How To Be Popular

The Cantaloupe

Another week, another newsletter. The popularity of the Cantaloupe at an all-time high. The word keeps spreading and more and more people are signed up. Now most of you think these are good things, but the higher you are, the farther you've got to fall. It's scary. I mean I could offend half of you people today and you'd all block me. Then where we I be? Probably at home, that's where! Either way, I welcome you to another issue of mind-altering literature.

A True Story

This last Thursday I had an experience. Me and two other friends randomly decided to visit Drumheller leaving here at like 9:30 pm. To make a long and entertaining story much shorter we after driving around town said, "Let's go drive through downtown." Well in Drumheller, downtown consists of one really short street. But to make things a whole lot cooler we all rolled our windows down and blasted some sort of strange folk music that was on the radio. Either way there was a group of teenagers of the sidewalk and we drove past them and they looked at us funny. Good times. Then we did it again. But that's all just the introduction of what I'm really trying to get at.
On the way home, my friend Lauren came up with an idea that I really like. Instead of trying to make a name for yourself in the city being cool, you should go randomly hang out in little towns until everyone there knows your name. And also they know that you're the coolest person in town. I mean I don't know a lot about small towns, but I know that I'd pretty much be the coolest person if I went to most of them. I'm not certain I can say that in Calgary. Well I figure this should become the newest wave in being cool. You should pick some random town that's small and go hang out there until you're the coolest person. Then you can get all the kids there to walk, talk, dress and act like you. Maybe eventually you can rename the town. Think how much more popular Beiseker would be if it were Trevoreker. And once you stick Beiseker or Trevoreker on the map, all the small towns will want you to come hang out in their towns. You'll get offers from all these little places and you won't know what to do. Except make more demands. For example tell the mayor of Trochu that you won't come and visit his town unless he paints all the buildings in his town bright yellow. Now since city folk rarely visit small towns, I'm sure they'd be more than delighted to do it. And once Trochu is the tourist capital of the world, they'll thank me. If only Bassano were so lucky.

Since I'm doing public service...

Some of you think the above paragraph may be a little bit unrealistic. I don't understand why. You don't think small town folk are that desperate to be noticed? Well, perhaps they are and perhaps they aren't. It's not like I spend enough time with small town folk to care. By the way, I'm now going to be plastered with angry mail from small town residents. Which would be really cool if they literally plastered angry mail to me. Where am I going with this? Oh yeah, since the small town thing is a little sketchy, let's find more ways to become popular.
Popularity is a fickle thing. It can come in an instant and leave just as fast. I think the best way to become cool yourself is to be associated with cool people. The problem with this is that if you yourself are not popular, the popular people won't associate with you. So what you need to do is make your current friends popular! That way you don't have to worry about how to make yourself popular. It's a foolproof plan. And that's how you become popular by association.
(Wait...let's backtrack for a second...now you say you can't figure out how to make your friends popular if you don't how to make yourself popular...really?...why not?...oh yeah, I did leave out that information now didn't I?...How silly of me...Well I certainly won't make that mistake again)

The Update- Yerov Style

It's been a while since we talked with my awesome friend, Yerov the hard-working Russian farmer so I think we should ask him how to be popular. I hear back before his wife went into labour 24 times, she was quite a catch. So that means Yerov must've been pretty popular right? So here we have it. An exclusive interview with Yerov.
The Cantaloupe- Yerov, how's it going?
Yerov- What do you want? I don't have all day.
The C- Always to the point, eh? I wanted to hear about how you got to be popular when I was younger.
Yerov- Popularity, eh? What did that ever get me? You see back before I met Yerovva, I actually attempted to be an actor. Well when I spent every cent I had to get overseas I actually ended up in this place called Hollywood. "This isn't where I paid to go" I said, "I wanted to go to Topeka, Kansas!" Well that's when somebody told me Hollywood had a fairly substantial film industry as well. I had no money left, so I had to try it.
The C- There's actually a film industry in Kansas?
Yerov- You haven't heard of it? They make the greatest movies. Ever seen "Dusty Plains"?
The C- No
Yerov- For shame, either way, these Hollywood people said I didn't look the part. I was too "homely". I had never heard of such a thing. In Russia, nobody can get a part in a movie unless they ARE homely.
The C- Well what happened then?
Yerov- Well the government got involved and accused me of being a Cold War spy. I can see where they were coming from. A Russian comes over looking like I do, during the late 60's and of course they'll think I'm spying. They were only really accusing me of doing that because I was anyways.
The C- You were a spy?
Yerov- I think so. It's tough to remember after all these years of back-breaking labour.
The C- How'd this story end?
Yerov- Well the U.S government just like Hollywood couldn't accept people who weren't "good-looking" so they sent me back to Russia. That's when I met Yerovva, had twenty-seven kids and worked on my farm ever since. And to think, I wanted to be an actor. What life would that have given me? My hair would be smooth and shiny, that ain't the life for me.
The C- So, you weren't really ever popular were you?
Yerov- No, popularity is for little girls.

Question of the Week

Hey, look I actually have a question of the week this week and I'm hoping maybe at some point to have a mailbag within 2005. And here it is. Note-I'm not going to phrase this in the form of a question. Sorry Alex Trebek.
"I want you to tell me the story of a young bucket of ice cream named Vanillerd and his block of cheese friend Chedd as they make their way from cow to store. What do you think might happen to them along the way? You can give a small story or conversation. Whatever."
Oops, I used a question in there.

Having A Ball To Smack Around

I think we've learned today that popularity is not a fish you can catch unless you have some sort of fancy technology. So until you have that, don't try. In other news, I've written a fairly lengthy attachment to this e-mail that may be the most personal one to date. It's 100 Things I Like. If you want to read it good. Also a reminder that I still have books and if you want to buy one, ask me about it. Until next week, have a great today and a great deal of pain.

Trevor YVR Plett

(I, I like my pantalons. They fit me oh so tight. They make me smile with delight. Do you like Five Iron Frenzy singing about the pants? It's kind of silly, but it brings on romance. I'll never forget the day I saw you standing there wearing pants. You were all alone. And I thought to myself, "Man I wish I had those pants." But the problem was: Those weren't my pants! I don't know whose pants they are. But I want 'em. I only know that I want them. So why don't you come over here and rock baby! Oh, hold onto to me tight baby! Oh yeah. And keep wearing them pants. Cuz' I love you.)