CNN presents Campaign 2004 Presidential Debate

We'd like to welcome you all to today's presidential debate. I've heard there are many issues to be dealt with and we will hear both candidates respond to them and whatever other things they have on their mind. So first I'll introduce the Dull Party candidate, Mr. Tim Generic

TIM GENERIC- Hello America

Next I'd like to introduce the We'd Like to have more Parties Party candidate, yes, The Cantaloupe itself.

The Cantaloupe- I'm not going to comment until my lawyers get here

Ahhh...I see. Aren't you representing yourself in court?

The C- Oh look, my lawyer just got here

Not that this is court....well...I suppose we can get underway then. Any opening statements, we'll start with you Mr. Generic

TG- I'd like to remind you all of the record of gross neglect on the part of our other candidate. We the people need a change! I promise to give the people a voice if I am elected. I promise to lower taxes, improve healthcare and the economy, create jobs, improve our relations to other nations, defend our nation from terrorists, save the environment and so on

uhhhh....and how do you promise to do all that

TG- I have a dream. I will fulfill my promises. I don't flip flop on issues.....or do I? No, I DO NOT FLIP FLOP

Good. Any opening comments from The Cantaloupe

The C- Well I'd like to say that if I am elected I will not be Tim Generic, not even for a second. I might try occasionally to morph into his body, but it is simply impossible. You the people of my readership never have to worry about Tim Generic being your leader if you elect me.

I see. There are a number of highly controversial issues at play here, however in the interest of our time, we'll avoid those altogether. I mean, c'mon, who wants to watch this debate anyway, let's speed it up! We have some questions to ask each of you and you will both get your turn to answer. Our first question is from Maurice Retorandofiddle of Indonesia, New York. He asks "What do you plan on do with all the extra money you will have after the diamond heist... I mean... "treasure hunting expedition"?

TG- If you elect me, I promise to give all the money back to you, the American people. You deserve it more than I do

The C- No they don't! You're Tim Generic! All that money might buy you a personality! As for me, I think that treasure hunts are fun. All the digging in the fields is tiring. That's why I need inscript most of you into slavery so you can dig for me. We'll all be rich! And by all I mean me.

"Would you still have time to publish your best-selling Cantaloupe?"

The C- If I didn't I would cease to exist, and would you vote for something that doesn't exist? Yes, you would.

"Would you cut your hair short?"

TG- We as a nation need to cut the hairs of injustice and racism. If we work together, we can make a difference. We must put streaks of ethics back into our land while maintaining the wonderful colour of freedom. Thank you.

The C- At least I didn't try and cut my hair myself. Why? Because that results in someone shaving off the entire sides and back of their hair. And that would suck.

"Would you dance on tables at the college?"

TG- Yes, I promise to dance at the planning table to find ways to improve education. Did you know our education ranks a miserable seventh in the world? This isn't right! We must dance out a solution or our kids will see a future where the might only have five cars and a large house.

The C- Having a dance party on top of tables would be fun as a matter of fact. I think that anyone in their right mind would join in. However once we had ten or so people on top of the table it might collapse, but it's kinda like stacking cups, you know it'll break sometime, but you have to try and build it up as much as possible before it breaks. Well as the old proverb says, "Keep plants seeds until the ground spits them back at you". That's my motto. Especially if you're stupid.

"Would you walk in the rain? Would you look down a drain?"

TG- We will not cave in to the demands of the rain. We simply will not negotiate with it. The people of America will withstand this downpour. They will continue to live their lives and enjoy their freedom. No drains will distract them. You cannot sway our nation with threats. We will fight back

The C- What is rain anyway but a really big shower? In fact it's clearly based off of showers. Have you ever heard of the song "Singing in the Rain"? Why would you sing in the rain, except that we were singing in the showers first! Well I tried using this invention in shower a few months ago. I dropped my soap down the drain though! And the girls who walked by didn't even want to crawl into the drain to retrieve it. I mean I didn't have any clothes on and they did! I have no protection. People in my country need to help those taking a shower in the rain, by jumping down into the drains.

"Would you cover up your buttons and then scramble over eggs? Would you eat starving kittens and devour chicken legs?"

TG- My administration will not force anyone to get an abortion. Only those who really want to have one will be allowed. Rarely will a mother who wishes to keep her child be killed. This is my solemn swear. We promise to send all the families who lost their mother to abortion a generous care package including three raisins and a box of chick peas.

The C- We at the Cantaloupe certainly do not condone violence against animals. We would like to tell everyone of this. However what we consider animals may be slightly different than what you think. We think animals are indestructible. Thus any animal that dies because of me simply hanging it upside down and using as a piñata is not truly an animal. Any kitten that is starving must be used to fill my empty stomach. Any kitten that is well and fed must be used to fill my empty stomach. It's a simple solution.

"Would you lick all the dishes? Would you cower in the thicket?"

TG- I promise that we will not waste any of the taxpayers money. If you are looking for competence, there's a reason you have not found it. That's because it's been hidden in my closet. But now I will bring it out. We promise any dishes we begin to lick will be licked. We will not cower away from any issues, especially not in a thicket.

The C- As president there is no way I will be cleaning any dishes, I'm far too important for such a task. Such things will be assigned to people I don't like for example. They'd be far better off cowering in the thicket than making me mad.

"Would you jump up and down? Would you promise never, ever, again to frown? Would you eat lots of butter? Would you summersault for supper?"

TG- Slow down. We need to take one thing at a time. If I am elected, we will look through every issue thoroughly. Is it better for the nation if we jump up and down. Should we use tax money to enable us not to frown. Is butter in the budget? Such issues need time and consideration.

The C- The Cantaloupe fully endorses all sorts of things. Somersaulting to the supper table is certainly one of them. In fact I plan to make such a thing law. We will become a much healthier nation once we somersault all the way home after eating our McDonald's. Our lack of exercise is one thing....one thing that will be solved when somersaulting becomes the only legal form of transportation.

"when you eat your smarties do you eat the red ones last?"

TG- We must educate our youth on this issue. Many of our youth are jumping ahead and eating the red ones first. Many of these youths are getting pregnant or dying. We need to encourage safe usage of the red ones. Perhaps even abstaining from eating the red ones until last. But education is the key. Or else our country will wither and die.

The C- The other day when I was eating my smarties I received a message from God. I had lined my smarties up in a line when i realized that I had just spelled the word "ooooooooooo" It was like an exclamation of surprise or something. What was God surprised about I asked? Well I figured they must be holy smarties, dedicated only for his usage. Well I promise as leader of this land to keep the sacred smarties safe at all costs, even if it means personally protecting them. And by that I mean eating them. And by eating them I mean I already have.

Okay, thanks both of you for answering our question even if they were from Nolan Arch...

The C- If I get elected, I promise never again to talk to Nolan Archer, except when he talks to me first or we're within 100 feet of a tree, or I have a left leg. Only under these circumstances will I even communicate with him.

Uhhhh....fine then. Lucky for us, we only have a two party system and we have to vote for one of these two fine candidates. I'm sure whoever gets the most votes will win, unless he doesn't. Any final thoughts?

The C- The Cantaloupe is going to promise you a few things. First of all, we will have many goats in our land. And they will be shaggy (or possibly shagging). And they will frolic. And we will have hot girls. What else can I say? A vote for me is a vote for hypocrisy! It sounds cool so it must mean something great!

TG- I'm appalled by the statements made by Mr. Loupe. To him you are just walking statistics with votes. To me you each have a name and a face. And a credit card. But mostly just a name and a face. Now on Tuesday, October 26, I urge all of you to float your named faces over to the voting booths and vote for me. Remember a vote for me is a vote for change. A vote for me is a vote for what is true and right. Do you like pizza? So do I. Do you like not getting massacred? So do I! We can relate, you and I. I'm just like the common man, I know what you think. I'm just a few billion dollars richer, that's all.

Thank you everybody for joining us for today's presidential debate. Don't forget to vote for president beginning Tuesday, October 26. Please tell us why you wish to vote for the particular candidate and vote now!