The Square Comes Full Circle

The Cantaloupe

Look it's me and I'm writing you again! Isn't that a miracle? Well unless you've never got one of these before. If you're one of those people you need to know this. This is not the most boring newsletter in the world. If by any chance you assume it is well you need to go read National Geographic or something, because then you'll realize that you're right. This is incredibly boring.

Maroon is to Burgandy as Melons are to Hamsters

Well it's still in the summer months here (and I hope where you are, since I don't believe I have any loyal Australian readers). The summer months are times to go outside and roast your outer flesh. They are also times to show other people how out of shape and flabby you actually are. I'm in particular going to look at one phenomenon. The summer BBQ. Well first of all I need to figure out one thing. Why in particular is the summer BBQ a guy thing? What do I mean? Well have you ever been invited to a BBQ hosted by a girl? Couples yes. Guys yes. Girls no. So why doesn't your friend Marietta send you a e-mail saying, "Look we're going to cook some raw meat over a fire". Why not? Well that's one of the things I'm going to look into with the investigative journalism prowess that has won me nothing so far. Well first of all we simply have to look into what a BBQ consists of. Well there's this thing called a grill. Now one thing I've learned over years of experience is that guys are pyros. There's something about fire that attracts us. I mean personally I think women would make better fire fighters for this reason.

FireMAN 1- Hey look at that fire!
FireMAN 2- Woah! That's really cool!
FM1- Oh wow! That guy's house is totally burning down!
FM2- What should we do?
FM1- I say we grab some sticks and see if we can light them on fire!
FireWOMAN- Isn't our job to put out the fire?
(FireMAN 1 and 2 are already dancing around the fire)

It's a true story. Guys are stupidly fascinated with fire. For example on Wednesday night, I was part of a bunch of guys that did exactly that. We took our shirts off and danced around a bonfire, saw how close we could get to it and even jumped through it. So you see, guys like fire. Why don't girls like fire so much. Well I think it comes from girls being practical. How many times during your life have you seen an injured girl and her injury comes from sheer stupidity? Now think the same question about guys. Guys get injured by stupidity, girls get injured for good reasons (although clutsiness isn't really that good a reason). Girls see the danger in taking explosive materials and tossing them on fires. No girl that I know has lit gasoline filled snowmen on fire in city parks, but I know guys that have. Girls generally think ahead. Now I know I'm already way off my original topic here, but let's keep on going. Girls are to Boys what Boys are to Fire. Now I sort of regret saying that, because now I have to defend it. Of course you all know I don't regret it, because I could very easily find the "Backspace" key on my computer. Guys are stupid when it comes to fire, but even guys and fire cannot rival girls and their excuses when it comes to guys. I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Common sense needs to be used in every situation. Let's reuse my previous sketch

Woman 1- Hey! Look at that guy!
Woman 2- Woah! He's really cute!
W1- Oh wow! I heard he totally is a jerk and used his previous girlfriend!
W2- What should we do?
W1- I say we go over and flirt with him.
Woman's Male Friend- You do realize you're idiots right?
(Women are already flocking around guy)

Lucky for guys, fire isn't actually all that harmful.

The Author Takes A Break To Get Back On Topic

Now where was I? Oh yes. So I explained how guys like fire and girls don't (at least to the same extent). What else is involved in the BBQ? Oh wait, I heard a little sparrow outside. "Go back off topic" it says. Well I must obey that little sparrow at least to some extent. I'll still talk about BBQs, but I was going to talk about how guys like raw meat and girls don't. Well instead here's the reason guys host BBQs and girls don't. Guys like inviting girls to things and then looking like Provider Man. I mean it's nature. Guys like looking tough and girls like guys who look tough. I mean let's look at the example of two guys having a fight to the death. They fight and eventually one guy wins and the other guy is dead. How many girls do you know want to go out with the loser? None that I know of. I mean he's clearly weaker and girls like stronger guys. And girls definitely do not like deader guys. In the same way a good BBQ is like winning a fight to the death. And a BBQ where you end up burning yourself to death is like losing that fight I guess. Whatever. All I know is that I like BBQs.

The Extraordinary Adventures of PROVIDER MAN!!

The town of Mortolrambis lay in despair. You see for no apparant reason (or maybe one that I simply wish not to tell you) the town consisted entirely of women ages 18-30. The women of this town had no men to take care of them. They were completely helpless. Why? Because the evil Mr. Star Orbitus had locked up all the men (Oops, I wasn't supposed to tell you the reason). CLEARLY women could not fend for themselves. I mean women simply don't know how to operate a spear to kill a wild donkey. The women were hysterical. What would they do? With all the men gone, they were helpless. But what Mr. Star Orbitus did not count on was PROVIDER MAN! Suddenly Provider Man flew into town and in no time had killed many rogue aardvarks and cooked them over an open fire. All the women of the town flocked around him and marvelled at his chiseled features and ultra-tight spandex suit. The town had been saved! The evil Mr. Star Orbitus stewed in his lair. What could he do? Then he realized it. He released all the men! What will become of Provider Man when all the men get jealous and try and stomp him? This and much more will be answered later when we rejoin our program...

And In Conclusion

At this point in the program I'd like you all to realize I believe absolutely EVERYTHING I have said. There is no exaggeration of truth or anything that is meant to make you laugh. If you have any comments or question on it, feel free to send them to me and I'll send you a free nothing.So on that note, I'd like to go leave my house now so I'll get my raincoat on to protect against the hail of tomatoes. Have a great someday.

Trevor YVR Plett

(The act of putting one's foot in ones mouth is actually relatively simple. It's much more difficult to get one's belly button in your mouth. I have often tried to do it, but it is very difficult. On the easy scale, it's very easy to get your tongue in your mouth. It's actually way easier to have it in your mouth than out of your mouth. Getting a carrot into your mouth is a thrill, because it's like being a bunny.)