If Ever I Loved You, I Would Have Told You

Cantaloupe, The

Since the last issue I've decided to change one thing about this newsletter. I've decided that no longer will I so much as write it as direct it. What this entails I cannot say, however I will say this. I'm not actually doing anything different than I ever have before. So am I talking nonsense? Quick answer: Yes.

This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse

To me the decline of modern civilization became apparent to me the other day. Sure rampant murder, pornography, corruption and the like are rampant evils, but this has always been the case. These rates have not gone significantly up or down. For years critics tried to make cases for the decline of the western world. Well I never believed them until yesterday when I saw what has become of the playgrounds our kids play on. (Actually I don't think many of my readers have kids. And those who do, they aren't old enough to use such things yet. Well except for MY parents). Anyway I had noticed many of my favourite playgrounds torn down and replaced with crappy plastic abominations before, but recently it hit me. What are we teaching our kids? We tear down the fabric of our society when we destroy a great swing set and replace it with one half as tall. I can just imagine what logic caused this to happen. "What if my kid flies all the way to the moon?????" Well then take a satellite and rescue him if you love him so much! With the slippery slope we are travelling on soon playgrounds will be a plastic bump in the middle of a sandbox. I mean nobody will get hurt on a plastic bump. Oh wait, they will. How bout a foamy rock? Surely when that day comes, don't say you weren't warned, for ancient prophesies have foretold of a day when the world would be consumed with evil, and by evil we mean awful playgrounds. For shame, for shame. What abomination would could follow that? Russell Crowe winning an Oscar? The music industry constantly producing limited quality radio? Politicians who don't speak a word of truth? Never! Such things are impossible. But certainly when playgrounds begin sucking, such things are not far away.
Speaking of abominations, 7-11 recently started putting plastic wrapping on all their slurpee straws. McDonald's also recently began paper wrapping their straws. This is an outrage! Think of how much paper per day will get wasted as a result of this! Environmentalists should be up in arms over such things, however environmentalists are dumb. Well me, I wish I could boycott such places, but I can't. Why? Bacon. McDonald's gives me bacon. MMMmMM....bacon. Why I wish I had a pig farm just so I could go in there each day, cut a pig open and take his bacon....mmmm....that'd be tasty. Of course I bet if I did that, environmentalists would be all over me....typical.

To the Reader

Since I no longer get any new mail, I've decided to dip way back into the mailbag for a question that I forgot to answer. The question asks "why is it cool to be uncool". Example, Many years back kids all had to have new clothes, now it's cool to have old holey clothes. Well I would just say that when people think you're cool, they'll like anything you wear and if you're not cool people will hate whatever you wear even if you're wearing the same clothes as the cool people. However since such an answer is far too simple we'll answer this a different way. Pushing the limits is cool. Individualism is cool. Everyone trying to be an individual is cool. However it kinda defeats the point. Anyway guys aren't supposed to wear pink. Thus a guy confident enough to wear pink is a hero. Surviving high school is called confidence in yourself. If you accidentally forget to put on pants in the morning for example, well just act like it's the newest trend and soon enough everyone will "forget" to be wearing pants. Forget to shave for a year and soon enough, everyone "forgets" to shave for a year. It comes back to whatever the cool person does, the rest of the people follow. If a cool person jumps off a cliff, it becomes the newest craze. Or the newest cult ritual. However then again there are things that shall never catch on and things that shall always be cool

COOL or NOT COOL
Music from original Nintendo Bands with drummers worse than me (White Stripes, looking in your direction)
Long hair on guys Mullets on anyone
Cheap clothes that last Expensive clothes that don't last
Hats (not caps, hats) Guys only wearing Speedos

Remember always, Britney Spears has the initials B.S.

TreVor "YVR" PleTT

(The Cantaloupe wishes it didn't have to tell you this news. Certainly it wishes that someone else were to tell you. It's hard to hard, but your mother and I are splitting up. We still love each other it's just better this way. You'll still get to see both of us. We'll probably have a long custody battle over you, but that just shows how much each of us loves you. Then the loser will probably attempt to kill the one of us who wins, but again that just shows the extent to which we will bring our love. Then when I, The Cantaloupe am the sole remaining parent, there will be no more pain from this divorce and you can get back to whatever the heck you do, whatever your name is.)