We Are Gaining Speed, I Can Barely Breathe

The Cantaloupe

The world is coming to an end. I never believed all the hype from crackpots, but I do now. The signs are in the air. I mean really, floating signs? I can't believe it either! However it is clearly all over for the human race. But not really. Okay I lied. Not that me lying should make you a whole lot happier. You should feel betrayed and rightfully so. I have turned to the dark side. What I did last week was that part of the movie where the student turns on his master. I snuck up behind you and hit you with a sabre-toothed tiger carcass. I may just as well have clubbed a baby deer or stole a doll from a little girl and painted it gold or something. If I had a conscience which I CLEARLY don't, I'd feel terrible. So what did I do? I now own a cell phone. Yep, what a terrible person. I sold my soul. But yeah you don't have to worry about it much longer because the world is clearly coming to an end. I mean if that isn't enough to do it, I don't know what is. Oh yeah, I did also club the deer and paint the doll too so...

Proceed To Club That Baby Deer

On yes, another news note from the personal life. I'm now working at a church. I am an employee of my church. I know it may seem difficult to believe, but they are paying me to run the youth group. Now that this has come to pass, I'll have to make sure I'm a little bit more cautious with what I'm doing. First of all, pants are a plus and especially knowing whose pants I'm wearing is good. However there are another few things that I'm definitely going to have to know in the future.
- As much as I love those Christmas Life Savers "books" you get, they unfortunately are not in the Bible and therefore I cannot quote them as authoritative. Actually a funny story once I accidently referenced "Butterscotch" and was trying to tell someone "Orange" was a spiritual gift. The person I was telling this to was a little sceptical. They couldn't remember where that was from in the Bible. "Where's the from," they asked, "Philemon?" I said no, it was from Life Savers. Then that person gave me that look, you know the look they always give you. The look where they are wondering if they should tie you to a stake and burn you as a heretic or wait for the lightning bolt from the heavens to do it first. I always get the look. I'm sure you guys get that look all the time. From your parents, church leaders, yourself in the mirror, television characters and so forth. Well anyways luckily I wasn't hit by lightning and I wasn't condemned as a heretic. Now sometimes I can be lazy, but c'mon how lazy do you have to be not to get some rope and firewood? That person sure was lazy!
- If I want to go and perform a play based on Songs of Songs, go to senior pastor and ask if it's okay first.
- I am no longer to be referred to as a pyro, I am now emblazened in the Spirit.
- Just because I hate all colours but pink and green, I may not refer to Joseph's coat of many colours as simply a "pink and green" coat. That's reading far too much of my own interpretation into things. Luckily I AM allowed to translate the Bible into modern language and in THIS language there are only two colours. These people from a country where they only have two colours. It makes sense.

Answers and then More Answers

It's been a while since I asked my last question, but yes I will give you some answers. I will bore....I mean entertain you with other people's words. The question was a multiple guess (as some teachers call it) question. It was living in a house with a cow in the wall, a house that read Shakespeare at 2 a.m., or a house that was made entirely of dirt.
Cyler P. says, "I am actually currently looking for a place to live, and I have been quite disapointed that I have not found house with a live cow included. That would be just smashing. I mean, to get free unpasturized milk every morning would just be spectacular. I could just sqirt some milk right into my bowls of Mini Wheats. Brings new meaning to the word fresh, put 7-11 to shame. And think of the fun we could have playing indoor frisbee with dried out cowpies! We could even plant an indoor grass garden for the cow to graze in. Oh the possibilities"
Michael W says, "in answer to your question, i would rather live in the house that read to me every morning at 2. Because I work mostly late shifts and i'm just going to sleep at that time, so the house would read me to sleep each night. And even when i don't work, i still go to bed around that time. Thanks for the great house idea, now i must go out and find this house and buy it, later"
Dave H. says, "Hey, I have both an answer and a question, regarding your house question. What's wrong with the house made of dirt? I'm sure there are people who make their houses out of dirt out in Africa or somewhere. I'm guessing that's a lot better than nothing, which makes it good enough for me. The answer to your question is thus: If I were a house, I would ...I mean if I lived in a house, I would live in the one with the Shakespear. That guy's stuff isn't as bad as you might make it seem. Two in the morning... I think I'd get used to it. The cow deal... well if there's nothing I could do about it (killing it and eating it) that's just a bad idea. So a house made of dirt, or a house that read Shakespear? I'd pick the Shakespear deal because then at least when it rains your house isn't turning to mud."

What's Up With That?

So yeah, I have to come up with a cool concluding paragraph to this issue that's new and original. That's kinda hard to do considering I've been around for so long. Yep, I'm old. But being old has it's advantages. Like for one, you can pass for 55 and get into 55A movies. Although after doing that I wonder why I would want to see a movie about shuffleboard again. Hey guess what? I'm tired. Can you tell? Can you tell? And then there was stir fry.

Trevor YVR Plett

(From now until forever, time will be infinite and eternal just like 5:00 on a clock that is stuck at 5:00 because Billy decided to play football in the house and well his sister got mad at him and decided to stick out her leg and trip him but Billy jumped over her leg, of course landing on a pretzel which made a crunching sound distracting Billy so that he didn't notice his mom and tripped over her and smashed his nose into the clock breaking it and causing it to stay 5:00 forever)