Today Is Not July 12

"Hello," said the triangle to the oval, "nice to meet you"
*slap*
"Wow what soft hands you have", said the triangle
*kick to the isosceles*

The Cantaloupe

Yes! It's almost the end of October and I've said it before and I'll say it again. What's up with November? Totally the dull month of the year. The only month that compares at all is February. By November you're into your routine and you're sick of it. Christmas is almost two months away yet. There's no holidays in November. In college, EVERYTHING is due in November. And just like last year, you get to hear me complain about the month of November. But then again, the Grey Cup is in November. And November 13 is in November. Not sure what makes that day so good, but possibly something. Now if I had a birthday in November it'd make things so much cooler. Anyways what I'm really trying to say is for this issue I'm going to steal another person's material and present it as my own. Actually no wait, now that I told you that you will know the truth. So for a treat, I'm going to answer reader questions and by reader questions I mean relationship questions from readers of other peoples columns that I stole.

Very Scary Berry

"Dear Lynn (Lynn? That's not my name),
I grew up hearing that each relationship you’re in makes you better for the next one and helps you learn more about what you're looking for in a partner. I'm not entirely convinced of this. About four years ago, when I was 28, I fell in love with a woman. I was not naive or inexperienced in dealing with relationships. Every ounce of my soul told me that this was The One. I was completely in love. And this was not a situation of unrequited love, because the "I love you" actually came from her first. To make a long story short, she broke up with me and we have no contact at all. The problem is the effect this has had on me. I think on an unconscious level, I no longer “trust” the emotion of love itself. The logic being, if everything told me "This was The One" and it wasn't, how will I ever truly know?
-Conflicted Craig"
Well Conflicted Craig (if that is your real name, and I highly doubt it), I think one of your main problems is the fact that you call yourself conflicted. I mean what girl wants to go out with somebody who is conflicted? Clearly when you are conflicted that means you are sure about things. So you say "I was completely in love". Well everything told you she was the one, but you didn't want to believe it now did you? You were conflicted. Did you even get to know her name? Nowhere in your question does this woman have one. Are you sure you were going out with the same person each time, because I've heard of guys who forgot who their girlfriend was and accidently took some other girl out on a date. Well when their real girlfriend phones and asks why they didn't pick them up it can be embarassing.Now here's my advice. Work on a new persona. Stop being "Conflicted Craig" and try something new. For my money, "Cuddly" goes well with Craig. It's often hard to control your own feelings, but if you make girls like you, they're much more likely not to break up with you. And for all I know girls much rather prefer cuddly to conflicted. Nobody likes conflict except maybe the television viewer. So unless you plan on becoming a reality television star...THAT'S THE ANSWER! Simply appear on "The Bachelor" and your problems are solved.

The Time For Trix

Today is that day of the year they call Halloween. Halloween has a long and admirable heritage as a holiday. In fact I wish to tell you the story about it.
Halloween began in the early 5th century B.C. when a group of concerned parents decided they could no longer deal with awful holidays at the time such as Redolphus Day and Uschker. The leader of this group went by the name of Thyphlon and he and his wife Noltaklia were the social activitists of their time. At one point they tried to petition the king of their country to stop torturing innocent citizens of their country for amusement. Of course you know what the king REALLY ended up doing with their request. So after the king stopped torturing innocent people as they asked him to they got these big ideas in their head. So they decided to have a day celebrating all that was good about mankind. They figured they needed to be able to pass this on to their children. So each year on the day of Halloween they got their children to dress up like visionary humanitarians and go door to door in poor neighbourhoods where they would give things to the people there. As for decorations they figured that in such a happy holiday of peace and kindness they'd put up decorations showing goodness, happiness and healing. In that spirit they got the biggest thing they could find to carve at the time, a pumpkin, then they put a nice happy smiley face on it and put that on the porch to signify they were taking part in the love fest. The tradition turned out to be so popular that it changed the world and we're all living without violence or selfishness to this day and the tradition of Halloween is still practiced exactly the same as it was back then even to this day.

Continuing Ideas

If you read this and have no idea what kind of costume you should wear for next year (considering you probably don't have enough time yet this year, should've thought of that earlier right?), I've got ideas. Ideas I've thought long and hard about. Well first of all you could be scroll lock. Or the Shift Key. Or Backspace. No, I am NOT looking at the keyboard. I have GREAT ideas, stop making fun of them. You're mean! Boo.

?The?

A certain reader decided since I didn't ask you guys any questions that he would ask me a question. Thus I shall answer that. And here it is:
"Have you ever stopped to think about the starving Penguins on the dark side of Antartica? If so, what conclusion have you come to? Are they considered to be in the wrong just because they live in darkness half the time?"
Ahhhh. A deep theological and anthropological question. Yes, I've seen the commercials asking for support for the darkness ravanged penguins. I've heard the people begging for money to ease the suffering. This is no laughing matter. However the information given to us is flawed. You say they only live in darkness HALF the time. Well there's the problem. They have light. But they don't choose to see that half now do they? The truth is that the "dark side" of Antarctica actually has exactly the same amount of light as the so-called "light side". One group of penguins focuses themselves on seeing the light and were wise (thus conquering the world and mastering the best kept secret), while another group of penguins thinks they live in darkness and ends up being poor and starving. So if you ask whether or not I think they are wrong because they live in darkness half the time I would say no. They are not wrong because they live in darkness. They are wrong ABOUT living in darkness. It's a self-created prison. So here's my solution. Let's work with them to help them see the light. Perhaps if we show them the truth they will be able to bring themselves out of this prison and do something with their lives.One problem to doing this is many of the "dark side" penguins believe that the darkness is better than the light. They just sit around the ice all day and they balloon into walrus sized penguins. Well they eventually explode. We need to talk some sense into such penguins, because it is a noble cause.
That brings us to the QUESTION OF THE HOUR which is:
"What do you think about the economic situation in Hamburg right now? Do you think they should continue to rely heavily on hamburgers or branch out and focus on both ham and burgs? What would be your solution?"

Olive Famous For

A few random thoughts for a new millenium while tomorrow is another time for nonsensical thoughts. First of all, I have a happy face clipboard. It's really cool! It's smiling at me right now and makes me wonder why I have a nose when it doesn't. And that yellow skin is just ravishing. I'm getting a start on this new millenium (which isn't all that new anymore) today by wearing entirely silver clothes. Yes, that's right. I mean isn't that what everyone wears in the future? Clearly it must be a better fashion than anything we have right now. Maybe it's somehow more attactive and they found that scientifically. Got to be true. And everyone should get a vase to use as a cup, because it's far more efficient.

Trevor YVR Plett

(The phrase "Trick Or Treat" comes for the English word "trick" and the English word "treat". It's hard to track down exactly what those words used to mean, because the English culture is a strange one. They lived a long, long time ago and did some wierd things. But what this crazy phrase really means will probably elude even the brightest of convenience store clerks, because there simply is nobody with the power to go back in time and figure it out. Can you? Do you have a green shirt and seven identical strands of perrigonia 11? Because if you don't, you can't do it. Too bad for you, because I would have complimented you if you had been able to)