Lava is All Around

The Cantaloupe

You know how I always randomly affect things with my Cantaloupe articles? Like when I talked about how it never snowed last year and it started snowing and I think I did that again this year. Either way, the Singles Awareness Day one was like that. Someone commented, "Your making this out to be leprosy. Do you think it's that serious?" Yes, singleness is a terrible thing. Over 50% of people worldwide die from this disease. How can you argue with such staggering statistics? Back to the topic though. I've learned a lot of things recently and since I've learned a lot of things I feel inclined to share. If you loved that last issue, because it described your life perfectly, feel free to skip this issue, because well...it won't.

Regarding Pillows

The other day I met this girl and she was really cool. Either way, because of this, I am going to theme this issue towards fun things like dating or whatever. One thing I know is there are way too many chick flicks with their so-called cliche love lines in there. Why say the same things that Tom Hanks said to Meg Ryan like one hundred times? So I'm going to give you a guide on things that you SHOULD tell your significant other.

"I think you may have just fallen into a pool of molten lava"
Translation- "You're hot"
Explanation- A volcano may erupt of any time, throwing smoke and ash into the sky. When you tell someone that they have fallen into a pit of molten lava, it's a good feeling that erupts inside that person and they'll throw you a party maybe.

"Your attire makes me remember the time when dinosaurs ruled the earth in a great yet tragically short reign."
Translation- "You look good in that"
Explanation- Just as dinosaurs lived and then died, it will be a shame when you cannot see your significant other in what they are wearing, because it looks so good. That's how they are like the dinosaurs.

"If all the king's horses and men were like you, we'd never eat eggs again"
Translation- "You complete me"
Explanation- Remember Humpty Dumpty? Well in pictures he is always an egg. The king's horses and men could not put him together again, but this person can put you together. Wait I don't know what that even means. Forget this one.

"There's plenty more koalas where those came from"
Translation- "You make me feel special"
Explanation- Okay I admit it, I thought up a phrase and then randomly assigned a meaning to it. But don't koalas make a person feel special? They're fluffy and Fluffy is awesome or at least I think so. Actually I think this saying was originated by Shakespeare. If I say that, maybe you'll believe me.

Finally, there comes a time in a relationship when you have to say that common phrase, but everyone says that common phrase so...

"Will you help plan a large scale event which will fundamentally alter both our lives that costs us a ton of money, includes our friends and relatives and ends with us going off to some secret location and doing things that if we saw our parents doing them would scar us permenantly?"
Translation- Well if you can't figure out that the saying is "Will you marry me?" you haven't thought of things very well.
Explanation- Relationships are supposed to be open and honest. Sometimes people want to get married, but they don't know what it will be like. So why just ask a vague question? Specify these things and it will make the moment so much more meaningful (or meaningless maybe).

Koalas are fluffy and so are Ostriches and since Fluffy is cool

Mailbags are good things, because you get mail and then you don't use it. No wait, I shall rectify that problem right now. A while back I asked a question about an ostrich. Basically I asked what you'd do if you woke up with an ostrich in your room. Here's my readers...

"If I woke up to find an ostrich in my room I would freak out because it means my other two must have gotten out again. And the dark streets of Calgary in winter are no place for two endangered Kenyan ostriches - way too many wildlife poachers roaming around."
-Jason P.
Wildlife poachers? Oh yes, that is a good name for people riding bicycles. Have you noticed a guy riding a bike in Calgary? Yes, well I have too. Have you noticed exotic animals wandering in our streets? No, well neither have I. Coincidence? I think not. Bike owners go out of their way to ensure wild animals get run down. I wouldn't trust an ostrich around them either.

"I'd probably just hide under the covers pretending to be asleep, hoping it would just go away. Fortunately, my phone is in my bedroom, so if I could reach it without upsetting the ostrich, I could phone in to work and say, 'sorry, I'm not coming in today. I am trapped in my bedroom. There is an ostrich staring at me right now and I'm scared to get out of bed.' I wonder what my boss would think of that?"-Ruth K.
Yeah those ostriches are pretty deadly. But really would that fly? Let's pretend that you're married and you wake up and your spouse is staring at you with those eyes that make you know you're in trouble. Would you do the same thing? "Sorry can't in. I'm trapped in the bedroom. My wife is going to kill me if I move." Don't tell me a spouse isn't more dangerous than an ostrich.

"i'd scream until i could scream no more."-Christine H.
And I'd eat ice cream until the ice cream was no more.

"First i would yawn (if thats how you spell it and even if it isn't). I would yawn because it is morning and i just woke up. 'Hey an ostritch!' I would say to myself, 'Kristina must be up to no good!' Seated at the edge of my bed (it is a loft so i would be quite high up and able to slip onto the unsuspecting back of my bird friend), I slide onto the back of my unsuspecting bird friend. I ride him out of my room and across the hall to my sleeping sisters room meanwhile planning something aweful. I push open the door from atop my friend and am about to enter when the ostrich turns its head to look at me and says.....
'Hey Karla stay out of my room!!'"
-Karla K.
Yes, a true Cantaloupe reader showing the sensicalness that makes the Cantaloupe what it is today.

Published Back in the Day

Before I leave you guys, just a note, because I forgot to advertise it more. My second book "Oops, My Pants Are On Fire" is now available for purchase. Basically the book is a collection of every single 2005 issue plus entertaining extras and new material. It costs $10. All you need to do is tell me and I'll get you one. Also if you purchase the first book as well I'll give you a deal for $15. Help me eat another meal. A band once said, "Rock stars need money, we can't live on bologna sandwiches." Well if rock stars can't do it, I can't either. So buy my merch.

Question Of The Week

I like asking random questions so feel free to answer this question. I fact I order you to."If you were at a concert featuring your all time favorite band and they dedicated a song to you, then proceeded to call you a 'repressed noodle-nose', what would your reaction be (and what would you do)?"

Trevor YVR Plett

(So doctors aren't the answer. I didn't need no doctor. I'm medicated without a permit. Remember when I told you koalas were fluffy and Fluffy was cool? Well I didn't lie, that's for sure. I may have accidentally capitalized the second word, but I didn't lie. I may have been sending somewhat hidden messages, but I wasn't assassinating the president of Cuba, Fidel Castro. I may have been wanting to dive into a pool of molten lava, but I must certainly wasn't acting immature.)