The Shaggiest Year-2004

The Cantaloupe

The first ever Cantaloupe issue was during the first week of January this year. 2004 shall be known as the "Year of the Cantaloupe". It was a good year. Now in the interest of copying cliched things, I will do MY year-in-review. Of course my year-in-review is more fun. If you haven't heard of the llama revolt in Chile, well then go to another site, because I will talk no more about any fuzzy llama. However I WILL talk about shaggy goats! Speaking of New Years, I've always wanted to celebrate right beside a time zone line. That way I could celebreat New Years, then go back in time and celebrate it again. You could tell someone, "The last time I did this was in 2005" and they'd say, "but it's still 2004" and you'd say "exactly". It'd be so cool.

My most desired occupation (isn't there a few of them?)

I've always wanted to be a magician (or an illusionist as some might say). I was discussing this the other day with some guys and the idea came up that a magician should never have to give you a business card. They would just tell you to look in your wallet. And *presto* a business card would be there. Well how else could you use your powers to amaze? Well if you were at a store and you had to pay, they would tell you how much you had to pay them (e.g. $24). Then you would tell them, "I think you'll find $24 in you front shirt pocket". And the money would be there! He could make anything disappear if he needed to. He could play great practical jokes on people. Look now you don't have a car! Oops I just made your tiolet disappear! No couch for you! And so on. A person like that could even have stopped the fuzzy llama revolt in Chile now couldn't they? And we all know how that turned out now didn't we? Poor llama farmers. Oops I wasn't supposed to mention such things. I was SUPPOSED to mention shaggy goats!

Enough new material. Let's relax and summarize

Well since this is the end of the year and I can put out a year summary let's do that here. And I know I wouldn't talk about it, but this year's big news had to be the fuzzy llamas. So the year that was in the loverly country of Chile. Mmmmmm...chili....

January
Chile was basking in the summer glow (In the southern hemisphere, summer is during our winter). Well summer is always a time for outdoor fun. So llama riding at sunset was a very popular activity. For dates, for competition, the uses of a sunset llama ride were endless. And how much more comfortable it is when the llama is fuzzy. Everyone was happy.

February
An ad for the Summer Olympics was on the TV in Santiago. This occured during the daily sunset llama rides. Well one event that was featured was the pole vault. The llamas thought to themselves, "Couldn't we do that? It looks like a lot of fun".

March
The llamas went behind the barn at night and began to practice the pole vault. They practiced day and night except only at night when they couldn't be seen. In a related news story, heartbreak hit the Chilean pole vault team when all their equipment was stolen. Because Chile was not a rich country they could no longer train and thus decided to form a Bridge team instead.

April
The South American Olympic trials were to be held in May in Brazil and it would be a long trip by llama. Yes, the llamas would ride other llamas to get there. So the llamas had to get started. They waited until nighttime, then snuck off in the night. The next day, farmer Eduardo Perez noticed his farm was remarkably llama-free. That's when he noticed some tracks. They looked a lot like leopard tracks except for one thing, they actually just looked like llama tracks. He was about to hitch up the llama and follow the tracks when he realized that to hitch a llama he would actually have to HAVE a llama. So he hitched up the next best thing they have in Chile, he hitched himself up a sheep. While the llamas got to Brazil safely, Eduardo had more difficulty

May
Eduardo was taking a long time. Perhaps it was the rough terrian, perhaps it was the fact that the sheep could not hold up under his weight anymore. Either way, he wasn't moving very fast. As for the llamas they easily beat the Olympic qualifying height. However there was a complication. There was no provision for llamas making the Olympics. Would they be allowed in? The representatives would check and render a verdict in June.

June
The llamas made their long trip back to Chile. Along the way, they met a man whose sheep had since been eaten to keep him alive. This man was not happy. However when he found out that the llamas had in fact been allowed to be in the Olympics by the IOC, he was surprisingly pleased. The way he figured it, if the llamas won gold medals he could sell gold medal winning llama meat on eBay.

July
Olympics preparations became intense. The llamas trained day and night except that during the day their training involved doing all the work that llamas usually do including llama rides. So yeah, still the secretive night training. The llamas also started their trek to Athens. It was only once they got to Rio De Janero that they realized that they couldn't walk all the way to Athens. Yes, they would have to swim. Now your normal llama would be unable to swim across the Atlantic ocean, but these were certainly no normal llamas; they were FUZZY llamas.

August
Well after numerous shark attacks tested the llamas courage and strength they made it to Athens. Oh yes, except for one llama. He didn't. He instead went to Australia. Sorry, but that was LAST Olympics. Cheered on by their wonderfully kind and not interested in moneymaking ventures of any sort owner Eduardo, they won the gold medal. How 36 llamas can all win gold in an individual event is beyond me, but hey, you didn't think llamas could compete in the Olympics before now did you?

September
Back in Chile, the llamas were greeted as heroes. I mean how many gold medals does Chile usually win? Not 36, that's for sure. They were party animals. They toured everywhere. Instead of sunset rides, they would have people on them and have sunset pole vaults. They were highly popular with the she-llamas. I mean who can resist a sexy fuzzy beast of a llama? However their owner Eduardo Perez still wanted to make meat of them and sell it on eBay.

October
One night when Eduardo was making plans with his rancher neighbour (who by the way raised javelin throwing pelicans), a llama overheard his plans. They marched on parliament and demanded llama rights. The president, Ricardo Lagos was uncertain of what he should do. The llamas had immense popularity with the common people, but it was the farmers who brought in a lot of money. So eventually he decided to side with the farmers. The llamas were their property and they could only do as they were told.

November
This did not sit well with the llamas. Over the next couple weeks they sided with the Chilean manufacturers of velvet pajamas. These pajama-makers had been likewise hurt by a presidential decree. They raised the prices on imports of the velvet plant (the one that makes velvet) from Venezuela. The day that the llamas were to be assassinated, they made their move. They marched upon the capital, Santiago and quickly grabbed control of the parliament. The president was forced to flee. Once in power, the llamas gave themselves many new rights and lowered velvet plant prices. They also got themselves some sweet velvet pajamas for free. They banished all farmers from their country. Then they realized this doesn't work so they decided to become farmers themselves. And the banished farmers were forced to give sunset rides. And occasionally to do pole vault with a llama or two on their back

December
Fuzzy Day was established as a new national holiday to be celebrated each November 19 as the day when the llama's got their independence. The name change to Llamaland from Chile was shot down. Llamas were named the country official bird for some apparant reason (I guess llamas can be less than smart at some times). And that's the way it remains in Chile to this day.

Well that's the year in review, although I'm still disappointed I couldn't mention shaggy goats a little bit more.

2004 is no more

As for me, the next time you read anything that I've written it will be 2005. That's quite scary considering 1999 doesn't seem all that long ago, but if I were to say 6 years ago I'd be "that's a loooonnnnng time ago". Whatever, I'm so old. I hope very soon in the new year to have a website (Jonny!!!!), and in the meantime I will attach a slightly less humurous look back at the year that was in regards to entertainment and my opinions upon it. Read the attachment for details.

Question of the Year

Where were you when the fuzzy llamas won the gold medal and what were you doing?For example, when the llamas won the gold medal I was at my friend's house. We were playing a friendly game of chicken with bows and arrows (we'd shoot arrows directly beside each other's heads and if you flinched you lose). Well we had the Olympics on and we decided to stop and watch the llamas. Well the look on the llamas faces when they won made my year. All the hard work they put in and the tears in their eyes. That's when you knew there was a God.What's your story?
Anyways, I think that I will actually end this newsletter now. I was going to about a paragraph up, but then I thought of putting a question in. Well now is the time. Farewell and have a good year.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Look if it's trouble you want, you came to the right place. We just got a shipment of it in yesterday. I've give you a lot of trouble for just $43.59. If you find a better price than that somewhere else, tell me and I'll give you even more trouble. And remember our sale tomorrow where you can get a package deal: A punch in the face and a kick to your shins for only $21.40)