Why I'm Not A Champion

The Cantaloupe

Wow! It's been a long time hey? During the time between me writing you last I've had friends married, hanging with friends, friends get eaten, friends put on their pants...wait, did I just say friends put on pants? That's a lie. I don't have any friends who wear pants. All of my friends wear skirts (even the dudes). I always ask them, "Why don't you wear pants? Pants are much better than skirts" but they don't listen to me. I suppose it's their fault really, not mine.
All I know is that if this isn't a record for longest time between two issues of the Cantaloupe it most certainly should be. Why don't I write anymore? Well obviously if you are reading this, the last statement isn't true. I have just sent an issue. So what was with the gap? Honestly when your friends get eaten you have a lot more things to think about than writing humor articles for people. Yes, I know it might make me feel better and take my thoughts away from those horrible memories, but it's asking a little much.

Now for All My Friends

Very recently some sort of hockey season ended victoriously for all the wonderful people of Calgary. Canada's team (Carolina Hurricanes) beat that team from Edmonton. Now I don't really hate the Oilers all that much. They are a zillion times cooler than the Leafs and definitely better than the Red Wings, but when it is a Edmonton team and you're a Calgarian, it's fun to root, root, root against those guys. What I'm wondering is why is there a "friendly" rivalry between these "great" cities. Is there a reason we in Calgary dislike teams from Edmonton and not teams from Istanbul? Personally it doesn't seem to make any sense. If proximity is the issue, well then we should dislike Airdrie and have a rivalry with them. Stupid Airdrie! Edmonton is about three hours driving time away from Calgary. Perhaps it's because Edmonton is a big city? Well again we have a problem, because there are bigger cities than Edmonton. Jakarta maybe?
This is a mystery I MUST solve and to solve it I need to go undercover. And build a time machine. However, I'm too lazy to build my own so I borrowed one. I borrowed it from my slightly paranoid time machine dealer Fred. Fred thinks I'm going to screw up the present or something. But what I found out by going back in time is a story. The story that explains away our mystery.

Foundations from which Hatred is Built

I travelled back in time about a hundred years when both Edmonton and Calgary were in the founding stages. The mayors of those towns at the time were Thurman J. Tinfoil for Calgary and Rudolphus K. Snitsinhouer for Edmonton. Thurman and Phus (as he liked to be called) were the best of friends. During those days mayors were like farmers. In fact most mayors in those days WERE farmers. They'd pave a street in the morning and in the afternoon go plant a coconut tree or two. Well these guys were such good chums that they'd always get together to hang out with a coconut sandwich or five. They'd talk about sports, girls, and all the things that guys like to talk about.
One day they both got invited to the Mayors Conference of Alberta which was to be held in Lloydminster (ironically the Saskatchewan side of the border). Phus had always been a ladies' man so he was used to getting the girls, but that day he met a girl so incredibly hot. She was seductively dressed in a dress that showed off her neck and toes. This was the mayor of Didsbury, Mary Dids. He spent the whole time thinking about her and that big toe of hers. Wow! What a toe! Anyways after the whole thing was over he went over to her and used his pick up line that never seemed to fail him. "Wanna go back to my town and burn some of it down" You see in those days, mayors were allowed to do most anything and they were often pyros. However the girls Phus usually asked out were not mayors of their own towns and thus they were more impressed. Mary didn't care much for him and she let him know.
Phus was devastated and Thurman was there to pick up the pieces. He comforted him by doing what you usually do when someone is upset, you put an arm around them and talk in a high-pitched baby sort of way. "Does Phus need a candy?" asked Thurman. And so Phus didn't so much get over Mary, but he got over his grief. Later that day, Thurman was walking down the street when who did he bump into but Mary. Mary dropped her cricket paddle (woman always carried around these paddles in those days in case a man would pull her dress up past her ankles). As Thurman went to pick it up their eyes met and it was love. They had seen each other before so it can't be described as love at first sight, but that's not the point. The point is they had a very long kiss and then they went on their way frolicing to and fro.
Thurman couldn't be completely happy about this though. He knew he would betray the trust of his best friend if he continued with Mary. Certainly love is a great thing, but so is love. This love versus love decision was a difficult one for Thurman, but he couldn't in good conscience hurt Phus after all Phus had done for him. He made the long walk (uphill both ways) to tell Mary that he couldn't see her anymore, when who would show up, but Phus! Phus asked Thurman what he was up to so late at night. It was almost scandelous to see a mayor on the town after five o'clock p.m. Thurman told him the truth and he told him the whole truth. When he was done, Phus broke into tears. Thurman saw that Phus felt hurt by the whole thing, but what he heard next shocked him. "Have her" said Phus, "I can't stand in my friend's way." Phus explained that they were best of friends and no girl could come between them. Nothing could tear apart such a fantastic friendship. They cried and embraced each other that night in the silver and purple daylight. It was beautiful.
Thurman and Mary eventually got married. That Saturday. Yeah it was rather quick, but it lasted. Phus found himself a wonderful lady as well and he was just as happy. For the rest of their lives, they always had time to spend reminising and drinking coconut juice. They declared to the world that Calgary and Edmonton would always be fully in support of each other. Alberta would be united in heart and spirit.
Many years later Thurman was opening a present Phus had bought him when he got a paper cut. He flew into a rage and denounced his friend and the city of Edmonton. Phus got mad too and he killed Mary. Okay he didn't do that, but what he did do is stomp on Thurman's foot and denounce the city of Calgary. They never saw each other again and that's the story.
By the way the present that day was a pink sweater. It was really nice and pretty. Thurman looked nice in it. He even sent Phus a thank you card.

"Dear Phus
Thank you for the sweater
You have always been so very kind to me
And I will cherish our memories in my heart
Of course now I hate you
I hope you eat maggot infested radishes
Your friend
Thurman"

It's a Bird. It's Superman. No Wait...

Since I haven't written for so long I haven't been able to warn you all that I'm going away for a period of time. To a magical place called West Virginia. One of the benefits of doing this is I get to take a method of transportation that I have not taken for a while, airplane. Airplanes are very cool things when they aren't exploding or anything like that. (By the way, I'd like to take this time to hope the F.B.I. isn't reading this issue, because of the last sentence I wrote. I would like to retract it, but I can't because my Backspace key doesn't work. I lied just there. My backspace key doesn't work, but now those F.B.I. guys aren't reading anymore, so I won't get in trouble).
Well I'm going to be up in the air for a while so I was wondering if maybe I could give you and myself some helpful things to know about making a plane flight a glorious adventure.
First of all there are some things you should repeat during the flight just to make those around you nervous. "My aunt always told me that 'what goes up must come down'". "Hey, do you remember the movie 'Alive'?" "Does the ground look like it's coming at you or is that just me?" "Did you know I read yesterday in Reader's Digest that one in every billion airplane flights ends up with a lion on board?" You see that way when you land safely the people who sat around you will develop a lucky sort of feeling.
Another good joke is just before the plane takes off, you slip outside the plan and climb on top. Then just as the plane is going to take off you slide in front of the front windshield, band like crazy and act as if you somehow fell from the sky or something. That way you'll give the pilots a good jump and then maybe they'll laugh about it later.
Yeah it'll be fun as well as me going to that place that I'm going with some cool people, but you like to be able to do fun things to liven the mood. I hope you folk that are staying here will keep live because otherwise you'll be dead.

Question of the Month

Since I haven't asked a question yet this month I feel like asking a question that I won't answer until I'm back. It'll give me time I think..."Other than getting a paper cut from a present they give you, what are some other things that a friend could do that would be totally unforgivable? Pointing a carrot at your face? Something like that?"

Nectarines, Nectarines

As the months have passed, it because harder and harder to write about things. The brain shuts off and stuff. Well let's hope it never happens again. Let's hope that we can become more regular. Unfortunately, it is off to that land that I go and it is time for me to say goodnight. I hope that all of you wear skirts even though it'd be cooler to wear pants. Be a friend, wear a skirt.
Cya

Trevor YVR Plett

(The story about how Uren, Saskatchewan and Berlin, Germany became enemies is a much longer story to tell. Well you see there were some guys from Berlin living in Uren and then they punched another guy in the face and told him his mother was frivilous. So if you are from Berlin, I'll tell you a secret to a long life: Don't go near Uren, Sask. It's a death trap for you and stay away. I told you the story was long.)