The More A's, The Better

The Canataloupe

Ahhh...another week...another chinook...another time of writing you all an issue of the Canataloupe. Why the extra "A" you may ask. Well that extra A stands for AWESOME! As in "This issue is going to be awesome". Now we do not yet know the awesomeness of this issue, but we do know that Canataloupe almost sounds like Canadaloupe and that's my home and native land. And even though I didn't think about that prior to writing it, I will now claim that I meant to type that spelling mistake because I was being patriotic.

Classes help you see better

One thing I have found extremely fun over the last week or so is this little competition I have been holding. You see if you are in school, there are many ways to make them fun. The way I've been doing it is almost like a boxing match. It's called "Mealey vs. the Clock". Now Prof. Mealey isn't necessarily a bad teacher. In fact he's a good teacher. However one thing I've been noticing so far this semester is he is yet to ever cover the material he's supposed to get done in the class. Well knowing this I have turned it into a competition. Can he actually pull it out just once this year and beat the clock? For example yesterday he was teaching on the Nicene Council of 325 A.D. Mealey started slow in the match and the clock pulled ahead (Mealey walked in 5 minutes late for class), but he was this close to being done with about 15 minutes in the class. I told another guy in class that if he finished the council material he would win. But at the last minute he started a discussion and it veered off and he got KO'ed by the clock again. It was the closest he had come to winning all year. Either way, this makes the class very entertaining, because of the upset potential. Sure, the clock is a solid 8-0 so far, but all it takes is one speed lecture for that undeafeted record to become one loss. It's too early in the season to talk about a perfect record, but who knows?
Either way, you too can make classes entertaining. Find something unique about your teacher. Maybe your teacher says a certain word a lot. Take a tally on how many times that word is used per class. Then make a prediction whether he will use it more or less the next class. Get other people involved. If there is competition people will be more interested. Remember small wagers (i.e. candy) always make things more fun. If you use creativity you can have many different competitions. If someone is late, predict when they will come into class.

And now the more practical segment

Everyone's favourite day of the year comes next week. Yes, that's right February 16th! Actually I think nobody in their right minds actually thinks any day next week is their favourite day of the year (unless their birthday is next week). Any way Valentine's Day is one of my favourite ultra-commercialized holidays of the year. Now really it isn't a holiday, because we still all go to work and school, but that's not the point. The point is people want to know what to get their significant others. Now there doesn't seem like a lot of gifts you can get people. I mean there's chocolates and there's flowers (Ed. note- In case you haven't guessed I'm talking about gifts for girls). But after that, what can you give? Well to understand other possible gift ideas you must understand first what makes chocolate and flowers good gifts. Well first we must break down the qualities of chocolate. They're small, brown and good-tasting. Now I don't claim to know the female mind, but I think they like chocolates mostly because they are brown. So if they like gifts that are brown, you could give her some brown cordoroys or maybe a bag of potatoes or even a burlap sack!!! A BURLAP SACK FULL OF POTATOES!!! Yes! It's a brilliant plan. No girl can resist that. However maybe a better plan can be made if we understand why girls like flowers. Flowers are often bright-coloured, good-smelling, unique and they grow in the ground. Well again I don't claim to know girls, but I believe they like flowers, because they grow in the ground. Now let's look at my previous plan. Potatoes? They grow in the ground! See, the system works. So you can either give that special girl chocolates or flowers, or maybe chocolate-covered flowers or flower-covered chocolates, but what she'd really enjoy is a burlap sack full of potatoes!
Now I realize there are female readers too and I didn't particularily help them out too much. Well guys are easy. You know what they want. Oh you know...very well...
*hint hint* *wink wink* *nudge nudge*.
Oh you still haven't guessed? It's easy. They like everything.
FINE! You want more don't you. Well as a guy, I feel much more qualified to tell you what guys like. Guys like sports, cars and women. Now if you are the guys girlfriend you have already fulfilled the third one so let's just disregard that for now. Why do guys like sports? Is it the violence? Is it the competition? Is it the cool footwear? I'd say C. Now why do guys like cars? Is it the speed? The power? The excitement? The fact that they weigh like a ton? Well I considered speed for a while, but the weight part makes sense. So I think for that special guy, you can get him a pair of concrete block boots. But you should have known that already now shouldn't you? Let's call it women's intuition. Either that or you could get him food. Guys like food. But not as much as concrete block boots.

The offer of a lifetime

Scratch all that I said above because I've thought of the perfect gift. Unfortunately it will not be available before Valentine's Day. But it will be the tip-top of items to purchase. Remember when I told you all that if you wanted back issues I would send them to you? Well I lied a bit, didn't I? But then again I am still telling you truth. If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm going to release "The Cantaloupe: Seedless Goodness. The First 35 Issues and More..." Well I will release it if the demand is there. Why now? Because I'm greedy for money. Yes, that's right. I've sold out. To the dark side. Mwa ha ha ha ha. Either way, if you're interested in getting rid of an annoying 5 dollar bill from your wallet and want to replace it with a wad of paper that most certainly will not fit in your wallet you can e-mail me. Please make the subject line "Dear Greedy McGee" or you don't have to. For those I don't see in person, I can certainly use the postal service. Buy them to give to friends or keep them for yourselves. But I understand if you would rather save your money for those concrete block boots that I hear are coming in style as I speak.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Do you think I have the right to ask for loyalties in those boots? I mean I did suggest you buy them in this column. I mean that's free advertisement. Maybe I can just get myself a pair of those boots for free. Maybe even a discount. Please. Pretty Please. Pretty Please with Radishes on top? You don't like radishes? What kind of person doesn't like radishes? That's just weird.)