Ode To The Home Team

The Cantaloupe would like to salute the Calgary Flames in whom The Cantaloupe trusts. Thus here is the Calgary Flames commemorative issue

The Cantaloupe

Those of whom have been fortunate enough to be in Calgary over the last month or so have also been fortunate enough to bask in the collective glow of the world's greatest hockey team, The Calgary Flames. Now for those of you lucky people that live in Calgary you've also probably read enough about the Flames to make you want to throw up. Actually no. You haven't. But still if you hated hockey, then you might not wish to live at this point. Anyway I for think we need to kick the celebrations up a notch. Since we are the Flames, why not burn down the cities of Vancouver and Detroit? If they object, well they should have won instead of losing. Now help us with the pouring of gasoline. If Vancouver had beaten us they would have been perfectly okay to spread Canadians (Canucks) throughout Calgary. Same with Detroit. They could have given us many red wings. However it is them who lost so we shall burn their cities down.

Speaking of hockey games, stats show that crime rates in the city go down as hockey games are on. So what does this mean? That's right, hockey fans are criminals. Therefore it'd be perfectly okay for cops to wait outside the Saddledome and arrest everyone inside. Of course they wouldn't want to do that. Why? Because we need the arsonists to burn things.

Last night I drove around and honked my horn, like many others did. Well horns seem very stale. What would cause more noise is driving cars into things? Crashing is much louder than honking. Let's do both at once.

By the way, my favourite Flame is Ville Niemenen. That guy is awesome. Imagine for a second if while playing hockey he lost his arm. Do you think he'd still be smiling? I think he would.

Hockey's ratings, while always great in Canada have never been great in the States. Fox even tried to increase ratings by creating the "fox puck" which caused the puck to look like a comet when shot. I've figured out a way in which hockey can increase viewership among a certain demographic. I call it, digitally causing all players to look like Orlando Bloom. Immediately many more teenage girls will watch.

Future-Flames over Sharks in 6

TREVOR "YVR" McPlett