Diary Goes Hollywood

The Cantaloupe

It's been a while since I let each of you into my personal life, so it's time I did so. So it's time for a sequel.

DEAR DIARY-You would not believe who I bumped into yesterday! That's right. Tom Cruise! Apparantly there was some sort of environmental benefit or something that he was attending. Maybe he was shooting a movie. By all the yelling and screaming and "How'd you get here" you'd think I had just walked onto the set. If they hadn't wanted me there, you think they'd have had bigger signs saying "No Trespassing" and a fence with razor wire rather than simple barbed. That stuff is easy to get over. But they didn't. Anyway you should have seen the chemistry me and Tom had in acting right off the bat. He seems all angry when he saw me, just like he is when he sees an evil villian. So I played along. This was my chance to show a real Hollywood director that I had what it took to be a star. So I became a villian. My threatening of Tom was some of the best work I had ever done. I don't know what kind of crappy movie this was, because just as I was about to hit my peak I was jumped on by a bunch of guys. What movie has the villian beaten by ordinary security guards? If Tom himself had came after me obviously I'd have let him win. He's the hero! Very disappointing. Either way, I'm now planning on waiting here until I get my movie contract offer. I figure I'll be typecast as a bad guy at first until I get my big break, but that shouldn't take long. I'll be bigger than Pony's!

DEAR DIARY- I woke up today to an interesting sight. My room at home seemed very different. I must have redecorated or something. Apparantly I tore out my carpet. Apparantly I stuck this hard metal bed in there to replace my soft cushy bed. All the walls were cemented over and my door was much bigger and consisted of metal bars. I really don't remember renovating, but it's certainly possible. I was dreaming a lot yesterday about all the movies I was bound to be starring in. First there's The Deathening. It involves five completely different car chases! It won't be high or plot or even quality except for the villian that will steal the show. That's right! Me! I mean I don't know why I'd have changed my house this drastically (perhaps I bought a new place with all my millions of dollars), but why did I let all these big scary looking guys into my house? Now this made me really think. Why were they there? Did I hire security of my own? I asked them about this and one of them gave me a wicked punch to the face. Wow! I suppose keeping me safe has taken very different forms over the years. So overall I spent the whole thinking about the scene between me and Tom.

DEAR DIARY- My parents came and picked me up today. I don't know where they were the last few days, but wherever they were, they sure didn't look happy today. They always said I should do something with my life and now I was going to be an actor. Why the angry looks? Anyway I didn't care. I was thinking about my second movie called It All Ends Yesterday. It was a thriller, but with the most shocking ending. I can't tell you even though you, my diary, are supposed to know everything about me. What if I publish you or something? Or put you out through a weekly newsletter of some sort? Anyways this movie stars Nicholas Cage and Drew Barrymore (I know, sounds weird to me too). Either way I waited all day for the phone to ring. I sat beside it and thought about all the roles I wanted to take. Maybe eventually a romantic comedy with me and Natalie Portman. The phone did ring and it was my boss. He informed me that the company no longer wanted me, but who cares? Why do they need to fire me, don't they know I've gone off to bigger and better things? I went to an entertainment site on the internet and they still don't have my name up. What a joke!!!

DEAR DIARY- I worked for days, but finally I found out Tom Cruise's phone number. The first thing I wanted to know was what he thought I needed to work on. It seems like he's always on. He asked, "who is this?" as if he didn't know! How could you not remember me? I told him about our previous meeting and he was silent for a while. No doubt he was going to ask about when we'll do a movie together. Strangely he asked how I got his number. I told him. He threatened me with calling the cops. I laughed. What a joker! I mean he barely knows me, yet he still has the confidence to be telling jokes. C'mon! What cop in the world would arrest someone simply for phoning up a friend? Tom was playing the disturbed celebrity with a stalker to a tee. I mean it was hilarious. Maybe you'd have had to be there.

DEAR DIARY- Tom's such a joker, I figured maybe he'd get a kick out of what I just did. I phoned up the National Enquirer and told them who Tom Cruise is REALLY going out with. I mean I am going to need some money to take a few acting classes sometime right? I have to take my future job seriously. I can't wait to see Tom's face when he finds out!

DEAR DIARY- The phone rang. It was Tom Cruise! He wanted to know who told the Tabloids that he was dating Hilary Duff. He made a couple phone calls and found out where it all came from. He didn't seem to be laughing nearly as hard as I thought he would. I mean really? Him dating her? It's unthinkable. But that's the genius of it. Well it turns out he wants to give me a car or something so that I don't get near him again. Trying to protect the public eh? I mean he knows we'd blow the audiences mind. But why the car? And why did he just hand the phone off to Hilary Duff? Well maybe I'll need my old job after all.

DEAR DIARY- Well it's been a few months since my celebrity meeting. I no longer wish to be an actor. I now want to be a circus performer. I have no previous experience but how hard can it be? Tom Cruise gave me all this money, because it was my birthday! It told me on the birthday card that I was supposed to be quiet. Well I suppose that won't be hard. Since when has a circus performer talked a lot on stage? For the last couple months I wondered why my story was never published in the National Enquirer. I mean it was all just a big joke. I suppose they only like to report facts eh? What really boggles my mind is how quickly my room changed back. And how did my room undergo such transformation without my back account taking a gigantic hit? I mean I looked at my bank statement and it says something about being "fine", but no renovation. How can they charge me for being "fine"? It is some sort of wierd tax? I need to talk to my MP about this.

Announcements

Guess What? I AM releasing a book. The first copy of the book is in print. It is 102 pages long (that's 51 pages double sided). What is included? The first 35 e-mail newsletters I sent out are included in that (from January to December 2004). All reformatted with a Table of Contents and everything. As for new material I wrote an introduction. BUT what has been added are some old files that have never been released. One thing was a book I was actually going to write (I got about 4 pages in). This came before the Cantaloupe was even conceived. There is an unreleased, uncompleted B-side and more!
Either way, I'm having a little shin dig to mark the release in about 2 weeks time, so check your attachments! The book will cost $9 (Yes I originally said $5, but then I realized my costs). Please order a copy in advance of that date so I can print it. If you can't show up, you can still order a book (Do so in person, by phone or e-mail I don't care), I certainly can mail books as well if you don't live around here. But enough with my reckless capitalism, have a great day!

Trevor YVR Plett

(Look, my life is fairly uninteresting. I mean only about 80% of the above story is factual. I made a few things up. I did renovate my room. I didn't actually dream about all those movies. However Tom Cruise is most certainly good friends at least with Hilary Duff. That's all I'm trying to say)