"Rakes: My Archnemesis"

The Cantaloupe

As of recent weeks, critics have really begun to take fire at me. Someone sent me a copy of this Vern. B. Femack's article and I must admit, it really hurt. I mean apparantly my articles are no better than the mountains. Oh well. I'll survive I think. You know what I'm finding hard about writing? Small talk. It's hard to find unique little things to say at the start of each issue. I mean I talk about some event that's happening or the season or something like that. Well after almost two years of doing this you have trouble coming up with ideas. It's kinda like an NFL quarterback. As a rookie, every play is new and unique. You relish throwing the ball, but after a couple years in the league it all goes downhill. You lose your motivation for doing it. I mean why take a couple steps back and throw a ball for the like millionth time? If I was an NFL quarterback I think I would try something new like crabwalking backwards then crushing the ball with my palm and eating it. Now that would certainly be new and unique! So as I was saying, experience means nothing and it doesn't help anyone and I'm an idiot. But what's new about that? I'm sure I've said all that before.

Always Verdana- Font Of Champions

I've always thought around this time of year that trees truly are crazy. You see this is the time of year where the trees have their leaves turn yellow (or red) and then all the leaves fall off the tree and onto the ground. Now here's my issue with this. Imagine a person. Imagine in the spring that they put on clothes. Now all summer long they wear clothes. Personally I hope you can imagine this, because if you can't you may wish to have an imagination adjustment (or maybe you need to get out more). But that's off topic. Now imagine just as the days start getting chillier and colder this person takes these clothes off and stands there shivering in their underpants. This is what trees do every year. They strip themselves down for the winter and dress for the summer. Unless of course you want to think of the snow covering as some sort of parka, but then you realize that making those sorts of connections about trees is stupid.

Well Other Than When I Use Arial By Mistake

Last time I asked a question and that question was thus stated, "Do you listen to different styles of music when you're doing different things like hanging off the rafters than say you would when you're pretending to be a cinnamon bun?"Well I got a few answers to this query.
Russell D. writes, "Yes, I listen to different types of music depending on what I do, but I find that the biggest factor that affects what type of music I listen to is my mood. If I'm angry, I'll listen to louder and heavier music and if I'm happier I'll usually listen to more happy music."
Well I assume you listen to different styles according to your mood. However what mood are you in when you're hanging from the rafters? Angry? And pretending to be a cinnamon bun, maybe happy? Is that what you're trying to tell me?Another reader chastizes me on the question.
Dave H. writes "Do I listen to different types of music when I do different things? That's a crazy question to ask, there is only one song ever written. That song is "Peaches". All other 'songs' are um... not songs."
So that's it. However that wasn't the only comment about the previous issue that I got. In the small print it talked about me showing a diamond to my girlfriend. It prompted one reader to remark, "you have a girlfriend?" Well I'll tell you this: I don't not have a girlfriend. Or wait...I don't think I understand how to use double negatives. Maybe that's why I don't have a girlfriend. What girl would take someone who can't use double negatives properly? Of course that takes us to our question of the week, which is something I'm very curious about. So I'll quickly run my "Question Of The Week" title and we can get on with it.

Question Of The Week

The question of the week is mostly for the ladies, but if there are guys who wish to role play, go right ahead. In fact I encourage it."If you had the choice between going out with a guy who constantly compares you to a grapefruit, a guy who dresses up in a salmon costume every time you go on a date, or a guy who is always under attack by wild otters, who would you LEAST wish to go out with and who would you MOST wish to go out with and WHY?"
Please refrain yourselves from NOT answering this question. I have to know this. Why? Because I have three friends who are each one of these things? Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, I'd just like to know. So help me out.

Soon I'll Garamond My Name

The prestigious Cantaloupe may not be that old, but I am. And I'm getting older. It's getting to the end of September and soon will be October and that's a frightenous thought. But soon after that comes December and I like December. It's good times all around. I really enjoy that Hanukkah season. I also enjoying eating a piece of cherry cheesecake to tell you the truth. Other things I enjoy include long walks along the beach.

Trevor YVR Plett

("I thought I was your archnemesis.""I have a life outside you Bart". Words spoken by Kelsey Grammar playing Sideshow Bob. Well some of them. And Kelsey Grammar also was on Frasier, but you know what he was on before Frasier? Cheers. Or maybe it was 'I Love Lucy'. No, I'm pretty sure it was Cheers. Did you know that his real last name isn't Grammar, but he just got that because he properly pronounced everything. "Really?" you ask. No, not really. I made that up so I'd look smart. I suppose it backfired now didn't it?)