CNN- National Bickering

Romania, Bulgaria nice to each other in person, talk smack behind backs

Last Updated Mon, 25 Apr 2005 17:35:37 EDT
Cantaloupe News Network News

LUXEMBOURG - Romania and Bulgaria on Monday signed conditional agreements in Luxembourg to join the European Union in 2007.

INDEPTH: European Union
Soviet Union
Peeling an Onion

When the two Balkan states' are in the same room they have nothing but good things to say about each other. At the press conference announcing this occasion, Romania said this about Bulgaria: "She is our neighbour and our friend. I'm glad to enter such an illustrious club with her". "Romania has many skills," Bulgaria replied, "he's good at carving these sweet wooden swords ."
However, the two countries say very different things when the other is not around, the EU has noticed. "Last night after the announcement Bulgaria and I went out to party," said Portugal, "It was unbelievable how much one country could talk about the other. I'd try and talk about sports or something and she'd just bring it right back to how much she hates Romania! If I didn't know better, I'd say they have some sort of weird crush going on." Similar stories about Romania exist. "I'm not certain who hates the other more, Romania or Bulgaria," noted Russia, "I mean they both dump all this crap on me. I'm not certain I really want to be friends with either of them. Romania just whines to me all the time. 'Bulgaria is so stuck up', 'Bulgaria thinks about nothing but herself', 'Bulgaria annoys me so much'. Get over it! There's more to life than how much you hate Bulgaria!"
There are still a number of issues that need to be addressed before either country can join this elite group of friends. Romania must straighten up and develop some real interests, stop being so weird, and hopefully become better at telling jokes. Romania also has to host the yearly group barbeque and it "better be the best one ever", according to EU demands. Their failure to do so could trigger a one-year delay in their entry.
Bulgaria, meanwhile, is expected to have no problem entering, because she's a good-looking female. However other female countries in the group have been pressing hard to include a "Zero Tolance on Prima Donna" Clause. "Bulgaria is cool, but she can be a selfish and arrogant at times," said Finland, "I think we need to tell her these things before she joins our group of friends".
Both countries have said they would work hard to achieve membership in 2007, but were skeptical on the other's chances. "Romania's like soooo a loser. All he does is play Dungeons and Dragons or something. Like computers are cool and all, but I don't need to know the language, thank you". Romania countered by saying, "I think Bulgaria is going to make a lot of enemies in Europe. She's good-looking, that's for sure, but she thinks she can make other people do everything for her. It's not going to happen".
According to sources, other countries just wish the two could get along. "You're hanging out, having a good time and then one of them walks in and the other gives them this look. The tension in the room triples and instead of everyone having a good time, everyone's wondering if they'll fight or something. I mean everyone knows. Why do they keep pretending to like each other? I mean just talk it out and maybe you'll start liking each other", ranted Austria.
In 2004 the EU welcomed 10 new member states from central, east and southeast Europe, including Poland, the Czech Republic and Cyprus. This addressed the need for a shy member, a skater and a party animal.
On Tuesday, the EU will consider again weigh Croatia's demand to join in 2007. Much hinges on how well Croatia has got over her former boyfriend Serbia & Montenegro. Sources say Croatia has done fantastically in stopping the pouting and is ready to "get back out there", but time will tell.
And in October, the EU is to open entry talks with Turkey, provided Turkey promises to give all members a ride in Turkey's sweet ride, a convertable. "It's a big motivation to letting Turkey join. That is a great car. I think we'll all a little jealous" remarked Italy.
Among the most fervent pro-European countries there are fears that enlarging the EU will cause current members to become unnoticed. These countries say that adding a member such a Turkey just because they have a great car will cause current members like the Czech Republic to go unnoticed.
"The Czech Republic is already so shy," said England, "Turkey is a hot rod nation. Not just the car but also attitude. It screams 'Get it Now!' I don't know whether we need any more of that. We already have Spain. Personally I'd say if we are to add anymore members we need to get somebody who likes to cook. I'm thinking maybe, China. I know they're a little different, but I think it's time we stopped adding members to the EU based on whether they're geographically in Europe. We should include everyone."
When asked about these comments, England backtracked a little, "I didn't mean everyone. If I meant everyone, we'd have to include loser countries like Panama or Estonia in. Who wants that?"
"I'd much rather have Estonia in than Romania that's for darn sure" replied Bulgaria.

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The Cantaloupe

I'm going to keep my "actual" column fairly short this week. I think I'm going to dip into the mailbag from last week, because I can't let my readers down in such a manner can I? Maybe it'd be best if I didn't ask that question. Now without further adieu, I present to you letters actually sent by readers without "any editing". No, I did not "change what is said in any way, shape, or form". Am I telling the truth? Yes, I am. I have not added or subtracted any words.

Max' Sacks Full of Tacks Sacking Jack Black

First of all I asked readers last week to comment on bunnies. Here's the reply I got. Note- it's really strange.

"Do I like bunnies? I LOVEM BUNNIES!!! I do! Who in their right mind would not? When I was younger, my sister had them on my shelf, on top of pictures, under my fridge bed. Are there people out there in that thar world that are afraid of a bunny named Ebby,(short for ebineezer. You know like ebineezer scrooge from christmas?) Well, he was a tempered little wipper snapper such as depicted in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The Bunny was black from head to toe, including his eyes. Well of course I enjoyed chasing him around a creepy and mysterious cave ,(wait, or was it him chasing me...??) Talk about chasing. Now here's the great part of the story. I like the way they squish when I squeeze them with my fingers and the way they feel when I bite them with my real teeth. So soft and sweet! One day, Ebby got SUPER HUGE and REALLY SICK, like he was going to talk about jolly rancher gummy bunnies. Oh, I just thought...you aren't Ok? Then he died. At the time, we lived. Do I like Castor? Of course I like CASTOR-RAIDERS!!!! So we digged a hole, and put poor ebby in and covered him with dirt. I had a shoe box maybe. How can you not like them? I find them they're everywhere! I suppose if there were bunnies in the MASSIVE gardens, then yes, I too would be afraid of the bunny. But I think such bunnies are those that guard jolly rancher gummy bunnies. I love going to heritage ranch and blowing up the bunnies. Especially the one that came this year and left eggs and gummy bunnies all over my house. It's alot of fun. They're so adorable.Bunnies? The bunnies likes bunnies and like the bunnies' bunnies too!"-Kate V + Amanda V + Dave H

And I also got various other comments
"Dear Senior Editor of the Cantaloupe, Your newsletter is by far the best newsletter ever written. It's at the top of my email charts along with Kraft Kitchens Food Tips and the Nintendo Insider. However, I must say that I never once signed up for anything that would have given you permission to add me to the subscription list. However, I do like the newsletter! However, I hope I do not wind up paying for this subscription that I didn't pay for. However, keep up the good work!"-Chris V
Well you see Chris, the inner workings at the Cantaloupe are deep and dark indeed. I cannot tell you how terrible the are, but they are terrible. If people knew the long term effects of receiving the Cantaloupe were, they would never sign up. Unfortunately they don't know these effects. And they never will until they read this entire paragraph. The hidden costs of being a subscriber are astronomical. I have programmed into each edition of the Cantaloupe a very special invisible ray that shoots out of the computer, and removes the colouring from your internal organs. If you were to rip your liver out right now it'd be as white as snow! Then I sell organ colour on the black market. It's surpisingly popular. Nobody that knew that I was doing this to them would agree to subscribe. Even now that they do know, it's not like they subscribed in the first place. I just added them.

On the topic of girls and what they wear:
"on average girls change there cloths about ten times in the morning and then end up wearing exactly what they had intended not to wear! or at least thats me.
Clothes also depend on other factors such as:
"Have i shaved my legs recently?"
"Does this make me look fat?"
"Do I have class with that cute guy?"
"Am i going anywhere after school?"
" Will my parents notice and make me go change?"
" Will my sister notice that i borrowed this?" "-Karla K.
That's strange, because I actually ask myself exactly the same questions when I get up in the morning. Unfortunately I no longer have a sister living at home to steal clothes off. The fat question seems to be asked less often because it's obvious no matter what I wear that I'll still be fat. I do want to know what I'm doing after school as well, because for instance if I'm going to the fat rendering plant I might consider wearing a pair of really snazzy pants. You have to look great, just in case there's a hot fat rendering girl there. My parents are often very helpful when I'm wearing something I shouldn't. Just the other day they noticed I had accidentally put a knife on my foot instead of a sock! That could have been painful! The first question might go like this...
"I didn't lose any bets recently did I? Oh good, I CAN wear shorts!"
As for the cute guy, you see a very important thing to learn is that cute guys attract girls. If you're a raccoon trying to catch a moth to eat, you should hang around the light, because moths are attracted to light. In the same way, if you are friends with the cute guy, you can also get the girl. Thus dress to impress the cute guy. It goes without saying. Or maybe it doesn't. But yeah that's the readers.

And Just So I Don't Get Sued

I lied about not editing that letter. But I didn't lie about not added or subtracting words. Of course, now none of you will send me any responses for fear that I'll destroy what you really wanted to say by completely changing it. In that spirit, here's the question for this week.
"If you were being attacked in a dark alley by man in a wheelchair holding a crocodile, what would you defend yourself with?"

Trevor YVR Plett

(I can't wait until I've offended absolutely every person on earth. That'd be so cool except no it wouldn't. I mean it'd be great to be notorious, but even those people are loved by some. To be universally hated by all would not be a pleasant experience. Not that I'd know because EVERYBODY loves me. Chicks love roosters, geese love ganders, everyone else loves Ned Flanders. See there. Copyright infringement. That's the thing that will offend all the people who've created the shows that I love so dearly. And the books. So and So forth.)