The Femack Attack By Vern B. Femack

The Femack Attack
By Vern B. Femack
Giving 1 out of 5 stars since 1999

Newsletters Will Never Recover

For those of you who do not know, I am a critic. I search the internet long and hard for things worthy of reading. On one of these long and difficult journies to find something worth reading I came across a newsletter called "The Cantaloupe". Now I will admit, it didn't sound very interesting and I almost lost interest before reading, but I'm a critic so it's my job to read and insult. The Cantaloupe is written by Trevor YVR Plett (which has got to be the weirdest middle name I've ever heard) who is still fairly unknown to most in the internet critical community. For me, I welcome new blood. After all the terrible comments I made about Nelson Jordan's blog and Ericka Walton's recipes they stopped writing and thus deprived me of easy targets. So when I found this middle-namely challenged individual with his so-called "Cantaloupe" I licked my lips in anticipation. I was not disappointed in the least let me tell you.
Let's look at his most recent offering titled "Valiant Even In Hiding". By the way, how on Earth could you possibly be valiant in hiding? That's just silly. If you're hiding you're clearly a coward! I mean I could go on for pages just on this. What kind of message is this sending to kids? To be cowards? Luckily for me, this title is the highlight of the article. It gets worse.
Mr. Plett begins to talk about music and in particular talks about rap. He makes light of the lyrics, "Throw your hands in the air and wave them around like you just don't care". The audicity of this attempt at a joke boggles the mind. Apparantly this author has not read up on his history. Did Mr. Plett not know the origin of this phrase? How could you possibly forget that this saying was started by Hubert J. back in the slavery era? This was a saying that united people to "throw their (freed) hands in the air" and wave them because they deserved better treatment and they deserved freedom. Rappers are simply paying tribute to a legend by repeating this line in a song. And for one to make fun of this is the most unsympathetic thing, simply pathetic I'd say. After reading this I couldn't continue. But no I wasn't done insulting this hack author yet. I had unsuccesfully tried eating lunch (I wasn't hungry after this gross display of ignorance), but since I could not I checked for previous issues. Apparantly, this so-called writer has more than fifty issues out and even a book. This means there has got to be some people out there who love nonsense and bafoonery as much as this hack.
I just don't get what's wrong with our society. I mean I know there many crimes and atrocities going on, but this simply is the last straw. Napolean Dynamite seems to be the movie of our generation. The movie is causing the stupiderizing of our society! And it even made me write the not-word "stupiderizing"! What is there to like about this kind of humour people? Get your heads on straight! I've considered writing the government for years in order so they might control the rampant spread of terrible art forms. Why haven't I you ask? Well that would put me out of a job. So for now I'll have to tolerate it. All the hacks in the world breathe a sigh of relief, because I, Vern B. Femack, have decided to give you a reprieve.
Back to the topic at hand, "The Cantaloupe" isn't worthy of me even giving it a grade. I've already written far too much about it. This hack job is pedestrian at best. I think this newsletter should either 'loupe' off into the distance or be lopping off at the head.
* out of 5

Personal E-mails Will Never Recover

For those of you who don't know, it is a critics job to show how much better he (or she) is than the rest of you. Having run most everyone out of the water professionally I figure it's about time I start using my hacking skills. Well I hacked into a 13 year old girl's e-mail account and I found this e-mail sent to her by her friend. I'm going to reprint it in it's entirety

"hey sara, did u c that hot gyu in clas today. i m totly crushd him. gborew. kud u c if he liks me 2? pleez."

This e-mail was sent by Rachel Albertson of Lethbridge, AB to her friend Sara Frankles of the same town. The intellegence displayed by Miss Albertson is astounding! She should get her Ph.D. in intellegence or something! I actually wanted to see what was really going on here so I visited their class and to my surprise I didn't see one hot gyu! I didn't even see a gyu! I saw some guys that were way out of Rachel's league though. Of course the particular guy Rachel thought was a "hot gyu" probably invented the word "loser" and he still was far above Miss Albertson. I certainly think this girl should become a counsellor when she grows up, because she will certainly know what heartbreak and not being loved feels like. The only problem with that is she'll have to talk and well you know how that will turn out. Of course she wasn't the only one in her class. All the kids seem to be this way. If I were the teacher I might simply die.
I think Rachel's parents need to ban her from contacting anyone again through any kind of media, because then I wouldn't have to accidently hack into an account containing one of her e-mails ever again.
* out of 5

People Will Never Recover

Yesterday this girl walked up to me and asked if I noticed anything different about her. I told her, "No, you still have enough makeup plastered on you that I think you have blubber instead of skin, your clothes still look like they've been bought off a hobo and well you've still got that same personality". To which she replied, "No, I got a haircut". Well any bozo could have figured she got a haircut, but I was trying to spare her the embarassment. And to think she got mad at ME.
Her hairstyle which I will proceed to not mention what it looked like gets a...
* out of 5

The environment will never recover

The world runs off new ideas, new innovations and new thinking. People are always searching for the newest product to buy. If something is older than a couple years it is found to be obsolete. I have no problem with this. This is the way the world should work. The problem is that people are generally not creative or forward thinking at all. People keep making the same boring buildings and boring roads as before. However for the next thing, people aren't the ones to blame.
Look at nature. When's the last time nature reinvented itself. Everytime I go to the mountains they are the same. What's so special about a big rock? Last time I checked it was grey. I wonder what colour it will be next time I look at it. Or possibly I might think that if I leave and come back the mountain will be twice as big. For something to be truly special it needs to take things to another level. For the mountains, they seem to dwell on their previous glory. One hit wonders is what I'd call them. Big, dull and boring.
Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe I'll go check the mountains one more time. I can certainly give them one more chance. Perhaps I'll find some new plant or wildlife. Maybe the mountain will start spewing volcanic ashe or explode. There may be the potential the mountain will get up and run away from me. Okay let me get in the car and check......Nope. The mountain is the same as always. The mountains get
* out of 5

Next Week

I hear there's a bunch of movies coming out soon. If I didn't know better I'd think maybe one of them could be good. But I know better. Coming Friday you can read as I give more things * out of 5.