Daisy Daisy Quilt and His Bamboo Dresser

The Cantaloupe

Okay guys, it's almost the end of March and hopefully soon it will feel like spring. I like the warmthening of the air and more importantly, me. Well you guys as well. Spring has always been a fantastic time to frolic through a field of flowers, but then again, anytime is good for that. However always remember to be able to run faster than the person whose flowers you just froliced on. Otherwise you'll end up slaving away in some sort of dusty celler, chopping wood and looking forward to the one turnip you recieve every day to eat. You'll feel the shackles cutting off blood flow from your fingers and you'll always be sore from sleeping on the rough concrete floor. You'll dream about the day someone finds you and rescues you, but it won't ever happen. No, it's a dark, dirty life for you. No showers, no change of clothes, no bathroom, no sparklers on your birthday and no yo yo's. Yeah, Spring is pretty cool. You can't deny it. As long as I get to do my frolicing, it's all good. Just take my advice to heart. That flower dude is one bad mother...errr....father.

To Be A Fool Is To Be Human

Saturday is April Fool's Day. Now some people on this day like to make a fool out of other people. Unfortunately I am usually neither the fooled or the fooler. I am merely the foolless. Yet, I shall tell you things to do or avoid on this very special day.
First of all I will address the fooled. Here are a couple things to remember: If someone tells you they died, they are trying to trick you. If someone tells you they randomly got married, they are trying to trick you. If someone tells you they want to hang out with you, they are trying to trick you. Even if they tell you that Missouri is a real U.S. state, they are trying to trick you. So starting from the moment you awake, take every thing that anyone is saying as a lie. Thus, you will not be fooled. So your friend wants to buy you dinner, don't trust them. So your boyfriend is giving you flowers, refuse them. So the guy you just ran over is bleeding on the pavement; he's simply acting. It's a simple concept. That way the fooler can't get their enjoyment.
Now that I've given that advice I need to give the fooler a couple words. As the day is April Fool's Day, people will not believe you very easily. Sure you'll get some people (especially if you live in Scotland around where Amy does), but the general populace is now weller informed. Here's what you do now. Instead of trying to fool people, don't try and fool them. That'll be the fool. Actually get married. Actually hang out with people. Actually tell people Missouri is a real state. This is a perfect time to conceive your first born child. The new joke is that nobody will believe the TRUE things you say or do. That way a few weeks later you'll be talking about it and the person will say, "It's not April Fool's anymore, jerk!" and you'll say, "I was always telling the truth, krej". Then they'll feel bad and it'll make you feel much better. So on this April Fool's, hang with your friends. On this April Fool's, give flowers to your girlfriend. On this April Fool's, bleed on the pavement for all it's worth, because as a wise poet once said, "the pavement is for bleeding, and the blood runs red through the soul".

Help for the Afflicted

Many people these days make money off telling other people what to do. There's "Dear Abby", Dr. Phil, Luke Skywalker and many other people who answer life questions. Thus today I introduce a good friend of mine to answer life's most pressing issues. So here's "Dear Guy Bleeding on the Pavement".

"Dear Guy Bleeding on the Pavement,
I've had this girlfriend for over a year now and we've gotten really close. We've talked about marriage and all, but I'm not certain she's ready. The problem is I was talking to her parents the other day and they told me she's actually one of a set of indentical quintuplets. What's interesting is that every time I'm with her, she wants me to call her by one of five names (Harriet, Belva, Gertrude, Vienna or Sue) and what I found out is these are the names of the quintuplets. So I asked Belva (and Vienna the next day) about this and they told me that it's tradition in their culture for identical siblings to all date the same person, but never at the same time. I'm a little confused about what I should do. I mean to tell you the truth I haven't ever seen more than one of them at the same time. Maybe it's not so serious. Maybe my girlfriend simply lied about it. I could live with a horrendous disrespect of my trust couldn't I? And if I get married, how do I know which one to marry?
Five Times the Fun"
"Dear Five Times,
That guy just ran me over! I was walking through this crosswalk and I got crushed by a grey Saturn of some kind. Now I'm bleeding. I need medical assistance. Please, help me! If you know first aid, some and bandage the huge gash in my upper thigh. I'm covered in red. Woe is me! This is the worst pain ever. Please, find help! I don't want to die!"

"Dear Guy Bleeding on the Pavement,
I was hosting this huge party at my house the other day and well, the strangest thing happened. You see as I was making the punch for the party, I accidentally dropped a whole ton of tranquilizer into the punch. Now the punch took me a lot of work (probably ten minutes) to that point and I didn't want to get rid of it. That would be wasteful. So at the party I served the punch, taking carefully precaution not to drink of it myself. Well after a while everyone at the party other than me was asleep on my floor. This was bad, because I can't sleep without cleaning my house first. I had to do something you see. So I dragged all the sleeping people into the back of my truck and since I didn't know where two or three of them lived, I just dumped all the bodies in a pile at the garbage dump. It was a lot easier than having to look at a map and figuring out where "24 Mapletreestump Place" is. Long story short, now some of those friends are upset with me about this. What else could I have done for them? The pile of bodies provided tons of heat. The garbage was soft and perfect for sleeping. How could you complain? What should I do to get revenge on these ungrateful 'friends'.
The World's Best Friend"
"Dear The Wo,
I'm shaking all over. I hear the screams, the screams. The world is going fuzzy. Spinning round and round. The pool of blood around me seemed like an ocean and I'm the sinking ship. The sirens begin, but they'll be too late. The pain has numbed me. There will be no miracle rescue for me. My body is broken and my mind begins to fade. Please tell my wife I love her, tell my kids to be good and tell my mother that...tell her..."

Poison Alert

Lucky Charms, they're tragically delicious. Well okay, no so much. Today we learned about death and how much it hurts. But what I didn't say is that death can sometimes be the easy way out. Sometimes the pain is too much and you...[ed. note- Trevor has been fired as writer of the Cantaloupe and the second of the five identical Trevors has been hired to finish this column]

...Uhhhh...hi....folks....I....like....dots....

Okay sorry, I'm not that dumb. In fact I'm no dumber than Trevor One. But what he would have said if he were here right now is that Cantaloupe books are still for sale, so please talk to Trevor (any from one to five) about getting yours today.
Oh yes, and I've heard grassy fields are more cozy to bleed on than the pavement. Just a consideration.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Subtitles, Subtitles, make my day today. They shake and shift and bounce and lift and roll in every way. Subtitles, Subtitles, have a friendly goat. They laugh and sing on pigeon's wings and then they buy a boat. Someday you will find that subtitles are so kind. They love to make you smile and talk about percentiles. Subtitles, Subtitles, are so really cool. They shove and prance like army ants and then jump in the pool)