Never Knowing Where We're Going

The Cantaloupe

Again it has been a while since my last issue hit bookstores around the globe. That's to be expected right? I mean it's not like I'm getting paid for this. In fact I'd say I'm doing charity work. Thus I am willing to accept donations. Give me money, more money, maybe a kidney I can sell on the black market (I didn't add any undercover cops to my mailing list did I?). Actually I hear jails are quiet nice nowadays. Maybe there'll be internet and I'll have some "killer" material to write on. Sorry bout that. Couldn't resist.

I declare myself to be gold medal champion

The Olympics just ended and honestly I watched maybe a hour or two tops through the entire run. Either way most events are plain boring to watch. I mean who cares to watch the marathon which consists of people just running for hours? Anyway I've got some ideas to improve the following events
DIVING/SWIMMING- I say throw some hungry aquatic animals in the water. Maybe a shark and an alligator or two. Talk about performing under pressure, the diver not only must worry about missing the dive, but getting away once the dive is complete.
Announcer 1- What a rip entry on that dive!!
Announcer 2- The judges have to be impressed by that
A1- What's this? It looks like the alligator made a rip entry of his own!A2- Ha ha. That'd be a rip entry into the rib cage, Steve
A1- It appears the Chinese judge just loved how the alligator made it look easy.
A2- And the Brazilian alligator wins the gold.
BASKETBALL- With all the success of beach volleyball, I say let's move more events out to the beach environment. I mean that way less clothes can be worn and thus higher ratings. Wait, forget that I just said that. Anyway beaches are awesome. Can't you just imagine a basketball game on the beach. I mean it'd be a game without running, jumping, dribbling. So basically people would be lobbing half-court shots all game. Speaking of which....half court shots should be an Olympic event. It'd be no stupider than the Olympics adding archery or shooting to the Olympics. Oh wait, they ARE in the Olympics.
NEW EVENTS- If the Olympics are about speed and skill, I figure there's one new craze that can be added. How about speed dating in the Olympics? I suppose that'd be hard to judge though. I mean are we judged based on speed or the dating? I mean seeing how many dates you could have in an amount of time might be fun, but what constitutes a date? And doesn't the quality of date matter? Either way the Olympics is lacking some good couples events. How about a couples sprint where you have to be lip-locked at all times? I mean that'd be a difficult way to run, but how entertaining would it be! And let's throw in an alligator or two. Oh yes I love my violence. I mean what would life be without violence? Everyone getting along, singing, holding hands. Loserish. I mean who could stand a couple years of everyone getting along. It wouldn't be interesting at all. What would I have to write about? Well I'm sure I could find something. Uhh.......Subject without violence....subject without violence....I'd kill someone to find a subject without violence.....I'm sorry. This issue has not been up to the usual standards I hold myself up to. Wait, I have no standards. In fact if I had standards I wouldn't have released half my issues. I should be on the CBC!!

The Part of Year we all look Forward To

It's time for another year of schooling. Well I've got a helpful tip for you schooling folks in case you ever feel like missing a class. Well certainly skipping is unacceptable, all of us at the Cantaloupe feel that way. However what you need to do is learn a lesson from Michael Jordan. When he didn't feel like playing anymore he just retired. Then when he wanted to come back he did. So feel like skipping. Just retire from schooling. Then later....unretire. It works like a charm. I mean skipping isn't acceptable, but certainly retirement is a valid excuse.

Question Of The Week

If you could live one day in my shoes....what furniture would you bring with you?

Next Week on....We reveal the secret of gravity. Why is it the way it is? Why doesn't it suck you upwards or sideways? Why doesn't it turn you into stone? Oh wait...you already know that. Fine then. Be that way! JERKS! No wait....sorry....SORRY! Don't unsubscribe! I need you the loyal reader. Of course if you were so loyal you'd have paid me money.....JERKS!!! I know where some of you live. I wouldn't mess with me if I were you. Maybe I should end this quickly before I degenerate into complete nonsense. Have a great month of September. As for me....I'm in Edmonton for Harvest Moon Festival 2004. Yay!

TREVOR "YVR" McPlett

(jag skulle göra vad som helst för en kopp is te just nu!)
(Also you may want to check out the lovely picture of me wearing a pink shirt!)
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(Sköna Flicka)
(I Said Nothing...Nevermind Me. The comment above was random and has nothing to do with the picture)