Great Or Grey, Who's To Say?

The Cantaloupe

There's a famous saying that goes, "Everytime you get a wrinkle, your smile gets that much larger". Well time flies by so I must have a pretty large smile, right? Well I don't have wrinkles so HA! I may be old, but not that old. I mean while I have been writing for a while I have only been doing "The Cantaloupe" for one and three quarter years. I've been alive for many more years that I have not been writing. And what a life I've lived. In honour of myself (yes MYSELF), I will present to you ten of my favourite stories of things that have happened to me over the course of this life of mine. Some may not be true, others may be false, but one thing is for sure; None of the stories won't be made up.

Trevor's Magical Adventures In Happy Land

1985- Oh those crazy 80's! Back in those days I was two years old. You see in the 80's parents made their kids wear goatskins, because they thought it was cool to look like cave men. However they didn't want people to look like cave men, just kids younger than 3. Well I was younger than three so I had this cute little club and all. Then my parents got me this little kitten and glued some really long teeth in it's mouth so it'd look like a saber tooth tiger and we'd always play together. My parents tell me once when I tried to club the kitten, the kitten bit me and I started bleeding! What I would've given to be there when that happened. Oh wait...I was. And it was me. Okay, anyways I miss those days

1988- In the winter of this year, Calgary hosted the Winter Olympics. Now at the time I was four. Of course I was a curous four year old just like all of them were. When you see something you want to try it. The Olympics being here was a once in a lifetime oppertunity so my parents took us all to go watch the slalom (skiing). I thought this was so cool that when I went home I went outside and brought snow inside and stuck it on the staircase. Once the stairs were covered with snow I took two rulers, taped them to my feet and went down the stairs. Well wouldn't you know my dad walks in a tries to go down the stairs. He slips and falls all the way down. Boy, was he not happy! Back in those days, punishment was often related to the crime, so my dad brings me to the top of the stairs. He tells me that I shouldn't have completed covered our stairs with snow and says that there's consequences. Then he gives this line about "hurting me more than it hurts you" and he pushes me down the stairs. Boy, did I never do that again. So it was very effective punishment. Very memorable

1991- The summer of 1991 brought one of the world's biggest scares. You see during that year, things started looking bleak for the world. Some scientists mistaken claimed that the Earth had been knocked off it's orbit and was going to fly into the sun in three months. Of course NOW we know that was completely stupid, but at time people believed everything that any other person said. "This is the 90's, they'd say. I know people lied back in the 80's and the 70's and the 60's, but they don't lie in the 90's. These days are different" they'd say. So people went through all sorts of wierd fads: sun-proof vests, giant sunglasses and other sun-related items. I remember my dad made us dig under our house all summer long. He gave us shovels and all we did all day was dig. "You'll be thankful when we're still alive and underground" he said. So one day I saw this pile of dirt. It looked so soft and cushy so I jumped in it like any fun-loving eight year old would. I sunk in and was just about to get out when something in the dirt pile grabbed me. I struggled, but it kept pulling me under. I screamed and my family came to my rescue. I'm glad, because we thought it could have been anything (there were rumours in this era that sand snakes and dragons were real and we didn't disbelieve it because it was the 90's). We found out it was a homeless guy named Paul who had snuck into our pit, planning to kill us all one by one and steal our safe spot. We were sure relieved by that, let me tell you!

1993- One of my favourite school memories involves this teacher at Col. Scott named Mrs. Fletcherson. Mrs. Fletcherson was my science teacher. Our class in grade five was incredibly rowdy and Mrs. Fletcherson simply had no patience with any of us. I know this was a long time ago, but we were a very modern school. Not only was capital punishment not allowed for misbehaving students, but corporal punishment wasn't allowed either. So she was trying to teach us about plants and stuff, but this kid Andy said some silly comment and Mrs. Fletcherson gave him that look. You all know that look from when you were a kid. That look where the teacher would like nothing better than to completely disembowel you. Well Andy just froze in his chair. Then Mrs. Fletcherson came over, grabbed Andy and took him over to this old trunk in the corner. "Think that was funny, didn't you," she asked, "well I think this will be pretty funny too!" Then she opened the trunk, stuck him in it and put some weights on top of it so he couldn't get out. None of us were ever the same in her class again. He didn't get out of the box until the end of the day either. Although I never did see him again. None of us did. At first we thought he had got suspended for his bad behavior, but then we heard stories that he was missing and his parents were all worried. This scared us, but we were kids, we'd do nothing like make jokes and tall tales. Some kids claimed they heard someone yell from the trunk and other claimed they heard banging on the sides of it. We all swore that was a haunted trunk. Sometimes we'd see Mrs. Fletcherson throw some her leftovers from lunch in the trunk. We were all amazed she had the courage to go near that trunk. But she was a remarkable teacher.

1995- My parents stuck me into basketball at a really young age. I had already by this year been in basketball for quite a while. At least a few years. Anyways, I was on a really sucky team and ended being the MVP for the team or whatever it was called. But anyway, I was walking down the street one day with a friend of mine when a black limosine pulls up and this guy gets out. Well he works for this shoe company and he wants me to advertise his product. I ask him if he works for Nike. "No". Reebok? "No". Adidas? Well it turns out he really didn't work for any shoe company I had heard of. It was Yellondarf brand shoes. He wasn't really offering me millions either. He offered me two bucks and a pair of really ugly flimsy shoes. Well being a kid, I said yes. So he got me to record this commercial and long story short, Yellondarf shoes are now a household name. Everybody owns their products.

1996- I went into grade eight with high expectations. Well not so much high expectations as a portable trampoline. It was as big as a real trampoline, but within 20 seconds I could fold it up and stick it in my pocket. I was the rage at the school. Who else owned one of these things? All the girls wanted to go out with me, but not so much me as they really just wanted to jump on the trampoline. My heart got used and abused in these days, but not as much as my trampoline. Then one day this girl I really had a crush on asked me if she could use my trampoline and well of course I said yes. Then she asked me if I'd like to make out on the trampoline. Well I said yes to that too. Unfortunately then I woke up. I'm trying to figure out why this is a favourite memory of mine, but it's certainly very sad and possibly tragic. Of course I was in junior high and what do you expect?

1998- In the late 90's things were beginning to change. People weren't as trusting as they were at the start of the 90's. People were becoming crankier and were all hoping for the millenium to come so that many shiny silver space ships would wisk them all home. Anyways it was during this time that my family took a vacation to Japan. The culture shock for our family was huge. They did things so very differently there. You see the Samurai were sort of on the end of their reign and moderism was coming to pass. So while many of the people we met were dressed in suit or other "western" clothes, others were dressed in Samurai armor. So on our trip, I befriended a Samurai and he gave me his sword. This is all context for our story of course. You see on the plane ride home I was showing the pilot my sword (which in those days was completely normal) when I accidently stabbed my sword through the control panel. We veered left and then went into a nose dive. The pilot tried and he couldn't do anything. Of course he couldn't do anything, because back in those days planes didn't control up or down with controls, but they were like teeter totters. If the weight of people in the plane was in the front of the plane, the plane started going down. If the weight of people in the plane was in the back, then the plane went up. So I yelled for all the people to go to the back of the plane and then we were okay. I felt great, because I had been the hero. The prime minister gave me a visit and I showed him the samurai sword too, which also was okay at the time.

2000- "In the year 2000....in the year 2000" -Conan O'Brien. The year 2000 was an interesting one. I had many fun experiences like when my friend Nolan swam in a public fountain. But what I enjoyed even more than that was when I got another guy by the name of Percy to fill his car with sliced cucumber and drive like that to school. Well he asked a girl along the way if she wanted a ride and when she said she did, he said, "There might be a few cucumbers on your seat". That line was simply hilarious. Anyway, Percy and that girl and married now and at their wedding she said she simply couldn't resist a guy with a car full of cucumbers. There was something about sitting there with only your eyes visible above the pile that attracted her. Of course another of my friends tried it with rotting fish heads and the girl was interested. Go figure.

2001- I graduated from high school.

NO WAIT! I can't end it there. So far that's not fraudulent. I must continue with the story. So after I graduated I went off to far away Illinois. I camped out in a tent and saw a whole lot of bands. It was something called a music festival.

NO WAIT! This story doesn't seem right. It can't have happened! It's too far-fetched.

2004- A series of strange break-ins occur at the Plett residence. After the first of these I notice the theif had hacked into my e-mail account on my computer (which was strange, because he wouldn't have had to be in my house to do that). He had used it to send a mass e-mail to my contact list. What had he sent? I didn't have to wait long to find out. It was something called "The Cantaloupe". The next week he did it again. So I figured I'd hide out and wait for him. So on a cold and gloomy day I waited in the dark. That's when I heard creaking and saw it was an unknown man! He then went on to hack on to my account and start writing an e-mail. So at the best time I jumped out at him and he grabbed me and defeated me in two seconds. Since then he's came every once in a while, pointed a gun at my head and forced me to write. No, I'm just kidding here. This entry isn't real at all. In fact what really happened is I stumbled across this portal in the time/space thingy and I took it and I got all the ideas from there. So yeah. Oh yeah and also I thwarted an attempt to take over the world. But that's not as exciting as it's portrayed on the movies. In fact it's kinda boring. So it fails to make the list

So Trevor, What's Your Point?

Why Trevor are you writing about being old and looking back on your life. Well, for those of you who haven't figured it out it is the anniversary of my birth. Yes, in fact today. Yes, in fact right now. So take it as a cause of celebration or take it as a cause for mourning. I'll take it as either. You can simply tell me that I have wrinkles and I'm fat, because I'm probably a big jerk. But anyways I've had a good life as you can clearly tell by all the memories I conjured up. I hope it lasts between 5 minutes and 70 years longer. Have a pleasant day, because it SHALL be a darn good one!

Trevor YVR Plett

(Exactly how old am I? Older than the sun and the moon put together that's how old. Now if you doubt me cut me open and check out my rings, like a tree, because I'm sure I'll have them. Then go and ask the sun and the moon how old they are and add them together. NO MULTIPLYING JERK! That's not fair. Boo hoo. So yeah I'm like a zillion years old. Is that the answer you're looking for?)