What You Learn From Aluminum

The Cantaloupe

Hey guys, it's another week and it's getting nearer and nearer to the end of the year and the dreaded Y2K6 virus that everyone's been talking about for the last three hundred years. The one that will cause planes to do round-abouts and pens won't have any more ink. So in preparation for that there are many things that you'll need to do or else perish in a freak headphone strangling accident. First of all, you need to find a good hideout once the killer toasters go on their rampage. I suggest you either move to Antarctica or get rid of your toaster, whatever is easier. However another thing to consider is the rumours. You see there are rumours that after January 1, 2006 happens there will be no more slurpee machines. And is a world without slurpees even worth living in? That's a question you'll have to answer in the coming month and a half before the world is crippled.

You Know I Think It's A Big Joke

Let me tell you something I've figured out and don't tell the government or Martha Stewart anything that I'll tell you now...I don't think there is such a thing as the Y2K6 virus. I think it's an overreaction. By now I'm pretty confident our computer systems can withstand anything. I mean c'mon it's not really a big year or anything either. Why would 2006 be that big a year? I don't have a clue. So why all the commotion? Personally I'm still a little bit frightened. You see you really don't know what could happen once it becomes 2006. It's never been 2006 A.D. before. For all we know gravity could all of a sudden start working backwards and we'll be flung out into space and realize that we'd been lied to all along, because space actually has breathable oxygen and we find it a blissful experience. I'm just scared that in the first few days that I mistakenly write down the wrong year like a sucker. People could mock me! Maybe I'll feel a little bit stupid! That'd be really intimidating! Maybe just so I don't do that, I'll begin writing the year 2006 on everything right now! That way I'll have a lot of practice. I can sign and date before I really have to.

Benign Vernacular Reticent

In place of readers offering to donate my their liver or answering questions or whatever it is they do in a usual issue, today I will answer questions from the readers.
Mike W. asks"when the silly men in white suits hunt you down what is the best thing to do:1) laugh like a loon untill they are forced to gag you, 2) Run like a fox, 3) lock yourself in a room and sing "i'll never tell.....anyone" over and over, 4) just sit there and eat your bowl of oatmeal, 5) start to talk, and don't shut up till they beg for mercy or knock you out, 6) self medicate, it will save them time, 7) find a soap box and in the middle of rush hour stasnd on your box and tell everyone the world is going to end in impossible ways like nuclear war, 8) tell the guys it's not you they want, but your room mate, and laugh evilly after they take away your protecting room mate, 9) all of the above"
First I must ask a question of my own. What kind of men are these men in white suits? I mean men mostly wear suits for special occasions or occasionallly for their proffession. These of course are usually black. For girls, white is often reserved for wedding garb. Often men go against this female tradition and wear black suits anyways as if they were at a funeral. But I suppose these men you talk about are some sort of wedding party. They are wearing white. I certainly wouldn't want to act rude around men celebrating such a happy occasion. I suppose if they were there to get my roommate (and if it was my roommate's wedding) I'd definitely help them out by telling them it's him they want not me. What? Would I get married to his fiance without telling him. That'd be a little cruel. I'll take option eight, but my laughing wouldn't be so much evil, but a gleeful laugh of someone who's happy for their friend.
Alisha R. asks"Why are you all up in my Kool-aid when you don't even know my flavor??"
Well Alisha, I'm very sorry that I was all up in your Kool-Aid. You see I'm curious sort of person. When I see a fridge I HAVE TO look inside. And once I look inside and see an opaque pitcher of something I want to have a drink. Well you see I wanted to ask what flavor it was, but you weren't home at the time, so how could I ask? But yeah, I know that's the lazy answer. I wasn't originally planning on having any of your Kool-Aid. When I broke into your house in the first place all I was looking for were valuables of some kind. But all that looting and carrying off of things made me a little tired and I wanted a drink. That fridge of course does its own beckoning. So I drank a glass of Kool-Aid. That's when I started to feel bad. "I've wronged her in some way," I said to myself, "I've came into this girl's house, carried off her things, and on top of all of that, I've drank her Kool-Aid without first asking her what flavor it is." I felt terrible, so I went to my now full van of stolen items and replaced absolutely EVERYTHING I took. No longer could I take those things without knowing I'd compromised my integrity. But there was one thing I could not replace: the glass of Kool-Aid. So I apologize sincerely right now and I hope you can forgive me. I'll make it up to you shortly I promise. So sometime next week when I see nobody at your house, I'll do it again, but properly this time. I'll leave nothing of worth. But before I go to your fridge and drink your Kool-Aid, I'll search your house high and dry until I find your cell phone number, then I'll call and before I drink Kool-Aid I'll ask, "What flavor of Kool-Aid do you have in your fridge". You'll tell me, "Grape". And I'll be like, "Wow! I thought purple was strawberry! I guess it was good I asked." Then I'll drink of the Kool-Aid and I'll have nothing to regret. This doesn't just apply to you either. Whenever I'm breaking and/or entering I'll consider this principle. Don't be up in anybody's Kool-Aid unless I know their flavor.
Amy L. asks"what would you chose between a bubble butt or a square head?"
Well this question is a complicated one. I'd choose the bubble butt, because your butt already is kinda in the shape of a bubble. It's certainly round. A square head, while it would give you the respect of your peers (who'd be in awe), would unneccesarily elevate you above them. And who wants to be looked at as some sort of "god"? Not me, that's for sure.

Quote Of The Week Or The Month Or Something

"All I had to eat today is candy....no wait, that was steak"
-Melissa C.

By the way, Melissa, I'd like to take this oppertunity to let you know that I'm not making fun of you by repeating this quote. I just found it one of the most amusing quotes I had heard for a while. Anyways you should be pleased that you were included in such a prestigious publication such as this, one so prestigious that you have to generally send me ANYTHING to get included in issues, or in your case, nothing. I did tell you though. Just don't expect that courtesy next time.

Somewhere In Outer Space

God has prepared a place. Oh wait, that's a little kid's song. But a really cool one at that. But on to more pressing issues such as me closing out this article with a bang. That's not really pressing though, so I'll just end now.

Trevor YVR Plett

("Somewhere In Outer Space, God has prepared a place for those who trust him and obey. Jesus will come again, although we don't know when". That's all I know. There's more to the song, but I don't remember it. I just remember singing it back when I was little and I was in Sunday School. Good times. Although I prefer "Read Your Bible, Pray Every Day and you'll grow, grow, grow. And you'll grow, grow, grow. And you'll grow, grow, grow". That's fun. Or "Deep and Wide" when you get rid of all the words. "______ and ______, _______ and _______. There's a ________ ________ _________ and ________". I did have fun humming the words you couldn't say. It's a shame I can't sing those songs anymore. That's why I'm glad I lied when I said that.)