Not So Childish Edition

The Cantaloupe
Presents Children's Stories

Little Red Riding Hood

One Day Little Red Riding Hood was asked to go bring some food to Gramma's house. "No mama, I won't go", said Reddie. "But your Gramma can't take care of herself""Well why don't YOU go then"
"Because I told you to"
Well....they argued for a while until they came to the conclusion that it'd be much quicker to send a package through the mail. Anyway the wolf in the forest was getting lonely, because of the lack of little girls to eat. I mean the mail service had taken away all traveller's except for the mailman and he was just too big and grown up. Well that's when he got an idea. Why shouldn't he start up a volunteer organization. One that provides activities for little boys and girls. Anyway he fundraised and he got enough support to start this club. Little Red Riding Hood was one of the girls there. Well the activities seemed a little weird right off the bat. I mean rolling around in marinate was kinda fun, but that mixed with lessons on how to season one's self....it just was a little too much. So Little Red Riding Hood went up to the wolf and asked him why they were doing such funny things. Well the wolf replied, "Well then you'll taste so good....I mean then you'll uhhh....learn valuable life lessons." This seemed to make sense to Reddie. Not only were they learning valuable life lessons but they also would taste SO GOOD. Well club continued smoothly although membership seemed to be dropping. After hide-and-go seek in various ovens, there just weren't as many kids. And it seemed the wolf was getting too fat to run the club efficiently. Reddie just never seemed to get her turn in oven games or lighting oneself on fire or even tying oneself to a pole and rotating over an open fire. Well at this she dropped out of the club and got the woodcutter to destroy the club forever. At this the police stepped in and arrested both Reddie and the woodcutter and charged them with attempted murder and destroying property. Reddie pleaded insanity and spent the rest of her days thinking she was a radish.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up to hill and fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Jack lamented the loss of his favourite crown. It had been a gift from his uncle the King of Fantasia. After this he just wasn't the same fun-loving water-retrieving guy he was before. Jill tried to get him counselling, but Jack refused. Soon Jack was all alone when Jill broke up with him and started going out with his best friend Jim. Jack was sad until he found out he was really really good at tossing ketchup packets at accountants. Many a day he passed splotching suits with red goo. Well one day Jill came to him crying. "What's the matter?" he asked. "Jim wants to have 5 kids! I only want 4 kids! It will never work out." Well, Jack took this as an opportunity to get the only girl he had ever loved back. He showed her how amazing he had become at his new skill. He had even got good at tossing ketchup at computer programmers by now. Jill was really impressed, but there was one hurdle. Could they make it up the hill to fetch a pail of water? Well they tried. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Suddenly Jack wobbled. Would he fall? No, because this time he was in a helicopter. The helicopter landed on the top of the hill and let Jack and Jill off to get their water. When Jill pulled up the pail with water there was something else in it. It was a diamond ring! Jill immediately said "YES!". Jack wondered whose ring it really was. Either way, they lived happily ever after and had 5 kids. Also Jack now gained the ability to hit tuba players with mayonnaise.

The Continuing Adventures Of SirVR and McFrancination

Last time we checked in with this story, McFrancination the dragon was found innocent of insider trading and the brave and noble SirVR was receiving bribe money. The peasants in Cantelot were regrowing their left legs after their last escapade. The town was happy again and it seemed like it would always be so. However a dark menace appeared in the east. Fortunately for everyone this town was a long ways away from east. Either way another dragon flew into town one day. As this dragon would eat, he would drop litter onto the groung. This evil dragon was destroying the town with his mess! Again the town came hopping to SirVR telling him, "You must rid our village of this littering monster". SirVR told the villagers that if they were lying he'd have their right arm. Then he went out in search of the dragon. He even brought his old friend McFrancination. Then he saw it, the other dragon dropping a Doritos wrapper on the groundSirVR- HALT! You cannot continue thine foolish folly!Retwinkle (The Other Dragon's Name)- And what are you gonna do about it, cut off the right arm of everyone in the village?SirVR- If I have to, yesRetwinkle- Well go ahead because I'm not going to stop litteringMcFrancination- Look, there must be another way, you could burn all your garbage with your breathRetwinkle- Sorry, I'm not that kind of dragonJust then a huge storm built up, blowing all the garbage to the north out of town and into the town of Pixieburgh. The town cheered. With the wind constantly blowing this hard, Retwinkle could litter all he wanted and it would just end up polluting another town! Lucky for them, all they would lose is their lighter citizens and a few unsturdy cottages. SirVR was given an ostrich to ride and the dragons wandered freely, inside trading to their hearts content. The town was once again happy.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

The Cantaloupe is going to be old soon. And by that I mean ME. Well I must celebrate such a sad event by having a party. And you, the reader can join in the fun. Read the attachment to find out how. Or just email me. Or phone. Or talk. Something like that.

TREVOR "YVR" McPlett

(I would like to announce the birth of my first baby boy, Johnny John John Jonny. He weighs in at 1 pound. He was born at the age of zero. I hope you all give me presents)