Hark! The Cantaloupe is Nigh!

The Cantaloupe

As I look out the window, I see wispy flakes of snow falling carpeting the ground with a fluffy blanket of white, I think to myself, "what if it wasn't snowing right now?" Then I wouldn't' be able to use such descriptive opening sentences. I say something like "As I look out the window, I see air mixed with nothingness, a chilled existance where nothing seems to change except people get cold". Now the poetry of that wouldn't be nearly as poetic. Hmmm...either way they say your dreams tend to be influenced a great deal by reality, so I will be dreaming of a white Christmas it seems. Or maybe of typing. This.

One Hit Wonders

I always feel sorry for people who get typecast. Well okay not really. But the plight for instance of most of the actors in a movie such as Lord of the Rings will star in many more movies and thier entire life they will be known for that one thing. Sure you may be on something else, but readers want to hear about that one thing still. I mean for example, if I saw Macauley Culkin on the street, what do you think I'd ask him about? That's right, "Home Alone 2". If you saw Lindsey Lohan on the street, you'd be like "Hey, it's the girl from 'The Parent Trap'!!". Okay maybe I'm losing my point here, but that's only because I'm trying. You know what I'm saying I hope. There are people who will never get over their involvement in one project. Can you say Mark Hamill, maybe? So what does this have to do with Christmas? Well I'm sure most of you have heard the Christmas story many times. I'm sure you guys could tell me almost all the people involved. Well now tell me this: What were those people involved in after that event? Sure one guy succeeding in becoming more famous after, but it took thirty years of obscurity for baby Jesus to become known for something else than being born. But we all know his story, becomes popular, gets a following, dies a "tragic" death, comes back to life, ascends into heaven, still active today. What about the other people? Most of them fade back into obscurity to never appear again. Sure some of them were in other projects, but they will always be known for their one big hit. Take a look at this interview with the Wise Man who brought myrrh many years after the fact:

Interviewer- So what was it like bringing myrrh to the manger of Jesus?
Wise Man- What? I thought we were going to talk about the girl I brought myrrh to last night. Well you see there was a comet and it lead us to this cave. Well wouldn't you know...
Interviewer- (interrupts) Let's get back to that later, can we talk more about Jesus? What was it like to get to give him myrrh.
Wise Man- (sighs) It was great. An unforgetable experience. It was a child more special than any other...Back to my story, you see comets usually mean this girl is going to...
Interviewer- (interrupts again) Great story I'm sure. Why do you think you haven't met another child so special since?
Wise Man- Well just because I haven't encountered a child more special doesn't make the children I've met since less special. I've had many special children and been able to give myrrh to them all. This girl I gave myrrh to on Friday, I'm sure she'll be able to memorize Torah at a rabbi-in-training level.
Interviewer- Because of that time, you've been typecast as the guy who gives myrrh. People say you don't have the range to be the guy giving gold or frankensense. What would you say to them?
Wise Man- Well, it's hard, because sometimes you want to branch off and give something else, but my loyal fans have really come to expect getting myrrh. I had a few times where I give silk or even camels, but those weren't as well liked.
Interviewer- Excellent. Our time is up, thanks to the "Guy whos gives Myrrh"
Wise Man- I have a name, it's...
Interviewer- (Interrupts) See you next week!

That's the way it is for all these people. Just think of being Joseph, the man known for NOT being the biological father of his son. I mean all his life, people HAD to be coming up to him and being like, "Hey, you're the guy who didn't even get to sleep with his wife before he had a kid". Talk about a honeymoon! Then when Jesus becomes big, he simply fades away. Even Mary, sure she has a cult following these days, but for what reason? The reason: she's the mother of Jesus. She had other kids! Does anybody even call her the mother of James and Jude (well other than a couple of gospels)? No! I mean think about your mother and think if others always just remembered her by one of your siblings and not you. I think it'll be like that for everyone involved, the shepherds, wise men, King Herod, Caesar Augustus. Does anybody remember anything Augustus did other than calling for a census? I think not. He did NOTHING else. Get that? Nothing!

Memories of the Select Few

This is the point where I include a couple of letters I received this week about Christmas and I poke fun at them. Okay I'm not mean. I'll just "comment" on them
Our first mail comes from one Melissa C.,
"One of my favorite things about chirstmas is fruitcake. I'm dead serious. I love the stuff. Acctually food in general is something I look forward to. I have been sick on many chirstmases from over consumption of food to be honest. Glutony DOES NOT make for a merry chritmas, and I can attest to that. My great Aunt Mary's mittens are also a hit with me. She asks me every year if i'm getting to old for them and of course I say no, because her mittens are the coolest. Another thing I like about chrsimas is critiquing nativity scenes. I always wonder why the heck little mary looks prim as a rose and isn't passed out from having just given birth in a stable with no epidural or medical staff."
Maybe it's because Jesus wasn't crying as the song "Away In A Manger" seems to claim. The mother only looks bad if all her hard work is met with a crying baby. I mean after all that pain and strife and carrying the baby for nine months the least the baby could do is give the mother a smile and maybe say "Thank You", but they don't. They cry. That's why mothers are so sad and tired after giving birth. All that pain for nothing I guess. Mary looks great of course, because her son appreciated her efforts by not crying. Does that wreck the fun you have in making fun of nativity scenes? I mean personally I always wonder why the characters in the nativity scene don't move. Are they trying to say that everyone was so awe at the birth of Jesus that nobody moved for a month? Well it's possible, but I say highly unlikely to be true. Oh yeah and some of them are so small. Was Mary an ant? Was Joseph a grasshopper? Great realism people! Thanks for accurately portraying such an important event. Of by the way it's time I interrupted this mailbox to stroke my ego.
"I really like your newsletter. It's HILARIOUS!!!!!! :) How in the world do you think of all these things?"
How do I think of what things? You mean words? Well you see, words were around before I was. Or were they? It's tough to tell actually. I've never known a time before I was around and there was words. So to answer your question, I guess I just stumbled upon words by accident. As for the things in the Cantaloupe, I generally take ideas and change them. Change them to suit my own purposes. Mwa ha ha (more evil laugh). Back to the letter by the now identified Christine H.
"Well, one of my favorite things about Christmas is the family time, no school, and a chance to perhaps go snowboarding. oh, and the late nights. my least fave things? Um, I'll have to think about that. a cool thing that happened at Christmas was, well, it will be 15 years ago this Christmas. The event? I was born (December 27). And this year, I was in a Christmas drama (it was taken from the adventures in odyssey episodes "Back From Bethlehem".). Every year is a tradition to make and eat oilebollen. Another event, it happened quite a long time ago, in fact, more than 15. It is more like 2009 years ago. My best friend was born. That, too me, is the best story. The way it came about, and fulfilled prophesies from hundreds of years before is mindboggling. since we are on the subject of mindboggling, what does the YVR stand for?"
Your best friend is John the Baptist? Woah! Sweet, what's he like? (By the way I refuse to answer the YVR thing). And I'd like to say something to those of you think I'm playing dumb here not remembering Jesus, I'd like to say this. I've clearly used that event many times during this article and you're going to tell me John the Baptist didn't fulfill prophesies? I don't even think he'd be a bad guy to be friends with. I was friends with him once too. Awesome guy. Can't say enough about him, but I guess I already have so I'll move on.

What Do We Have If We Don't Have Each Other

Christmas songs are really cool. Why? Because of the lowing cattle. Man if a cattle ever lowed at me, so help me I would...uhhhh....low back I guess. Well I like Christmas songs because they use old school language and wording. I mean I guess that's no different than a lot of old hymns, but oh well. One of these so-called Christmas songs is inspired by the King of the Bohemians. However I think we're at the point where there aren't going to be new Christmas songs popping into popular culture. So I suppose in a few hundred years there'll be more words they don't understand. For instance take "Joy to the World". Perhaps the line "Let every heart prepare him room" will not make sense, because in those days, there won't be such a thing as a room. Maybe because of technology nothing will need to be prepared as thus they will forget the meaning of that word too. Well whatever, let's move on.

The holiday of the holiday season with added holiday

I'm very sorry I can't send all of you Christmas presents, but more than that I'm especially sorry you can't all send ME a Christmas present. Why? Because I like presents. And isn't that the spirit of the season? No? But why not? Oh yeah, right. The whole thing about stuff and all. You know what I mean, right? No? But why not? (By the way I could do this for the rest of the year so I'll stop it right now. Consider it my Christmas gift to you. You're certainly welcome. And just for the record, this proves I have some sense of what really is the spirit of the season)

Trevor YVR Plett

(Freue dich wetl, dein konig naht! Mach deine tore weit! An gnaden reich und hehr an tat, der herr, der herr, der herrlichkeit! Mmmm...the land of chocolate. There's a good song about it, but it's not a Christmas song. So don't worry I won't sell you chocolates for half price or anything that you might regret later on. Silly German folk have German Christmas carols! But the Swedes don't and that's what makes them different.)