Add Bacon for the Taste

The Cantaloupe

To open this e-mail I would like to apologize for my lack of really good April Fool's joke on all of you. I wanted to tell you I'd died or something, but then I realized that would simply be implausible. How could I die? That doesn't even make sense now does it? I've never died before, so why would I now? So of course you wouldn't believe me! I just couldn't think of another good joke. Oh wait, I should have sent you all an attached computer virus! That would have been hilarious, except that my mom gets this e-mail and thus the virus would hit me. And we all know the golden rule. Do unto others unless it's done to yourself. At least it could be that.

More News From The Weekend

The travesty that happens every year happened again. That's right, I'm talking about the clock being set differently. How dare they steal one hour from our weekend?! This has been happening as long as I've been alive and I just can't stand for it anymore! I mean the logical system would be to add 23 hours to the day! Clearly that would give everyone an extra 23 hour sleep. Recently I went out to the public and asked them what the one thing in the world they wanted more than anything else was. 23% of the respondants said they wanted a lot of money, 25% said they wished they could find true love and a whopping 71% said they wished they could get a night's rest for more than 23 hours! Well there you have it. Now until my plan comes into effect there has never been a night lasting for more than around 15-16 hours. My night will last almost 35 hours! Now let's say you don't get to sleep right away, maybe you play video games late into the night. Maybe you're a light sleeper. Well it doesn't matter because you have more than a whole day's worth of sleep ahead of you. Now of course to every plan there are drawbacks and this one is no exception
"I can't sleep for more than 8-10 hours a night"
Most people have been limiting themselves for years. I can't sleep that long! You can if you tell yourselves you can! Certainly if you put yourself through extensive training you can be ready for this night. Practice sleeping. Take a positive attitude. Then in the nights before this night, don't sleep at all! Thus you'll be extra tired and in need of more than 23 hours of sleep. So don't give me this 'I can't sleep that long' garbage, because I will not accept that excuse.
"It won't really be night, because the sun WILL come up"
Now this might be the most difficult of the problems to reconcile. I mean even if you went to the length of stopping the earth from rotating, you still have sun somewhere on the earth. So I say we start developing a really big rocket that we can shoot at the sun and momentarily block the sun's light. Yes, this rocket needs to be really really big. I say we dispose of our garbage this way. Make a really huge ball and shoot it at the sun on this day so that at the proper time it keeps night for exactly 23 hours longer than normal. It could work.
"You're putting more hours in the year"
This can be solved in a highly entertaining system. Well at the start of each year in a secret ceremony you have pieces of paper stuck into envelopes with each day of the year on the envelope. Then every Sunday in a televised conference, a famous celebrity will open the envelopes containing the dates that should happen in the next week. If the envelopes contain a green YES on them, that day will happen. If the day has a red NO then you just skip that day on that particular year. Now this wouldn't affect days of the week. If Tuesday, April 5th were skipped, it would go from Monday the 4th to Tuesday the 6th. If your birthday gets removed, too bad I say. Plans can be changed I always say. Think about how entertaining this could be. If the removed day has yet to happen and it's December you'd be watching frantically hoping that Christmas happens this year. It would put drama into our year. I mean we take all these days for granted. What if there's simply the potential they don't happen? I SERIOUSLY wish this would happen!
Overall I can't imagine why people haven't thought of this before! Because if they had, they certainly would see just as I have that it'd be the greatest idea since I decided to wear a green shirt today.

World War Three Update

The U.S.A is furious about what they call an attempt by the rest of the world to undermine their sense of nationhood. After July 4th was removed from the calender last week, Americans from California to Vermont had to scrap celebrations, parades, fireworks and days off. George W. Bush claimed that someone had clearly tampered with the secret system and demanded that July 4th be added to the calender, possibly as soon as September. "Would anyone in the world really miss September 2?" quipped the President, "we could make it a weekend to remember for Americans in all nations, from Panama to Guatamala." World leaders have taken a number of stances on the issue. Some have taken a stance of "Tough luck". Others are more compassionate, but only a few nations have offered to help in the relief effort. The public in the U.S is understandably outraged and has called for revenge upon all nations who didn't lose their national holiday. Others have called for more peaceful measures. Kansas city firefighter Mark Walmart offered his idea, "I think we need to show the world they can't mess with America. We'll make our own calender and it will be filled with nothing but July 4's. That'll show them who's boss!"

It will happen on the 9th unless the 9th is cancelled

That's right. Books! Lots of books! Some people are coming! Some people are buying books. You should be too! That's Saturday for the date-challenged among you.

Trevor YVR Plett

(People always tell you that April Showers bring May Flowers, but they're wrong! They actually bring May Cowards. It's a little known fact, known only by me and People Magazine. And May Cowards bring June Powers. And then July Glowers.)