Did You Really Think That It Was Over?

The Cantaloupe

Over the last couple of months I've been really thinking about one thing. What is this so called winter? Can anyone tell me what it is? I mean supposedly it's something that's supposed to last from November through March or so, but I haven't noticed any differences. I mean in my opinion Fall lasts til around the end of December and then maybe Spring started in January. Well around a month ago was this event called Groundhog Day. They have a groundhog and if it sees it's shadow there is supposed to be 6 more weeks of winter. Well I don't get this superstition. I mean based on the four or so weeks following that date I'm going to assume that the groundhog didn't see his shadow and that's why it's 15ish AGAIN today. But that said, when there wasn't winter before Feb. 2? Perhaps the groundhog no longer exists and thus winter no longer exists. I'm certain of this. No groundhogs means no winter. Or perhaps winter is just going to come at a very different time...say May. And to those of you who think what I just said is a joke, you obviously haven't lived in Calgary. And that's sad.

Where Are They Now?

With all the hype about winter and the like over the last couple years we've heard a lot about it. Things to do in winter like skiing, sledding, shovelling snow etc. Well with winter out of the limelight this year, I figured as an investigative journalist I would do one of those "Where are they now?" columns. So I searched the world far and wide and I finally found winter. Now I'm under contract not to reveal where winter is, but let's just say it has three Q's in the name.
The Cantaloupe- So Winter, why did you choose not to stop at Calgary on your world tour?
Winter- Well, I figured I would concentrate this year on a couple places and build a large fan base there. There's a lot of choice on the season market these days. Summer has a strong commercial hold on many markets around the world while Spring and Fall have expanded greatly. I figured that before I try and muscle those seasons out of their markets, I'd concentrate on one place. I'm still thinking about my Western Canada audience, but unfortunately it's simply not financially feasable at the moment.
The C- I see. Now you and the critics seem to never have gotten along. People say you're too "cold", "harsh" or even "unbearable". What do you say to these critics?
Winter- To tell you the truth, I don't care what they say. What other season can completely change the look of a landscape? Autumn? Bah, all it does is alter the trees. So does spring. My work is full scale. During the other three seasons you can do all the same things. I bring something different. I've always had a chip on my shoulder and I'm out to prove the critics wrong. Maybe by dumping 18 feet of snow on their hometown.
The C- Traditionally you've only really had a following in Northern countries, high altitudes and Artarctica. Have you ever thought of changing your style to fit different audiences?
Winter- People always tell me that snow would be a whole lot palatable to warmer climates if I wasn't so darned cold. Or maybe if snow tasted like candy. But I can't change who I am. Maybe if I just became a clone of summer everyone would love me, but that would be selling out.
The C- You've appeared in a whole lot of movies over a long period of time, recently in films like Elf or The Phantom of the Opera. But these roles have never been starring. Have you ever thought of maybe being the lead.
Winter- You forget I was the villian in The Day After Tomorrow. But no, I choose not to take such starring roles. You see, who I am is a small scale season. I can't change that.
The C- Any closing comments?
Winter- C'mon people. Why don't you like me? You like fluffy. I bring fluffy snow. I'm even the season of Christmas. Just because I'm maniacal, angry and merciless shouldn't make me less likable! Next year, I'm going to smite the world with endless snow drifts and maybe I'll change to be more likeable and blow some fluffy sheep in with me.

The Beginning Of The World As We Know It

As of late I've been thinking of starting a club at my school. I'm going to put up signs and everything. It shall be fun. What club is this you ask? The "Absence Club". It's a club for people who fail to show up for anything. You assign a room to meet in and then I as president will set a good example and not show up. I suppose this club will be a rampant success because everyone in the world could be considered a member!

Regarding Maurice

Looking at my high school yearbook you see some tragic things. People have terrible grad quotes. It's a crime that should not be repeated. Take for instance this quote that was said by at least 3 different people, "Aim for the moon, because even if you miss, you'll land amongst the stars". Well I talked to some very prominent scientists and they assured me that most stars are actually a large distance from the moon. So just to clarify those of you with big goals. You will most likely hit a star, but it may take a few billion years. Anyone got patience? But that said, with modern technology, you should quite easily be able to hit the moon. Now I went to a moonologist for his opinion. He said the moon isn't nearly as cool as the Earth. It has no water, plants, animals and the scenery is simply blah. You wouldn't want to go there. So I tell you, aim low because the lower you get the better. Can anyone say fertile valley?? I knew you could.
Speaking of what I just did I present to you the Cantaloupe's guide to the English language. First of all-MISPRONOUNCE EVERYTHING. It'll annoy other people and will be funny in the process. Secondly, take everything literally. It'll annoy everyone....wait, can I just say that annoying people is great unless they're bigger or angrier than you.

Trevor YVR Plett

(The Cantaloupe has been brought to you today by the power of the number 18 and the force of the opposite of radish. Only the pretend hamburger can suppress what's inside of your stomach.)