I Heart You All

The Cantaloupe

Once again we come to the world's best holiday which of course isn't a real holiday you get off work (which I suppose is for best, because otherwise some people might wallow in their own pain a little longer). Yep, it's February 14, otherwise known as Worldwide Singles Awareness Day.

Worldwide Singles Awareness Day Survival Tips

On this (the 14th) day, the estimated 100 billion single people in the world will want to club themselves to death with a wooden spoon. Having been in this position I want to address these people first. I know you are going through a lot of pain, being single and all ANOTHER year, but if you really want to get put out of your misery there are quicker and faster ways about it. I suggest floating into the sun. That would work a lot better. Plus what human being has died by melting based on the sun's incredible energy. You'd be a pioneer! The history books would put you right next to Christopher Columbus. But death isn't really a proactive solution at all.
I think we need to start at the roots of this epidemic. Singleness is easily the disease affecting the most North American people, much higher than either cancer or Lou Gehrig's disease. In fact every person on the globe will be infected with this disease at some point in their lives. Unfortunately our health system is woefully inadequate to deal with such an epidemic. There really is no acceptable permanent solution for this until early adulthood, but unfortunately many people never even make themselves available for the cure. Yes, there is a cure. But hospitals are rarely the place where it is administered. This is a thing we need to change. Singleness is on the rise. Many people think the cure is worse than the disease. Others take the cure and then they later go off the medication and the disease of singleness returns. My solution. We need specialists for this sort of thing on staff at hospitals. We need promotion of the problem. Remember when Bob Dole was promoting erectile dysfunction awareness? Well maybe we can get Al Gore to promote singleness awareness. That way this problem can be treated. So what do I propose? It's a story that goes something like this:

Brendan's Story

Brendan was a regular kid. Grew up with parents that loved him. He had one younger sister, Sylvia. His grades growing up were impeccable. Once he got to high school, he was a member of the student council and he went out with a hot girl named Tara. His life was moving along nicely. Nobody would have even predicted what happened next to his family. In the summer just after he graduated, he learned Tara had been diagnosed with singleness. That wasn't the worst part however, because later in that day he found out he was diagnosed as a single. The news shook up his family. They were the perfect all-American (or whatever country they're from) family. How could this happen to them? His parents were completely healthy not-singles. As far back as he could remember, all his ancestors had been not-singles. Brendan wallowed in pity. Nobody knew a way to cure this disease. It made him pine. Oh, did it ever make him pine. Pining all the time, that was his life. He tried many kinds of drugs, but none of those drugs took away the nagging singleness he was facing. He dropped out of college and moved to Luxembourg to escape the doubts in his head, but he never really could. About three years later he got a somber call from his parents. It was about his sister. She was single as well. It was a terrible news for him to hear, but he decided that he needed to go home to get his life back together. Maybe if he helped his sister with her problems, he could find the answer to his own.
This move is one that quite possibly saved his life. He couldn't help his sister. He realized that very quick. The problem had nearly consumed him. One day while walking down the street, he collapsed and had to be rushed to the hospital. In Luxembourg singleness hadn't been addressed in the hospital system so he would have most likely died that day if not for the recent specialist brought in. When Brendan awoke there was a girl in the bed beside him (NO! Not the same bed, sicko, it's a room with two beds. She's in the OTHER bed). However when he tried to move his hand to scratch his face (you see he had an itch), he noticed it was caught on something. Or was it him who was grasping on to this foreign object? He looked beside himself to see what it was, his arm hanging off the edge of the bed. It was the girl. Her hand was holding him back! Just then he looked into the girl's eyes and saw she was just as surprised as he was. The door opened and the doctor walked in. His name was Dr. Thompson.
"You both were very lucky indeed," he said, "another thirty minutes and you'd both be goners." Brendan realized this is something he should have had looked at sooner, but he felt very lucky nonetheless. It was like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. "What have you done to me," he asked. Dr. Thompson laughed. "You've been cured," he said, but his face became more serious as he continued, "but it's not a permenant cure. You see when you passed out we rushed you to the hospital and gave you a fairly standard treatment. After we gave you Freya's (she's the girl) hand you both began stabilizing. In more serious cases we have to use higher forms of treatment such as the highly experimental lip joining procedure. Now I'll tell you both something: your treatment doesn't end here. You need to help each other. I'm going to prescribe some lifestyles you are going to have to agree to if you want this to work." Here's where Brendon heard the girl for the first time and when he heard her speak he felt that no matter what the doctor prescribed he could do. "I always thought I was the only one with my problem. You mean this boy had singleness too?", she spoke softly. He replied to her, "Many years, I assume you have a similar story to mine. You thought life was the bomb and then you became an outcast" "Too true, parents shunned me. Nobody would hire me. It was terrible". This is where the doctor stepped in on their little bonding session. "This is healthy. I'll read your prescription. You two must spend a minimum of five nights a week together, activities that are the healthiest are long walks on the beach, having dinner at fancy restaurants, and anything done by candlelight."
Brendan and Freya both felt much better that day. They followed the prescription to a tee. About a year after this initial temporary cure, they endured a final treatment where a pastor of all people declared them cured.

The Moral

Yes, we need people like Dr. Thompson in our system. That's the only way we can win this fight, because I believe this fight can be won. In the movies, this problem always seems to be solved, but in real life many people are never cured. I've mentioned the people afflicted with the disease, but to those not afflicted with the disease, you have a responsibility to them. To care for them and help them out. If you know someone like this, here are some things to know:-You can make a difference in their lives. Let them know you are there with them through this difficult time.
-Don't neglect the problem and let in go uncured, but on the other hand, don't overexpose the problem either. Let the person come to grips with their deficiencies themselves.-Petition our national and provincial leaders to start a program which deals with this serious problem which claims about 5 million Canadian lives every year.
-When you awake, please observe a minute of silence for the many people who have worked hard to try and end singlesness forever. The dating gurus, the personal ad people, even the regular friend who sets up other friends. These people are the true heroes in our culture and we can't forget it.
-Finally, on this special day of February 14, let the single people in your life know they are loved, because otherwise you'll find they probably have bashed in their head with that spoon (or even floated into the sun).

Trevor YVR Plett

(By the way, my trials with this disease are still continuing so I have a lot of expertise in this issue. I almost had the history book in my name next to Chris Columbus which would have been cool because he directed the Harry Potter movies. Well okay, just two of them, but still, he was a pioneer of sorts, right? How was I planning on reaching the sun? Well you see, I built a raft out of bubble gum and sparklers and a catapult out of rotten peaches so I figure I could have easily done it.)