Your Left Ankle Is Treacherous

The Cantaloupe

Happy New Year to everyone. It is now 2005. Isn't that cool? Well I'm not so certain of that. In fact, it's really not that different. However at the beginning of each new year, people like to make resolutions. Some people resolve to lose weight, others resolve to break an annoying habits and yet others resolve to stop making resolutions. So what did I resolve to do? Well actually to tell you the truth, I personally decided not to make any resolutions. However we at the Cantaloupe figured we could help those of you who have not yet made your resolutions think of one before July.

I Resolve to Solve the Case of the Reused Solvent

For those of you who wish to lose weight, how about a different solution? Instead of trying to lose fat, you should resolve to move all your body fat to your neck. You could be incredibly in shape except for your giant neck! First of all, you wouldn't need a pillow at night. Your neck fat would suffice. You could put on a shirt and then drape your fat over it. Actually on second thought that's a horrible mental picture and I apologize for subjecting you to it. Please accept this apology and the promise that if I'm ever a billionaire I will personally give each of you a quarter.
For those of you who are trying to break annoying habits, I have a plan for that too. Get a really fat neck and then the annoying habits will be the least of your problems! No wait, don't do that. I have a better plan. Let's say for example that your habit is that every once in a while you throw whatever object is randomly near you into the wall (or if there is no wall, just at the ground). Well in this case every time you throw a stapler at the wall or a computer at the ground, you should release a rabid wolverine in your general vacinity. Perhaps eventually you will become friends with the rabid wolverine and you two can do everything together. You can go see the opera. You can devour live prey. You can scratch anything in your path to bits. Basically what I'm saying is that instead of trying to get rid of habits, you should have a cooler resolution like befriending a vicious animal that more likely than being your friend will claw you like there's no tomorrow. Correction, there will be a tomorrow and you will be clawed on that day too. Well unless you keep your resolution. That said...
For those of you who resolved not to make resolutions, here's a better plan. You should resolve to not keep your resolutions. Yep, that would work.
The Cantaloupe's Stupidest Reader- Hey! I should do that!
The Cantaloupe's Slightly More Intellegent Reader- You realize that to keep that resolution you would have to break it right!
TCSR- Yeah, but how hard could that be. I can keep resolutions!
TCSMIR- Uhhhh....but you can't keep it if you have to break it to keep it.
TCSR- You're just not trying hard enough. Look I've drawn this cool banner that will remind me to break my New Year's Resolutions.
TCSMIR- I don't think you've been hearing me
TCSR- Look! I drew a cute little bunny rabbit. And I've named him Fluffy. Hi Fluffy! Say hi to fluffy.
TCSMIR- I think I'm going to go drown a fish
TCSR- Ooh! Ooh! Can I come? I've always wanted to go that!
TCSMIR- *walks out of the room*

Treacherous is such an awesome word

As I look into my crystal ball I have come up with some predictions for this year. The first thing I thought as I looked into my crystal ball was that crystal was expensive. Then I thought "hey, that's a lot of crystal". Then I realized that you don't make any money looking into other people's futures. Then I saw that in the future I would sell a crystal ball of great value. And I did. It was very lucrative.
Anyways other than that, I have no idea what will happen. I'm not a future knower person. However it would be cool if something completely unpredictable happened. Like as a practical joke, the people of Senegal and Cameroon switched countries. Suddenly everyone in Senegal would be from Cameroon and vice versa. I'd NEVER expect that. All our globes would need to be updated! That would wreak havoc on a lot of people's plans. Like for example you had a plane ticket to go to Cameroon. Which country would you be going to, the new or old Cameroon? And now what would be even crazier is if neither country said anything. You'd go to the country you call Cameroon and you'd think you be talking to a Cameroonian, but you'd be wrong! It would actually be a guy from Senegal! Now wouldn't that suck!
Oh wait, I do have a prediction. I will release at least one Cantaloupe issue this year. It's an easy prediction because if you're reading this right now then the prediction has clearly came true. Can I predict more? Sure I can. In fact if I put out 35 last year I can certainly put out another 35 this year at least I would think. I predict 2005 will blow 2004 out of the water. How's that for a prediction? I predict I will do something that will shock you the Cantaloupe's readership. Yep, I most certainly will. But I can't tell you what because you wouldn't be shocked.
Either way, this has been fun. Let's do it again. In about a week or so maybe. Oh and how come not many of you called the Cantaloupe up and wished it a Happy Birthday yesterday? What, you don't love it like a brother? Well actually I don't care. I can handle it. I mean I can handle a lot of things. But to hear more about how I single-handedly fought off an array of evil mutton chops, you'll have to read your e-mail next week. And that is a great story.

Trevor YVR Plett

(This caption under the name of the author has a New Year's Resolution. It will be smaller and harder to read [at least for today's issue]. You will have to squint much harder to tell what this is saying right now. In fact you might wish to consider reading glasses in the near future or else your retina may pop out of the side of your head. The opposite of which would involve your retina popping back into your head. Now that's nonsensicaltasticness!)