With Coupons in the Sunday Paper

The Cantaloupe

Okay folks, I'm crazy and stressed and everything is fine, because school is drawing to a close, except that's why I'm crazy and stressed. Well, I guess it's because I have things to do before the end. So that said it's time for another wonderful edition of things resembling reality, but twisted in a humerous way so that you'll all question my sanity. By the way, my sanity is fine. By the way, my sanity is fine. So that said it's time for another wonderful edition of things resembling reality, but twisted in a humerous way so that you'll all question my sanity. They say it's hard to tell, but I think I'll know if I'm insane. Seriously I'm not insane, but you might think so at some points during today's article. Trust me, I'm merely stating fraudulant opinions.

Risking the Unicorn Charge

This last weekend I did the thirty hour famine to benefit kids in the third world. That means I didn't eat much. In fact, I ate nothing at all. Why? Because of all these kids in Africa who need more food.
One reason people go without food is to sympathize with these starving peoples. They do it so they'll know what it's like, but what they fail to realize is we aren't at all doing something similar to what people in the third world do. You see they don't have a choice. It's a lot easier for them. Me? I could've eaten food anytime I wanted. I had stacks and stacks at my disposal so it took will power for me to not eat. Those little skinny kids? They have no food. Or at least very miniscule amounts of it. They have it easy. At suppertime here, my mom made all this food and I had to smell the food and know I couldn't have any. Do those other people have to experience that? No! None of their neighbours have any food either. It's something normal for them in their lives. It's me that had to change. It's me that had to do something significant. Think about it, I've never before gone that long without food out of my own power. Some of the people in those nations have done it many times. You have to get used to it by then and it simply isn't a great accomplishment anymore. And these are the people I am helping by donating money and effort? People that have it easier than me?
Yes, yes it is.
By the way, if I'm raising money for people by starving, who are they raising money for? What kind of nation is poorer than they? Why do they have to go without food now? I mean nobody would willingly not eat without a purpose to it. I know this; if they are raising money to send to us, it's a really nice gesture, but we frankly don't need it very much. Most likely it'll just get sent back to them in aid anyway. Either that or help me buy an iPod which I really need to get. I mean those things are pretty cool. They play music and all those other things they do. I wouldn't know, because I don't have one. Neither does most of the youth in Africa. So you see, we're not all that most unlike each other. We're both missing out of the thing's in life that are important like a portable MP3 player. Maybe I should go without food longer so we can get their children some iPod's and maybe myself one too.
So go give some money to World Vision. They do good things like help people. Perhaps if you give enough, they will stop doing their own many hour famines and then we can stop and the world will be a better place with peace and harmony with cats frolicing in bumper cars.

You Can Throw The First Stone At Me

On a less blasphemous (well not blasphemous but whatever) note, I got to talk to Yerov the hard-working Russian farmer the other day. You remember him. The guy with twenty-seven kids? Well here's a story about how he tried to help those in need:
So Yerov and his family, they aren't the richest of people in the world. It's simply by the fruit of tons of hard work that keeps all their mouths fed. Of course all the kids pitch in with a bunch of effort of their own, but it takes a lot. Ends are always met in their household.
One day, Stelga, one of his teenage daughters comes home and tells him about these poor, starving kids in other countries. Yerov says, "kind of like us", to which Stelga says, "well they have more of a tan I think". We all know they were both joking around a bit. Yerov's family doesn't truly starve, he was just using that famous serious Russian wit. But they gathered around as a family and talked it over. Should they give to the less fortunate? "What do we have to give", one of the more cynical kids replied. "What we got", said Yerov. That kid got a whoopin' that night for his attitude. A whoopin' at checkers (a game Yerov became good at as a kid in Russia).
The next day, Yerov and Stelga hitched up the horse and cart and went into town to the relief center where they collect money.
Yerov- We brought these bear pelts in. Do you think you could send them to those who are less fortunate?
Aid worker- Uh.....
Yerov- They need to warm their ears in the merciless, snowy winter don't they?
Aid worker- Uh....
Yerov- We've made a long trek and a couple of my kids have to wear dog fur hats this winter instead, but we figured it was the least we could do.
Aid worker- Thanks, that's the most anyone has given around here. I'm speechless. You really deserve an award or something for generosity. You see, since this new iPod came out, nobody has been giving anything. While that may be a really important cause, this is arguably just as important and you have made some little kid in Africa's day.

*cut to scene in Africa*

Half-Naked Father- Sweet! Bear skin hats, these will provide sustenance for many more months.
Half-Clothed Kid- Daddy, can we have some for supper after we eat the last of the cell phone batteries?

Social Commentary Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

That story with Yerov was fairly heart-warming, but nothing warms your heart like sitting on your warm couch and doing nothing for poor people. So don't do anything for them, because they already have cell phone batteries for supper. Of course, don't feel bad about anything. In fact, scientific reports have indicated that people in lower income countries don't need food or water to survive at all. All they need is our collective sympathy. So let's give it to them shall we? Give it to them good.

Half-Naked Father- I heard some American people feel sad about us.
Half-Clothed Son- Ooo! I feel like I could fly a wildebeast now!
Half Mother- Don't you be riding no wildebeasts until you've cleaned that rock you sleep on! Look at it! It's filthy.
Half-Clothed Son- But mom! The Americans sent some sympathy over
Half Mother- Really?? That's wonderful! Let's eat a meal next Wednesday to celebrate!

With Your Nose In A Book

Sometimes thinking about how much you'd rather be yourself than some starving kid gets depressing and you feel as if you couldn't go on. Remember, those people don't have those problems. They don't have to worry about other people starving and then feel guilty about not helping them. Their problems are simple.
Either way, because I want you to forget your troubles, you should go to my brand new Cantaloupe archive site at http://thecantaloupe.blogspot.com and you can read some old issues from back in 2004. Hopefully I'll have my entire collection up sometime soon. That way, you'll read and laugh and maybe just maybe you'll feel generous and you'll forward my material to one of those poor people. That way they can laugh and feel better and you'll feel better too, because you helped. They say laughter is the best medicine you know. In my very first issue (which you can find on that site) I mention that the average person doesn't laugh very much a day. So make the a better place, okay?

Trevor YVR Plett

(Oops, was I not supposed to express any opinions in this newsletter ever? Because I clearly failed. I'm a terrible person, because I did such things. Oh yes, and have I ever mentioned in a Cantaloupe issue that you should never take me very seriously. Read whatever you want into what I say, but never take me seriously. Because if you did that'd be terrible. And now you are all confused, because how can you take me seriously or not when I told you not to. It's a paradox. The world is destroyed.)