My Self Esteem Is Dead

Welcome everybody to "Let's make a deal", the show where you decide whether or not you want to keep what you have or trade it for what is behind the door. So now let's find out who our lucky first contestant is. This first contestant is sitting near a computer (or maybe if this is the year 2006, a book), has an eyebrow or two, possibly likes taking long walks near a beach, but doesn't have to. That's right, the first contestant on today's show is you! You're the contestant! Let's see what you get for a prize, tell them Trevor! "Well you see this is a lovely new edition of The Cantaloupe". The Cantaloupe. Do you wish to take The Cantaloupe or see what's behind door number sixteen? Take a minute to really think it over? Do you want to continue with this newsletter or do you want to try for something new? This is a magical interactive newsletter so think hard about your answer now and the answer will magical change the result
.....Drum Roll Please.....
What was behind door number sixteen? Well since you forgot door number sixteen was the door you already opened! It's the same Cantaloupe you originally got! Either way you're the big winner of the day. You must feel pretty lucky to have either stayed with your original prize or went for a new one. Good choice by the way!

Heads Are Going To Roll (and Rock)

In the meantime I am going to talk about something serious. I'm going to talk about our society and its ills. Actually what I'm really going to talk about is one thing that happened to me in the last week. Well you see I was driving my car (that crazy Buick Regal) home from school one night and well I wasn't going too fast. Maybe 78 on John Laurie Boulevard which has a speed limit of 70. Then all of a sudden I see this cop behind me and he turns on his lights. I can't believe it. I pull over and he pulls over behind me. So out walks this cop and let me tell you, he's one big dude, no I'm kidding, he actually isn't. It's actually a girl. This girl is fairly young and attractive. So she comes up to the window and asks for my license and registration. I show her those and she asks me if my driver's license is a fake. I tell her that it isn't and she keeps looking at it. She then goes back to her car and gets her partner who IS in fact the really big tough guy I was about to say this girl was until I changed my mind or remembered the truth or something. Well this guy comes up to my window and tells me to get up out of the car. I ask why. He just gives me this look like if I don't get out of the car now he might pulverize me with his nuclear weapons. You know that look. So I get out of the car and no sooner do I get out of the car, but the cop throws me to the ground and holds me down. Then for no apparant reason, the girl takes this shovel and begins throwing dirt on me. Well after many minutes of this, I was buried all except my head and on the side of the road. That's when the cops get back into their car and start driving over me. The dirt of course is keeping me from being crushed. I began to get a little bit annoyed. These cops were totally abusing their rights as keepers of the law. Sure I may have been marginally over the speed limit, but I wasn't some sort of evil guy who hated feet or something. But then I really got to think during those hours. Cops do a lot of good in our society. I mean think of all the lands where cops are corrupt or take bribes or simply don't have the power to curb violence. I wouldn't want to live in those countries. I mean while I was upset that I was missing out on my thirteenth favourite TV show, I began to understand. I'm always thinking about myself. Surely I should be thankful for our good cops and shouldn't get too upset when cops want to have a little bit of fun at my expense. Is putting a pile of dirt on me and driving back and forth on it for almost sixteen hours a little excessive. Not if you think of all the murderers put behind bars. Not if you realize our land is one land where not every Joe Rogan can walk down the street with a gorilla on fire. So what am I trying to say? Honor your local police. If they want to tie you to their bumper and drive their car off a cliff and into a whirlpool of whipped cream, that should be their right as protectors of our freedom. If you feel differently why don't you move to Ancient Greece and debate with Socrates or maybe the greatest philosopher Hypocrites? I mean other than the time travel issue. Wait, where was I? The truth is this story never really happened. Well most of it. I DID get pulled over by a girl cop on John Laurie. I DID get a lousy speeding ticket. And I DID lie to you again. I don't drive that Buick Regal. Right now it's dead. I use alternative methods. I didn't get pulled over at all. But I did watch my thirteenth favourite TV show which of course is Matlock (or Touched By An Angel). I would tell you, but you wouldn't believe me anyways. So fine, believe I hate Matlock or haven't ever seen an episode of it if you wish, but one day you will look very silly.

Based On An Actually True Story

Over the weekend I in fact did attend a Calgary Stampeders football game. And of course in nobody's surprise they crushed the Edmonton Eskimoes 43-23. I mention the score in passing, but after the last story it's basically there to assure you of the truth involved here. What I want to talk about is the experience of being a fan. There's something very different about football. You see the weather outside while we were at the game was generally not very warm. The second half of the game was a little chilly. Now I'm not complaining. In fact I think watching a football game in cold weather is great! Canadian football is fundamentally meant to be cold. You have to cheer louder to stay warm. You have to huddle together with other fans to stay warm. It's a bonding time. Especially for the fan who decides to paint his chest with the team colours and not wear his shirt. In fact I think his skin may have bonded to the seats. Of course what makes football very unique is that they play no matter what the weather may be like. If they even see a cloud in the sky, they won't play a baseball game, but football plays on through everything. No joke. I once saw a kicker try to make a field goal and well the ball got sucked into a tornado. I once saw another guy accidentally confuse a football sized chunk of hail for the ball. He ran all the way for a touchdown. Boy did he look silly when he started to celebrate. No wait, those things didn't happen either. Man, I'm terrible today at not making up things to embellish my stories. Okay I owe you a story without any stretching the truth.

The Truth Begins In New Mexico

Yesterday night I was tired. I wasn't tired, because I had been running from giant lizards with hovering skateboards. I was tired, because I hadn't slept for nearly seventeen hours. So I turned off the lights and slipped into bed. No trolls resided under my bed. I didn't have this crazy dream where I was Superman's father, no wait, maybe I did. I don't really remember. But this I do know. At some point I woke up, got dressed and went about my business. And boy, was I all business in my business.

Samurai Smarties

Well next issue I well tell you the truth I hope. More than just one paragraph of it. Because I know you all expect nothing but cold hard facts from this newsletter. You expect me to tell you about government corruption and world famine and wars and all that stuff. But today I figured I'd give you a break from all that. I COULD ressurect the old "Whole Wheat Bread" column I put out in place of the Cantaloupe one week. Wouldn't you all love that? I'm sure you would. Why? Because that was a great issue.
By the way this week you will send ME your question of the week? I'd like to answer questions, please send some in. It makes my job a little easier and I like ease.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Self esteem is a fragile thing. If you smash it into a barricade at more than 60 km/h it is more than likely to be damaged if not totalled. Self esteem is better when you remember your limitations. You can't have very good self esteem management when blindfolded. Self esteem should be simple. Low self esteem may be cool with some people and high self esteem as well, but good self esteem stays somewhere in the middle. Self esteem may die, but you can always take it to the shop)