flip over your bacon so you can eat it and then spill on yourself so you would need the laundry detergent in the first place......"-Karla K, Calgary
Mmmmm...bacon. You've won me over. What would life be like without bacon? Fine, the spatula wins.

"'I don't care'... That should answer the question."-Cyler P, Calgary
That's a terrible attitude. One day Mr. Parent you are going to be trapped on an island. Your motorized boat of some sort will crash into a diving pelican and you will be on a sinking ship with laundry detergent on your left and a spatula on your right, knowing you can't possibly take both. If you leave that decision until the last minute you are going to leave it up to chance. Do you really want that? Do you? Knowing every day for the rest of your cursed existance that you made the wrong choice? I think not.

Should I help you out in making this choice? I think maybe I shall give you all a quick guide of things to quickly take with you when you are pressed into a crisis of this magnitude. So here are a number of things that you should look over before you take an item. If it doesn't fit anything on this list, don't bring it.

1) TASTY
This covers bacon and you'll always need bacon.
2) CARRIABLE
When you're about to jump into the water and trying to swim to shore, you'll probably get a desire to take your 1000 pound plutonium statue of Mother Theresa. Yes, she was a great person and deserves to be remembered, but it's a better option to take the tiny pin with Vladimir Lenin's picture on it. Otherwise you may find yourself walking on the bottom of the ocean for a while and most people's lungs find it a wee bit difficult converting oxygen in water.
3) HELPFUL TO YOUR APPEARANCE
When you are trapped on an island, one of the first things that happens to people is they begin to let themselves go. They grow a scruffy beard and the hair is unkempt. Is that a good way to make an impression? I think not, personally. If you take pride in your appearance you'll feel better about yourself. So before you flee a sinking vessel, stop by the washroom and grab a razor, maybe some hair products, possibly some laundry detergent (apparantly it's an exfoliater).
4) MOVING ON IT'S OWN POWER
Before leaving the ship, you must remember that living organisms will help ensure your survival. If you can train them properly, they may come in handy as a worker, or if not, they are usually a food source. Your wife will probably fall into this category. If she is lying there on the deck, give her a kick and see if she moves. If she does, then you can take her ashore. If the refridgerator is sliding across the deck, first make sure it's not the gravity pulling it down before you lug it onto your back.

So based on these rules, let's say you have a choice between taking a 1000 pound half lizard-half cow creature that blows bubbles and some matches, you have to look at these four things. The only advantage the matches have is that you'd be able to get them to shore. Other than that, the creature will taste better when you cook it. It will definitely help your appearance, because food makes you not look like a starved person. And it's moving, so you should take it. Just because that creature attacked your ship and caused it to sink is no reason to run away screaming. Just because it's bubbles are poisonous simply to the touch is no reason to cry like a school girl. You're a survivor and you will survive.

Curtains and Retinal Scans

May is upon us. The summer is coming. Will I have explain what that means in an upcoming issue? Maybe. Will I have to eat in the meantime? Yes. Will you? Well you don't HAVE to. But do, okay? Thanks

Trevor YVR Plett

(The origin of the half-lizard half-cow creature is found in the land of Norway where they decided that the lack of deadly beasts was causing their people to become "soft". So they attracted the lizard to the cow by giving the cow pills that made it incredibly sultry. Yes, that cow was pretty attractive. Especially during the lizard mating season. Well the results were almost too good. This new creature which I'm going to call a Joybirdfish killed many off the people in the country and has recently been proved to be immortal. The people became petrified which the government decided was close enough to being tough. The End)