From Acorn To Oak

The Cantaloupe
The Making Of: From Acorn To Oak

For today's issue I decided I'd bring you closer to the process of creating the Cantaloupe. I figure a lot of you might have some false ideas about what the writing process does or does not include. Many of you have this idea in your head that once in a while all of sudden this random e-mail appears in your inbox. It might be from your imagination, you really don't have a clue how it came to be. Now in the past I've been highly secretive over my creative process. Very few people have seen any parts of writing. This will change however today in this breakthrough report.

Before Beginning

To get into the creative spirit, before each issue even begins I get a massage. This relaxes me and gets my brain ready to work. How did I get my very own masseuse? Well you see I opened up my own university. And I accept students that no other university will take. Just because these students are incredibly stupid doesn't mean I won't accept them. In fact it means I'm more likely to accept them. These students are precious people that nobody else in society would accept. Shame on all those who have exploited them. Well that's about to change. I mean just because these types of people think a piece of paper saying "Diploma" on it can be brought to a job interview doesn't mean we should condemn them. No, it is my goal to give them that piece of paper. So for a low, low price I have taken these lowly students into my university. One class I give is called, "Giving Me a Massage". Another class is called, "Get Me A Drink". Another class is called "Recognizing when a university you're attending is fake". I always get a kick out of teaching that last class. I mean these students may try and take higher education once I give them their piece of paper saying "Diploma", so that they won't get swindled. Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, the massage. Well that massage is a real life saver. I'm glad to have it. Unfortunately I had to give a few students "F"s because they're simply not good enough! Take some massage courses before you apply for my university again!

Finding A Topic

Once I've sat down at a computer and began mercilessly typing away, I need a topic to write about. Sometimes you think of an event that has recently happened to you, like your trip to the dentist or a world event like the civic council. Well it isn't so much finding the topic that's the difficult thing, but writing substance that is hard. So often once I find a topic I immerse myself in it. For example, last November I wrote an article about Hungary and how they were telling us a message when the named their country. To write that article I read the encyclopedia article on Hungary. I flew to Hungary even and interviewed certain citizens so that every part would be authentic. Then finally so that I'd know how it felt to be hungry, I didn't eat for a month. During this period I noted my jealousy for the nation of Turkey increased 4%. So researching your topic thoroughly is valuable. I don't want to let the cat out of the bag here (and not just because he'll claw my leg), but for the last month I've been living in a monastery, unable to talk to anyone. I'm not even allowed to write messages to anyone. It's difficult, but I know that if I continue this for another few weeks, I'll have the material I know I need to write my next issue.

Looking Back

At some point during my issue, I may use some reader e-mails. I use a vigorous screening method to determine whether an e-mail I received is worthy to make it to the big time. The first thing I note about any e-mail I receive is whether or not the e-mail is a reply to the Cantaloupe or some other e-mail I sent. This is a highly important process for a number of reasons. First of all, what would someone think if they shared some deeply personal issue with me and I reprinted it without their permission. For example I received this e-mail from a friend recently...
"Hey,Look, I really need prayer right now. You see I've tried to give up smoking for a few months now and I was good for a while, but lately I smoked a pack. I really miss my dad. Mom just hasn't been the same since he died. The stress is getting to me. My brother told me the other day that he was gay, but he swore me to secrecy so don't tell anyone, okay? All this is swirling around me like I was a slurpee being stirred. I don't understand life anymore. Does God really exist? Why would he let all this happen to me? Oh yeah, my girlfriend says she's pregnant which I don't understand because I'm sure I've never slept with her..."
I'm going to cut it off about there. My friend Norman A. is going through some serious things. Now let's say I reprinted that e-mail during a Cantaloupe column. Let's just say I'd have one less friend, especially if I hadn't cut the last part where he tells about how he's been diagnosed with leprosy or how he's attracted to his cousin. So you see, I have to screen my e-mails at least a little bit. Nothing personal like that. As a matter of policy I usually reprint all the material that you provide me with. You see if I find a particular reader unfunny (say one whose name began with J) I can't just not print their mail, because they'll find out. So I just print it. I figure the more things I put in there by other people that aren't funny, the funnier I look by comparison.

The Finishing Touches

Once I've done all the law requires of me in regards to length of material and all, I need to find a way to close the e-mail. In the past, I have always used my name to do this. I like the reader to know that yes, Trevor YVR Plett wrote this rather than say Dan Rather. However I've always wondered if maybe I should do something different to close off my e-mails, like maybe instead of my name, I could put down my pant size or maybe my IQ. But then again, I like sticking with tradition. Some of you may have noticed from previous issues that I don't like using a spell checkers, so a lot of things I write don't make sends. This is a policy I keep so each one of my issues seems raw and unfinished. I know sometimes my lack editing means great ideas get botched or even left out. Like one issue I was going to say. I hate when I don't finish what I was

33 Waist 32 Leg

(Oh Yeah I haven't told you about the caption at the end yet. The caption is the part of the issue I can't ever let you find out how it's made. You see it involves lots of dark magic and cookies. Oh yes, lots of cookies. If you knew how I came up with these fine print tidbits you wouldn't want to look me in the eye. You most certainly wouldn't let your children anywhere near me. And I couldn't have that. I need your children. I mean....I love your children. I wish nothing but the best for your children. And I think I'll keep the story of the fine print to myself for the interest of)