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The Cantaloupe

As many of you kids know, I live at home. Well my parents left home and ran away. If you see them tell them that I didn't mean the things I said and they're welcome to come live with me again. But yeah, I'm an orphan now. Living all alone. For another few weeks at least. This whole cooking every day thing is a little new, but it's not a wacky as trying to dress myself. Now that's difficult! For example, today I picked up a certain garment and wondered why it has four holes in it. I knew there was such a thing as "pants" and such a thing a "shirt", but I only have two arms and I only have two legs! Maybe this article of clothing was for some sort of four armed mutant. But lo and behold there was many more four holed garments! "Maybe I can figure out how to use this thing if I find some instructions on there", I thought. Well it told me. "Machine wash cold. Tumble dry medium. Do not iron decoration". So I did it. I put it in the washing machine and then the drier and never once did I iron it. However it still was not on my back or legs. Anyway I was lost and confused so I went outside and tried to flag a car down. I figured if they stopped one of those people could tell me what this contraption was and how to put it on. One thing I never realized is how rude drivers are in this city. Nobody would stop and help a guy in need. Maybe if I observed other people wearing similar articles of clothing I could figure it out. A girl walked by and she appeared to be wearing the four-holed thing on her upper torso. Well that and I strange expression. As for the item two holes contained her arms, one hole contained her head and the other seemed to contain her lower body. As for the expression it may have been joy, but it also could have been shock or disgust. Who knows? Well finally I knew what this thing was for. I struggled and finally fit this item on myself. Then I looked at the clock. Midnight. Well time to go to bed. I never thought clothes could be so difficult. Tomorrow I try and figure out what to do with really small tight things that look like shorts are for.

Misdirection is the finest form of flattery

On Sunday millions of people are going to watch the Super Bowl. Apparantly this is some kind of football event. Now why is it called the Super Bowl? Now by the name I would naturally assume it's the championship of bowling, but that is not the case. By the same logic the baseball championship should be the Super Curl. But whatever, enough with the logistics and on to the game. The Patriots are playing the Eagles. Many of you did not know this, because you don't follow football. Those of you may want to skip the next section, because I am going to give one heck of a guess at which team will win. And it shall be clogged with so many hard to understand football terms that you may get sick and cough a lot. So here goes nothing

The Cantaloupe's Definitive Game Analysis

A lot of people say the key to the game is Terrell Owens playing or Corey Dillon's running, but I beg to differ. To understand who will win you first must understand the teams. The Patriots are a bunch of guys who fought against Great Britain back in the 1700's. They love their country (America) and preach freedom, truth and justice. The Eagles as you may have guessed are a bunch of really big birds. Now the Patriots certainly have the advantage intellectually and they know how to operate firearms. Their guns will bring a swift end to any bird that even comes near to them. The Eagles may be faster and may have deadly talons, but they'll need a miracle to even get close to the well-armed Patriots. So Patriots by 10 sound about right for a score?
No. It doesn't.And I'll tell you why.
While Patriots may have guns, they have a weakness. They are sentimental. There are a few American icons they will honor at all costs. One is the flag. Another is the Pledge of Allegiance. Another is the magestic eagle, a symbol of freedom and power. No true patriot would ever harm an eagle. However, an eagle has every right to attack a patriot. So while the men try and shoo the eagles away the birds will claw away until the have defeated their enemies. Eagles by 3.
Now some of you might question this method of predicting a game. Well would you have taken a Steeler (a guy who works with iron) against a man with a gun (Patriot)? No. Would you take a smaller Falcon against an Eagle? No. Those were the last two games in football. Always pick the team with the tougher nickname I always say. Go Cowering Sissies!

Heavy Sack Beatings are up 900 %

Consumerism is the primary staple of today's culture. People everywhere buy, buy, buy until they can buy no more. Advertising blankets us wherever we go. Kids today are told what to wear, drink, watch, listen to, think etc. Well I figured I'd do society a favor and write a letter to a major corperation.
"Dear Company
I Noticed you think we are all walking bags of cash. Well we're not. Any biologist could tell you that. Someday us lower folk are going to revolt against you. Today is not that day and I doubt tomorrow, but Monday? It might be the day. And on that day, instead of swimming in a pool full of dollar bills it will only be wading through the pool. Doesn't that scare you? So yeah, you need to stop selling us stuff, before my mom comes back and yells at you!
Sincerely,Me"
So I walked into the mall yesterday and taped the letter to the store map. I assume from there, all the major corperations will be able to read it. And won't they be shaking in their boots? What kind of boots? I assume they are wearing dorky snow boots. Why would they wear dorky snow boots when the headquarters is most likely in a warm climate? Because they are dorky, that's why. Remember, stop spending all your money on making the man rich. We must stand up to the man. Because someday I hope to charge for this column and it'll be pricey. And if anybody should rip you off, why not me?

Trevor YVR Plett

(By the way, when you're thirsty and in need of something to quench your thirst, don't look past the medicine cabinet. There's good stuff in there. Surely a pre-emptive medicine strike will destroy both viruses and your thirst. Pepto-Bismal for life)