Shyguys On The Roof

The Cantaloupe

The Cantaloupe would like to wish all of your mother's a happy Mother's Day as that happened sometime this last weekend. So you can tell your mom that I said that. In fact I hope most of you tell your moms that.
Reader A- "Trevor Says, 'Happy Mother's Day'.
Mother of Reader A- Really? How Sweet!
Mother of Reader A- Wait...who's Trevor?
Reader A- You don't even know your own children!! My brother and your son Trevor.
That way, your mom will feel guilty and think that she forgot she had a son named Trevor. Then you can comfort her by telling her, "at least you remember your most important child, me". That way, she'll develop a good happy feeling again. Now some of your mother's might be a little skeptical about having a child named Trevor. They may say, "you're just joking" or "I think I know who my children are". In such an event just tell your mother that Trevor is your long lost twin brother that the doctors hid. That way your mother will get really excited that she has another child. And isn't that the greatest gift a mother can have? A child? She'd thank you forever for that. Unless of course, she finds out that she doesn't actually have a child named Trevor which is unlikely...unless...she never meets her son Trevor. Which is likely. But if any of you actually want to go through with this plan, MY name is Trevor. Thus I could pretend to be your mother's long lost son. It'd be fun. The point of Mother's Day is to celebrate your mother and this way I could have two of them. They always say, two heads are better than one and two mothers have two heads. You know what else two mothers have? Two wallets if you know what I mean. Unless of course they're Siamese twins and they only carry one wallet between them.

Your Momma's So Phat

At the moment my house is noisy. Apparantly there's little kids in it or something. Now I don't know what it is about kids, but they such make an unproportional amount of emitted sound for the size of their body. One of the signs of aging it appears is how loud you are. As you get older, you get quieter. Name me one senior citizen that is louder now than they were 20 years ago. Maybe there's something in the process of aging that is like a remote control turning down the volume. OR maybe aging is actually CAUSED by the volume reduction. I think I should provide this commercial for public television.
Some B celebrity comes on TV. Says, "Hello my name is _____. You may remember me from such shows as ______ or _______. Back when I used to be popular, I tried everything to prevent myself from getting older. I went to doctors. I used Oil of Olay. I bathed in molton bronze. Nothing seemed to work. Luckily for me, I came across a secret hidden in a booby trap infested temple. It was the fountain of life. It wasn't a real fountain. It was advice. It told me to scream every 5 minutes or so. And oh yeah, talk really loud. So if you were wondering why I've been practically shouting everything I've said, that's the reason. Now I don't age a second. Which gives me an eternity to spend rehashing the good old days and living in a dumpster. Please send me money to... (Cut to "The More You Know" public service ending)

Discussion of the More Serious Variety

Today I have decided to be serious if I may on the next issue. The world is not always a happy place. There are breakups, death, food poisoning, missing elbows and other various problems facing billions of society members. In fact most people are facing some sort of problem. Many have stress problems. Many have family problems. Many have health problems. Still others have problems with that creepy neighbour who likes to walk around his house without clothes on. These are legitimate problems that I would like to deal with today. That's why I'm here to help?
QUESTION- How can I possibly help everyone? I mean I don't KNOW everyone and it's not like strangers are going to tell me what their problem is anyways. What can I do?
Well "QUESTION", the answer to that is remarkably complex. First of all, you need to diagram the amount of different problems a person can have. You start broad with 4 or 5 categories and then you turn things way more specific. I did this a few days ago and I found over 12 billion different problems that can affect your average person. If you can memorize those 12 billion problems then you can simply figure out by obscure facial expressions which one it is. However if you're like me, you don't have an IQ any higher than about 140. Such people as us cannot possibly fill their brains with so much information. So instead of memorizing these things I had them made into card form. Thus I can hand out cards to people that will make them feel better. For example- "I'm sorry your dad hates you. If it makes you feel any better, he hates me too". The other day I was walking down the street and I saw a guy waiting for the bus. He looked kinda down so I sat down beside him and pulled out my large stack of cards. I asked him this simple question: "Did you recently get into a fight with your wife over wall painting colours?" He said, "No". I was surprised. I had been certain that was it. I asked again, "Did you recently contract an incredibly rare form of toe fungus that until two days ago, was only ever found in poisonous frogs?" He at this point gave me this really weird look. As if he was thinking, "how did he know?" But then he decided to walk away quickly without thanking me. I didn't even give him the card. It had a really cute picture of a frog with a toe fungus.
QUESTION- Now that I've heard the story, what should I do? Make cards? That seems like a difficult task."
QUESTION" you ask way too much. Now you COULD make cards with 12 billion different obstacles, but that's a tad too many for your ordinary person to wheel around. So instead just focus on a few things that you think are important. Perhaps there are two things that you care passionately about stopping. Maybe one is people who are poor and starving. Maybe the other is people who are about to fly a rocket to the moon and haven't learned how to safely land on Earth yet. So you carry two sets of cards around. One contains money for food, the other contains direction about how to land spacecraft. Now you better get good at identifying these things, because they often can get confusing. If you go to Africa and see this kid and you recognize him from World Vision ads, you need to know which of the two problems he suffers from. The correct answer of course is both. He needs food, but he also needs landing lessons. I mean food in the short term is good, but how does he keep getting food? That's right! Landing spacecraft is a good way to earn money for food.

It's Almost Here

I got a few replies to my last query (from the usual suspects), but I'm holding those out until my next issue. Either way, for those of you who have been regular receivers of this column for over a year, you may realize you have gotten a lot of them. In fact one of those (last September) was my 25th issue spectacular. Well I've read back and that may have been the lamest issue I put out. So yeah, we're all of two issues away from my 50th issue. 50 is an important number. So I feel as if it is time to celebrate. It would mean a lot to me if many people replied as they have abilities to. So here's what I'd like you to answer

Name-
Where Are You From-
Age (Optional)-
Pick ONE word that describes both The Cantaloupe and Yourself
Pick TWO words that need to be used more often in Cantaloupe issues

That's all I ask. It won't take long trust me. But then again you could take long to do everything. In which case you're like me when I've been without sleep for days. Anyways, it's time I hung up my skates and cleared out my chimney. Salutations.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Sauerkraut Eat A Lotta Eat A Lotta Eat A Lotta Sauerkraut Oh No No No Not More Sauerkraut Stick Some In Your Mouth And Spit It On The Floor. Run To The Bathroom And Puke Out Some More Silly German Folks Eat Sauerkraut For Breakfast. Has anyone ever told you camp songs rock? Because they do, especially when they're based off real events by people you know. I could of course make up one of those right now and maybe I will. Maybe I will)