The Continuing Adventures of Yerov the Hard-Working Russian Farmer

The Continuing Adventures of Yerov the Hard-Working Russian Farmer and Friends

When we last ran into Yerov the hard-working Russian Farmer, he lost his elephant on the account of it squishing some clumsy youngsters. Well that and his misunderstood childhood friend (Hurricane Ivan) finally died (take that, newspapers!). Well Yerov being the amazing father he was, wanted to get a pet for his kids. Since he was no longer allowed to get an elephant, he bought his kids a sloth. Not just any sloth, A THREE TOED SLOTH! And not just any kind of three toed sloth, a PIE BAKING THREE TOED SLOTH! Yes, that's right! This three toed sloth can bake pies. You might ask how it bakes pies and I will certainly tell you....very slowly. It bakes pies very slowly. It takes oh...about three days to make a pie with this sloth.
Well anyways, all of Yerov's twenty-seven kids were overjoyed to have a new pet that the law couldn't take away from them. They were also overjoyed to eat a delicious apple pie! Of course each of the twenty-seven kids only gets a sliver of pie to eat, but with the meager supplies they have...well they cherish each morsel of pie they eat.I almost forgot to tell you; the kids named their pie-baking three toed sloth Shenklikov the Arbitrary. Why? Because it was the first thing they thought of. Shenklikov the Arbitrary played tag with the kids. It was a great self-confidence booster for the kids. Even the ones with no legs could get away. A game of fetch would entertain the kids far longer than normal since it takes a sloth a few hours to get the stick.
Now when you have twenty-seven kids, they differ a lot in age. Well Yerov's eldest daughter is seventeen and well she met this boy. Now this boy is not the kind of guy who momsy and dad would approve of. He's got a bad haircut, he's 21, he wears clean clothes and worst of all, he wants to become an accountant. Well Yerov being the perceptive farmer, found out about this. He couldn't let his daughter marry someone who'd be well off and not a peasant living off the land, breeding till the cows came home. So Yerov had an idea. He found the boy and told him that he could in fact go out with his daughter. The boy was very excited. So he went out and planned the best date he could think of. Very romantic in fact. However, he left out one very important factor. Never ever mess with the Russians. Was he Russian? Yes. But either way, I'd still not wish to mess with the Russians.
On a Thursday night he came to pick up Yerov's daughter. Now Yerov being the tricky Russian had his wife prepping things with his daughter to distract her. So when the boy rang the door bell there was no answer. He rang it again. Still no answer. Finally on the third ring the door came open, but there was nobody there. He figured someone must be letting him in, so he went inside. He had never seen such a run-down house. Most of the houses he had been in had less than twenty-seven kids living in this. His family only had six kids. His parents actually remembered all their kids names. But anyway, that's a tangent. He looked around for a minute, when he saw something furry moving in the corner. As he moved in for a closer look, he saw that it was in fact, a sloth! The boy paused. He knew a great deal about sloths. In fact he had just recently been hired and was being trained as an accountant for a sloth firm. Because of this he knew the sloth posed no danger as far as running after him, because sloths are slower than pretty much anything. However sloths are also notorious for being able to toss large boxes full of puppies. Just as the boy was thinking this, something hit him in the head hard enough to knock him to the ground. It was a box full of puppies.
Then his heart sank. It was her. The girl he loved and she was staring right at him with a nasty glare.
"Why would you hurt these cute little puppies", she demanded to know.
"But....but.....it was the sloth"
"Why would he do that?"
"It was your father, he put the sloth up to it"
"But Shenklikov the Arbitrary is arbitrary. By definiton he can't plan things out like that. In fact he does things only by pure chance without any reason whatsoever."
The boy couldn't think of anything to say.
"I did love you," the girl said, "but I just can't love someone who would allow a sloth he didn't know was going to toss a box full of puppies at him toss a box full of puppies at him. I'm sorry, but we just can't see each other anymore. Mainly because being hit by that box of puppies seems to have made you blind."
So Yerov's daughter led the boy out of the house and gave him instructions on how to get home. Yerov met up with him along the way and put a barbed wire fence in his way. The moral of the story is don't mess with Russians.
Well how to conclude this story. Shenklikov the Arbitrary baked a pumpkin pie to celebrate. The puppies healed enough to pull Yerov's plow (he can't afford oxen). Yerov's daughter found herself a wonderful poor boy. Yerov knew this boy was to his liking when he showed up at the first date wearing a paper bag. "Now this is a boy I can see my daughter having over twenty kids with," he thought to himself. Everyone lived happily ever after. Okay that's not true. The blind boy certainly wasn't happy. And neither was the boy who wanted to be a teacher who wished to date Yerov's second daughter. He got hit in the head with a jar filled with daisies tossed by the sloth and he lost he sense of smell.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Yerov the hard-working Russian farmer is under exclusive contract to myself. Only I may talk about his sloth. Only I may make references to his daughters. Only I may say that he has twenty-seven kids. Only I may tell you that Ikea is a cool Swedish store with funny furniture. Yep that's right. I got the power. I AM the Four Square World Champion. Don't you dare mess with me, because I might just have a sloth of my own up my sleeve. Yes, that's right, the bulge in my sleeve is a sloth. I'm not good at hiding large mammals, give me a break!)