Always Twirling Towards Freedom

The Cantaloupe

It's now time for issue 51, the lesser known issue that doesn't have all the fanfare of a milestone issue, but it's still good in it's own way. I mean for instance, I don't have to use 51 as a theme for everything I do in this issue like I did in the last one. I don't have to build a time machine and travel to the future to steal one of my future columns like I did for my last issue. Now that was pretty difficult, but I did it all for you, my readers. Because I like you. How much do I like you? Well let's just say I like you more than reading the newspaper, but not as much as ice cream.

Birds of a Feather always lose Feathers

There's something I simply must correct. There's one bird that has gotten this bum rep and I need to correct it. Okay so let's give an example to start this all off. Let's say you have a friend who's walking into a room and then they see an ominous paper clip, get scared and run away screaming. Now if they continually refuse to go back in that room, what bird would you compare them to? A mockingbird? A swallow? No. You'd compare them to a chicken. Now what have chickens ever done to make themselves synonymous with cowardice? To examine this further let's look at other commonly used expressions or sayings involving chickens. Well the first one I can think of is "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" This doesn't really provide us with any insight other than we all know the half-chicken-half-egg came first. Okay now we come to the other thing about chickens which is a joke told by kids at the youngest ages: "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Now let's imagine for a second that cars were ten times the size they are now. Would you be more or less likely to want to cross the street? Well that's what it's like for chicken. Cars don't stop for chickens. Cars don't swerve for chickens. Cars crush chickens. People eat chickens. Now I still don't understand what's so cowardly about risking one's life, but let's get to the joke's punch line: "To get to the other side". The only reason the bird is crossing the road is because it wants to get to the other side. Now even the most cowardly people on this earth can do things they are scared of if it's a life or death situation. So if the answer to the joke was "Because a 10 foot mechanical koala was breathing fire right behind it" then maybe you could still call a chicken a coward. But no, that's not the reason. The chicken simply is a risk-taker. It does it because it can. This picture of a chicken is highly contrary to what we have been taught. Chickens are not cowards. We must realize the power of our words. Words can hurt. So the next time you thinking of making little Betty cry by calling her a coward, stop and think. Who are you really making fun of? That's right, the chicken!

The Adventures of Little Betty

Little Betty was a misunderstood child. She had problems, but not for no reason. She was 10, and she had very few friends. She was constantly teased by the other children. It wasn't her fault she was afraid of crayons jumping out from under chairs. If you knew her story, you wouldn't be surprised she would avoid chairs and/or crayons at all costs. When she was five, a crayon truck drove by her house and hit a telephone post. Well five year olds are curious creatures and she investigated. Now comes the scary part. Suddenly a cougar came out of nowhere and gave her a great paw to the side. The girl of course was very hurt by this. Her family being very concerned with her went out to first make sure she was okay and then grab all the loose crayons they could that had spilled out of the truck. Now Little Betty when she got better lived in a house full of crayons. Eventually she got sick of crayons. Eventually sick turned into deathly afraid of. Eventually she mistook the word crayon for the word chair. Do you believe this rendition of the story? Do you really think that's why she's afraid of crayons and chairs? Well you'd better, because I'm not telling a different story.

Interregation Until You Relax

It seems to have rained a whole lot here in the last while. The local news was all about flooding this and flooding that. Of course the moral as always is simply to convert your current home into some sort of houseboat.

And Then "Poof"

As many of you may know, I'm disappearing in a few days and not reappearing until a little bit later. Yes, that good old camp stuff. I like the outdoors. There's nothing like waking up in the middle of the night and realizing there's no washroom in the same building as yourself. If any of you think girls pack a lot of stuff, you either need to change your definition of girls to include me, or perhaps just change your thought patterns, whichever is easier. So as I'm out shortly, I figured I'd give you reader e-mail.

"hey yvr!!! congrats on the 50th issue! i'm quite impressed!!! i remember when the cantaloupe was such a young thing. so new and vulnerable! my, it has certainly aged gracefully...well, in response to your above question, and after thinking long and hard about a decent answer- i began to think about the possibility of chewing gum being a way of generating power. think about it...how many people at one time chew gum? i would say MANY!!! so imagine all that jaw power! hook up some windmills and you're good to go!
God bless yvr and keep the cantaloupe alive!!!
bridget."
An ancient proverb once said, "The mouth is so powerful, there should be no need for a plow". Well I think we should plow the fields using only our mouths. It'd be fun to watch. Of course I wouldn't want to put oxen out of a job. I mean what else can you do with oxen

The Question Of The Summer

Who'd win in fight, the chicken or the egg? Why?
Just because I love you guys, I'll try and get another issue out in the next couple of weeks. I can't make any promises, but let's just cross our fingers and then jam them into a wall. That way you'll be thinking of the pain and forget all about me not putting out an issue in the longest of times.

Trevor YVR Plett

(The fine art of fine print originated with the Chinese. They used to put fine print on rice to warn against many things including dragons, floods, fires and malnutrition. However this was a problem considering rice is already very small. The art continued with the Norse. They used to put fine print on clubs so that those they smashed would know they'd be dead. But not until me, has fine print been used to its full capacities.)