Jingle the Cantaloupe Tree

The Cantaloupe

Well I'm back and it's that time of year. Not that I've ever put out Cantaloupes around Christmas, but yeah. School has winded down and is over. I'm freer than ever to write until my fingers are brittle and bruised. However I'd just like to remind you all that it's 8 days until Christmas. Well for some it's more but I don't care about them. Who actually celebrates Christmas ON Christmas day? Well today I present an issue dedicated to the holiday of Christmas.

Shopporamadrama

A lot of you have to buy presents for someone, maybe your mom or dad, possibly that brother you hate. Possibly the brother that you don't know you have until tomorrow. Maybe your murderous life-sentenced aunt. Well I've got a gift-buying guide for everyone on your life.

Dear Cantaloupe,
I've got this sister and well she's really strange. Well she's got this big crush on this boy and she talks about him all the time (well only in her diary). I don't know what to get her for Christmas. Can you help?-Tim Retwinzicle, Bobland, France
Well Tim, it sounds like the perfect gift would be to unite your sister with this crush of hers. Haven't you heard the song that says, "All I want for Christmas is You"? Well she wants the same thing. Well I've heard from some experts that playing hard to get is good. So for Christmas, obtain a picture of this boy, write a note with your sister's name of the back of it and stab it with a knife through the boy's front door. This is bound to make the boy think your sister wants to kill him. Eventually he will find this attractive.

Dear Cantaloupe,
Two years ago, I bought my mom my favourite video game for Christmas. Since she never played it, I've played it tons. Last year I bought her a metal CD. Well apparantly she's never liked metal so I adopted the CD as my own. Well this would be all well, but she was really unhappy with me both years. I don't see why. They were both really really awesome gifts. I was really really pumped that I ended up getting them for myself, so I don't see why she shouldn't be happy as well. What should I get her this year? I was thinking I might like a football, but what should I do?-Albert C. Intybersonberg, Smomalohke, Idaho
Mothers are like that sometimes Albert. They are some of the toughest people to buy for. So instead of just giving her the football you should do something special to personalize it. Put your name on the football to remind her that her wonderful offspring gave it to her. That way, anytime she lets you play with the football that she doesn't want, she'll remember the generousity of that thoughtful gift. You could even invite your friends to play a game of football right after present openings. That way when you skip Christmas dinner with the family (the one that your mother slaved over for hours), she will remember the thoughtfulness AND practicality of the gift that allowed it to happen.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town (BEWARE)

I've been thinking. With all of America's security push and guard against terrorism, they've done a fairly decent job. However the one person who is the biggest threat is still at large. They have yet to find a way to defeat him. Perhaps the public backlash would be too strong. Yes, I am talking about the one and only Santa Claus. This man is the master criminal. First of all his identity is kept a secret. If you see someone who looks like Santa Claus, it's most likely an impersonator. The REAL Santa Claus could just walk through a mall and nobody would bat an eye because, well...there's many malls with Santa. He's impossible to find. It's like the Where's Waldo book back in the day in the land of Waldos. How do you find Waldo when everyone is Waldo? Second, Santa has a loyal army of elves. His elves will do whatever he says, because he is Santa Claus. He's five times your size. You do what he says. It's not like they're treated poorly either. Who wouldn't want to be bossed around when the reward is a good life. Third, Santa Claus has no government to control his actions. He lives at the North Pole, which is part of NO COUNTRY. There are no regulations or standards to abide by. He doesn't have to release information about what he is doing. In fact, nobody knows! Finally, Santa Claus has access to anyone's house that has a chimney. If he wanted to, he'd stick an explosive down your chimney and BANG! Merry Christmas! This man can get into the most secure of locations. You don't think he could get in the White House? His sleigh flies faster than any aircraft on Earth. You think they could shoot it down with missiles. Good luck. For those of you who are scared of Osama bin Laden, you shouldn't be. There is one man who poses a greater threat to the world's safety than he does. It's Kris Kringle. Let's get this straight. He may just be the richest man in the world. He has access to a hotbed of natural resources (all that coal) and how much do you think it costs to make all those toys? You don't have a clue who he is. He could very easily get into your house and rob you. But I haven't told you about the most deadly part. The fact is that "he sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows when you've been bad or good". He knows EVERYONE on the world. He's a mastermind. There's no WAY this man couldn't take over the world in one night if he wanted to. So try and protect your family this Christmas with a AK-47. He'll know you have it. So try and blockade the chimney, but he'll find another way in. Try and tell yourself that Santa doesn't exist, because he wants it that way. If the authorities don't think he exists, that's when he'll strike. Then we'll see who has a Merry Christmas. Ho ho ho.

The Spirit Of The Seasoning

The true meaning of Christmas is something many people have tried to find. What is the meaning of Christmas? No not the dictionary version, but the essence you could say of the the holiday. With stores treating Christmas as a stocking stuffer (if you count their wallets as stockings) and churches putting on Christmas plays and all, who knows what it could be? Supposedly the term "Christ's Mass" came to remember the birth of Christ. (By the way, isn't it funny that Christ is called Christ. That's like remembering Prince William as simply Prince. It's a title not an actual name.) Well I went out in search of the meaning. I looked far and wide. I looked over the mountain and under the seas. I looked above the stars and into parked cars. That when I asked for a sign. I got it. It said "Pedestrian Crossing". What about these pedestrians makes them the meaning of Christmas? Then I realized why. People crossing the streets is a sign of the strong giving way to the week and humble. A car could run you over without much of a dent, but it gives of itself to stop. Sure, cars could intimidate pedestrian to where they wouldn't cross, but it is in the spirit of love and kindness that drivers yield to the weak and helpless. That's why "Pedestrian Crossing" is the true meaning of Christmas. So the next time you see someone walking across the street, remember the purpose. It's Christmas. Stop. Give of yourself to another.

Trevor YVR Plett

(On the twelveth day of Cantaloupes, YVR gave to me, 12 Letters Answered, 11 diary entries, 10 spelling errors, 9 rants on playgrounds, 8 false news stories, 7 penguins dancing, 6 dragons trading, 5 of Yerov's kids, 4 mailing lists, 3 future looks, 2 crushed kids and you laughing and rolling on the floor)