Cantaloupes are Your Immanent Doom

The Cantaloupe

There's an old saying that goes "Those that stand on a thatched roof either fall or jump off". Well I'm one of those people that would rather jump than wait for my immanent doom. What does that have to do with this issue. Well rather than wait a couple weeks and not put anything out to you, I've decided to jump at the chance of putting something out quickly.

If only they promised our immanent doom

I was having lunch today when I glanced at the newspaper. One headline stuck out. This is from the Calgary Herald front page. And I quote "Ivan's fury can't be stopped". And at that I panicked. If it can't be stopped, it's only a matter of time until it destroys everything on the globe! Now those of you who have lived long enough (Geezers like me) will remember many deadly hurricanes. Well how many old school hurricanes are kickin' it around the globe. None. They all just seem to die. Well Ivan is different. At least if we listen to the newspaper. Now I realize that newspapers sometimes have to exaggerate to sell papers. I mean who wants to read about something commonplace. "MAN TAKES OUT TRASH", "RAIN STORM LEAVES MANY WET", "CAR ACCIDENT RESULTS IN MILD RAGE". No. That wouldn't work. Except for maybe me, I'd buy those in no time. But this is no exaggeration, it's either true or a complete lie. Either Ivan's fury will stop or it won't. Of course we all realize if it is true it seems to be a massive understatement. I mean wouldn't "IVAN WILL KILL ALL HUMAN LIFE" be more appropriate. Okay so hurricane's don't kill, but at least "IVAN WILL CONTINUE TO DESTROY MANY THINGS IN ITS PATH UNTIL THE END OF TIME" be a better thing to write? Well either way this devastating news made me call one of my best friends, Yerov the hard-working Russian farmer. And he told me a story

Did I say the words "immanent doom" yet?

Back in his native Siberia, Yerov had a childhood buddy named Ivan. Now you may be thinking "There's a lot of people named Ivan in Russia. It's kind of like Mike or David here". Well this Ivan would soon become a storm of reckless velocity. Yerov grew up with his parents who loved him very much in the town of Ugulyat in Siberia. Despite having fifty-five kids in a three bedroom house, Yerov felt very loved. His father Sergei and mother Ivana were the greatest parents anyone could ever ask for. Anyways, next door lived a kid named Ivan. His family only had 2 kids. He was the oldest and he had a younger brother, Ralph. Well Ivan as a kid always dreaming of being the cause of massive destruction. However being the awful parents they were, his parents never had faith in him. They told him that he had only one possible future. He would shovel manure as his father does, and his father before him and his father. Only his great-great grandfather had ever strayed from that line and caused massive destruction. It was simply unthinkable. However when Ivan's younger brother told his father he wanted to be a ventriloquist, his father readily agreed and supported him. Ivan was neglected and forgotten. Well as he got older, Ivan nearly gave up, but he matured, turned into a cloud formation over the Atlantic ocean spinning really, really fast, and soon he accomplished his dream. Well look who's laughing now! Actually Ivan's parents are comedians now so they laugh a lot too. As for Yerov, he learned to support each of his twenty-nine children in all that they do and when they themselves cause massive destruction he can say "That's my boy!".
P.S. Yerov's elephant is doing fine in a zoo in Philadelphia. Yerov visited him two weeks ago and gave him some peanuts. Just for those who were wondering.

Immanent doom is fun to say

On the readers responses to last week's question based on what you'd do if you could live one day in my shoes. What would you bring for furniture?

"I'd bring my loft bed from IKEA. I love it. At night I wake up to go to the bathroom and bang my head on the roof. I couldnt live without that could I? And dont forget the advantage of being able to go under it(while bending over,breaking your back.)"-Kate V.K. (who by the way I am declaring my reader of the year so far. Why? Because I can. That's why)
Unluckily for you the roof is even lower in my shoes. My shoes are cramped but luckily the roof is soft and fuzzy. By the way, The Cantaloupe loves IKEA. It's a wonderful, wonderful furniture store. I mean they make products that look like they should be put out in 20 years. I can't wait til the hovering bed comes out.

"i would bring... a blanket.... so i could have a nap.... using your shoes as a pillow.... scented... yipee.."-Taylor B.
I can't figure out how you use my shoes as a pillow when you're living IN the shoes. I mean it's like using your house as a pillow. Which I suppose is just like not using a pillow. Does anyone do this? Wouldn't that be hard? I suppose you could do it if you got used to it.

Question of the Week

Next week (or whenever I put out the next issue) is the 25th issue of the Cantaloupe. What I'd love to do is get tons of response so I can use much viewer mail in honour of you folks. I'd like to set a record for most mail in a week. So I'm going to provide a "simple" question that can be answered in one word.

If you could describe yourself when you read the Cantaloupe in one word, what would it be? (Use two words if you absolutely have to)

As for me, I'm sailing off into the sunset. Unfortunately my boat leaks and I'll soon be swimming to shore after it sinks. Goodnight and have a happy tomorrow.

TREVOR "YVR" McPlett

(Buy the Cantaloupe today and you'll receive not only The Cantaloupe but also a free particle of dust hand carved with your name on it!)