In The Interest of My Waistline

The Cantaloupe

So I'm back from a busy weekend in the Caronport, SK. It was a good weekend. One of those events that make you sad when you come home. One of those events that makes you want to wear a seat belt because if you're not for even the shortest period of time you might end up squished and on the floor with somebody else on top of you. Although I suppose that's a positive thing. Either way, such times are prime times for comedy, so there is the potential that I could be on the top of my game. That would be great. I'd always love to be in my prime.

Based On A True Story

The following event happened to me today at around 7:40 p.m. Me and my friend Dan had just turned onto 52nd Street coming back towards my house when we stopped at a red light. It was fairly normal. There was about one car in front of me and two i think behind me. Suddenly I see an SUV pull into the left turn lane with it's flashers on. It's a ghost car. I think, "Maybe I should move over or something". That's when the SUV stopped and I noticed in my rear view mirror more flashing lights. Suddenly the door of the police SUV opens and a cop jumps out. Now he isn't like a normal cop leisurely walking. He's got business. I glance ahead. The light is green. I note at least three cop cars have surrounded the car two cars behind. This is when I drive off.
Now let's backtrack. I think the moment when the cop got out of his vehicle was very scary. I knew I hadn't done anything, but still...the way that cop was walking would scare anyone. Secondly, it was tempting to sit in my car and watch what was going to happen, but the thought came into my head that I didn't wish to get shot. Thirdly, after driving off I realized that if I had been 5 seconds slower driving, I would have been caught behind the ruckus and the police had blocked off all three lanes of traffic.
So what's the moral of this story? Well to get that I need to get back to the basic elements of the story. The first and foremost point in my mind is when you live in North East Calgary, you get what you deserve. Let's look at this logically. If you were innocent you'd most likely be in the South West. If the city really wanted to crack down on crime, they'd round up everyone in my side of town and imprison us. It'd be okay. It'd provide conversations such as the following...
Policeman knocks on door, door answered by old lady
Old Lady- Hello
Policeman- Lady, I sorry, but I have to put you under arrest
Old Lady- But why? What have I done?
Policeman- What have you done?! You know. You're just like the rest of these people. Oh we're all innocent. Only guilty people say they're innocent.
Old Lady- I haven't been able to leave this house for days, because of my chronic hip problem, what could I possibly have done
Policeman- Hip problem, eh? No doubt injured in a gang-related confrontation. Do we need any more evidence?
Second Policeman Who I Haven't Mentioned Until Now- Nope
Policeman grab lady and arrest her.Would that be the end? No...there's more.
Lady is in prison cell with tough looking-tattoo boy
Old Lady- And this picture is of my thirteenth grandson, Willfred.
Convict- Really? Tell me about when you were younger!
Old Lady- When I was a girl we lived on the farm. Those were the good old days.
Convict- I'll bet. Can you take me there when we're out of here in around 10 years.
Old Lady- Sure
Convict and Old Lady hug. It's a touching moment to end a piece of wacked out writings.

Saskatchewan ain't so bad

Well over the weekend me and some cool people were in that province and we had a great time as well. I think I may have mentioned this before. Now the food was okay. I mean the first night they had pizza. That was good, except well I didn't get any. Luckily the next day they had pizza again for lunch so I could have some. And then again for supper, oh yeah and lunch and supper the next day too. Well maybe they knew something I didn't. Maybe the world's pizza supplies have *gasp* COME TO AN END! I mean if there was only a limited amount of pizza left you'd quickly get your hands on it, so others didn't make it first. Maybe they were trying to treat us with the last pizza we would ever have. So I'm sorry folks, but pizza is gone forever.

R.I.P. PIZZA
Sometime-2005
You lived a life to its fullest
Life was tragically taken from you
I think the thing I'll miss most is the toppings
Putting them on ice cream simply isn't the same
You had a zest for sauce
And I never ate a slice of you on top of a steamroller

Dipping Into The Mailbag

Now would be a good time to post some comments from our viewers. The question is:
"If you were being attacked in a dark alley by man in a wheelchair holding a crocodile, what would you defend yourself with?"

"If I were attacked in a dark alley by a man in a wheelchair holding a crocodile, I'd probably defend myself with a woman on a tricycle holding Steve Irwin."-Chris V.
"That's a good questions Sandy. I'd defend myself with a little man I know called Steve Irwin. Nuff said."-Dave H.
"I'd tare the crocidile Hunter guy,(you know the one off of t .v?) our of my pocket. He'd use his mad crocidile conquering skills! You know, throw a mouth closer on it, then a double flatter, and then for the grand finale...... KNOCK IT OUT!!! Drag it to the dumpster, and chuck it in!! MWWAAA HA HA HA!! SWEET VICTORY!!! KATE AND CROCIDILE HUNTER HAVE yet, AGAIN SAVED THE DAY!!!! YES........."-Kate V.K.
So apparantly Steve Irwin is a popular way to fight crocodiles. But you realize that with the power of CGI today, that he's probably never actually fought one. I mean I hear he's incredibly afraid of real crocodiles. I've heard that once a beetle crawled on him and he died of fright. But he's good now. That's the power of CGI. It can make anyone look good.

"If I was attacked by a guy in a wheel chair with an alligator. I would defend myself with guards weasels named feehdey and montunafish. Then I would go on the attack and push the guy out of the chair, only to find that he could walk. Then we would instantly break off into a dance off that would end with him winning. While he celibrated he fantastic victory I would sneak up to him and give him the worsed tity twister possible. Then quickly kick him in the shin and run away."-Gordie H.
I agree. Dance offs should be mandatory in all duels.

"A: my simple answer is this: I whip out both my hands to the sides, baring my claws, (now around a full centimer in length) and rais them in from of me, than I drop to my knees as the crocodile (which was thrown at me) whips just over head as my claws cut from the start of his jaw until i hearch the tip of his tail, as his internal ordans than fall out, i gather them up al9ong with his skin (which i rip off his skeleton) and find my black market dealer upon whom i unload all these prophit making items. Than I find the man in the wheel chair and mail him the skeleton of the croodile one bone at a time, until all the skelton is gone, or than man has a heart attack, from seeing the scary words and drawings i've carved on his recently dead pet's bones. And that's in short what I would do."-Mike W.
Wow. Someone is a little violent. I'm sorry to all of you with little children that you stole from others. Either way, apparantly crocodile skin makes prophets.
Dirty man with beard, only wearing crocodile skin- The end of near! They are coming from the east! Yes, animal activists will destroy me! I see my end.

"Considering the facy this person is in a wheelchair i may hesitate to totally whip his butt. Considering the fact that he would be sitting down. I would stop the fight go rent a wheel chair myself and then we could "wheel" at each other at top speed (kinda like chicken or jousting). Of course he was armed with a crocodile. Even then though it would be a fair fight. (AFTER all i do know some Girl-Kwan-Do)"-Karla K.
I've always wondered why I couldn't master Girl-Kwan-Do. It's because I'm not in a wheelchair. Makes sense now.Either way, for those of you who haven't yet replied for the 50TH issue question, you still have time. Here's what you need to put down...
Name-
Where Are You From-
Age (Optional)-
Pick ONE word that describes both The Cantaloupe and Yourself
Pick TWO words that need to be used more often in Cantaloupe issues

Wow! That's pretty long. And I still conserved some top notch material. Shows doesn't it? Next issue is coming. Shortly! In the next month at least. Be ready for it will blow your minds and you won't know what your life was without it!

Trevor YVR Plett

(Regarding the time I got court marshalled, it was only because I tried to shoot my commanding officer. I mean he certainly deserved it. He told me to stand at attention. Now what would be so bad about saying please? Huh?? Well maybe that shot of warning would teach him a lesson. But the court wouldn't hear any of that. Oh well. I'll teach them algebra.)