Answer the Question Already

The Cantaloupe

Well it's upon us like a deer sneaking up on an unsuspecting cabin, the school year. Now for many of you the passing of summer into fall only means the trees get deleafified. But for others it's a dramatic change. For some people (the younger ones especially) it means you get to go back to your favourite place in the whole world, SCHOOL! Now personally I know school is a long and boring thing for most of you, but I've decided to be kind and gentle (well not so much gentle) and give you some tips for going Back To School. But don't take it from me, I have no kids of my own to send back to school. Take it from Yerov the hard-working Russian farmer.

Sending Kids Back To School The Yerov Way

For those of you who do not know the story of Yerov, well he grew up in the olden days in Russia. When he was growing up in the communist regime they were teaching the kids propaganda about obeying the leaders and what not. Well luckily for Yerov he was from the poor family and didn't even end up going to school. I suppose that's only lucky if you think toiling all your life and ending up with nothing but mouths to feed is a successful life, but Yerov would probably say he's been a success so I'll let him think that. So Yerov took up the family farm and began doing whatever it is farmers do. When did he start this? At the age of 8. So instead of doing schooling like a usual child would he sweated and grunted and crashed rusty farm equipment into the family barn (which also was their house). Well once Yerov had 27 kids of his own he didn't have enough work at the farm for all of them to do so he figured he'd send a couple of them to school. Well he's had a lot of interesting experiences with this. One day one son came home and told him what he'd learned in science that day. "The Earth is round like a ball" his son said. "I'll have no more of your imagination," Yerov said, "We don't need to hear your fanciful stories. Stories don't sow the seeds. Stories don't water the crops. Stories, even the best stories in the whole entire world, don't harvest the crops. So why you be telling me those stories?" His son looked at him and apologized and promised he'd never go to school again. Well he did go to school again, because the family needed some supplies and had commissioned him to go take stuff from the school and bring it home. Either way, Yerov is certainly the practical type so you'll want to take him advice because he knows from experience. Last night I talked in person with Yerov the hard-working Russian farmer and he told me a few things about going back to school. First of all he told me that before one goes back to school they need to make sure their herd of gazelles is safely kept in their grazing area. He told me a story: "Once when my fifteen child was going to school she forgot to close the gate and half my gazelles ran away! Gazelle milk is what feeds my kids. It's the best kind! And don't even ask about how hard it is to get gazelles. It's next to impossible!". So take it from Yerov, you shouldn't let the gazelles out of the pen, because apparantly gazelle milk is a delicacy of some kind. The next thing that you want to know about going back to school is to make sure you bring a couple rags with you. Yerov says, "Well you see, my kids ain't got a lot of money for shoes so when they walk down the long road to school in the morning their feet get blood on them. Well you see, the trick is to get some rags and tie them to your feet and thus your feet stay blood free." Blood free. There you have it. When you go school shopping this year, keep your feet blood free by tearing up some of your old clothes and tying them around your feet. Now I know what some of you are thinking...why should I take advice from a 63 year old Russian? Well take it from me, he has life experience. And if you can't listen to that then for shame. I don't want to even call you a friend. If you hear and don't obey, you need to shape up. So the next one of you that I hear letting their gazelles out into the open will most certainly be getting a verbal lashing from me, you hear? Yeah that's right! I thought so.

For the Uninitiated

Many of you more recent readers of my overrated nonsense may not know how the system works around here. Well you see, it's that time again. Yes, it's QUESTION OF THE WEEK time. Well the way this works is that once you hear my question, you write out a thoughtful reply in your most dignified fashion, quoting Shakespeare at least 5 times and you mail it to me by mail. Don't mail it to me by phone. That doesn't work! So that said, I expect my "INKORGEN" (Inbox in Swedish) to be overflowing with useless nonsense in the next couple of days. You understand? Good.

Comatose Or Worse

Have you ever been talking to somebody and they tell you they're about tell you something important, but then instead of saying what they are going to say they get sidetracked in details about what you need to do when they tell you and stuff? Well don't you hate that? I mean just come out and say it! Don't all of a sudden forget to ask your QUESTION OF THE WEEK if you're wanting to do it. Just do it. Who cares about how you're supposed to respond. If people want to respond they will. Maybe the response will be worse if you totally forget. These kinds of people make me sick. Sick and nausiated. Sick and nausiated and kinda hungry. Hungry for meatballs. So if you ever run into one of these people that I hate so much, tell them they need to get on with it! Tell them that if they were a tuna sandwitch, they'd be at the bottom of the lunchbox!

Oops I Forgot To Do Something

I was just about to write my name and call it a newsletter when I realized I hadn't said goodbye yet. Goodbye.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Of all the colours of the rainbow, I think the colour that brings out intimidation the most is yellow. I mean the sun is fairly yellow. How many people do you know that have the courage to stare directly into the sun's eyes? Not many if you ask me. The sun is a scary thing and it's because the sun is yellow)