Contains 10 Grams Of Phat

The Cantaloupe

You know what? Eventually I bet I could reuse bits from previous newsletters. Do you think you'd notice? Maybe I shall try. I mean I already use the same title for every newsletter. Nobody’s complained about that so logically nobody would complain if I just told the same jokes each issue either. OR I could just tell random idiotic pointless jokes like: 2
Q: Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
A: Because the drifter ate him
Actually I think I'll write new bits. It's not like I don't have enough material. I mean I could always talk about how I hate my readers....I mean how I hate rapists. Every single week they need to be fed, newsletter after newsletter...those reade....I mean rapists.(By the way, you notice how many bits I've stolen from other sources lately. I ripped off the Simpson's rip off of VH1, now I rip off Mad TV, I rip off everyone)
Of course half of you 8 wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't told you

The Program Is Brought to you by...

Finally I will keep one of my numerous promises. Last newsletter (it has been a while hasn't it?) I talked about a contest and here's how it shall work. You will phone me up and tell me why you should get a cake to call your own. Or I suppose if you want, you could email me, since some of you don't have my number, but you won't win that way so don't try. But I tend not to be home. Solution, you could leave a message because I just need to listen to it. In fact it's probably better if you leave a message, but if you have to tell it to me that's okay too. No I like answering machine. Why do I want you to phone? Because it's just a lot more fun and well....it's new and different. And you might also want to sing that message. Or well just tell me why you should get cake. And why you want ME to bake your cake. And random things like that. I haven't yet determined how I’ll pick the winner, but chances are those out of my general driving area tend not to have as good a chance, but that shouldn't stop you from trying right? I'll have some fun honourable mention prizes too. Perhaps mail prizes! Of course perhaps being the key word.By the way if some of you don't have my phone number and wish to call...email me and I shall give it to you. No I won't. But if you like pink you might just find it. And if you call you've got an amazing chance to win since probably only two of you will even do the contest. If you're lucky. If not I'll just bake myself a cake and that's better anyways.
The moral of this contest is I'm a desperately lonely individual who just wants someone to talk to him. Or I just want to laugh at you. I mean with you, I keep talking bad today, 5 what's up with that?

The Joys Of Living At Home

Ahhh...the joys of living at home. That was the title wasn't it? Yesterday I was looking for my pile of laundry and *surprise*, it was gone. And magically it had been cleaned and stuck in my closet. It's totally weird, because I don't pay rent or car insurance. Somehow they're just magically paid for! I think there must be some sort of fairy behind this. Like car-paying fairy and a laundry fairy and such.In other news I got a cheque the other day. It must be from the cheque fairy. I know some people think it's because I had a job and worked or such, but no I do that for free 2 and the cheque fairy brings me money.

SACKS! Preferably Burlap

I never actually did anything crazy. It's kinda sad. I got a few good ideas. Here are some of the ones I got. There are good ideas, it's just that I'm pressed for time and well some of these ideas are a little difficult.

"You should go to a Bridal Fair and set up a YVR (representing beautiful people since 1983) booth. Then you should have massive signs (which I could even help provide) such as "Meeting All Your Groom Needs" and "From Short To Tall, Wide to Small, We've Got Your Man!" Then you could bring along friends and you could all hang out at the booth all day and chat it up with girls who might need husbands for their weddings."-Nolan A., Calgary, AB
You know I happen to like this idea immensely! Does it cost money to set up a booth at one of those fairs? Does anyone know? Anyways it seems kinda odd that nobody would have thought of this before. I mean at a bridal fair what part of it would be more important than finding a husband? I mean you certainly can't marry a rock. Unless of course, Bill C-789 passes and we all pray that it does, but until then you'll have to stick with man-woman weddings. And without a man it doesn't work. By the way, here's the wording of Bill C-789."And each woman may be married under Canadian law to either a) a man or b) a rock. That woman shall not be married to both the man and the rock. If the woman wants to divorce the rock there shall be a custody battle where the officer in charge of such shall throw the groom at his wife (and by the groom we mean the rock)"

"I had an idea of what you should do. You should arrange a time when all the people who you know should meet you at a certain public place and they should act as if you're famous, running up to you and asking for your autograph... Then see how many other people who don't know you ask you for your autograph just because they don't want to appear stupid in not knowing who you are. However, this may be difficult, because it involves other people, and the more the better...."-Shanon P, Almost Calgary, AB
This requires co-ordination, which is against my religion. Where you say? Well it's stated in Not Co-ordinating chapter 10 verse 5 where it says "if thou shalt wisheth to co-ordinate, too bad because if thou doeth that, the Lord shalt smite thee with a curse". At least I think it does. I could be wrong. Me and Jebus haven't been too close of late.

"As for a stunt, or something fun and slightly wacky to do. Find a relatively busy/crowded elevator. Bring some friends if you so choose. Enter the elevator, sit down, and camp out in the elevator for several hours, just going up and down. I did that this weekend with quite a few friends, it proved very entertaining. We even got some free fresh-popped popcorn out of it. To make it even better, what we wanted to do had we the time and supplies, bring furniture, home furnishings, etc, into the elevator with you. Maybe a bed, a nightstand, a lamp, and a photo of someone close to you. Or try a desk, a nice comfy chair, and some good reading books. Or a table, and some dishes, and prepare a feast for those who dare to ride your elevator. However you choose to do it, I'm sure you can make it interesting and unique. Have fun!" Sarah, Unknown Location like say CA
Well that's certainly great, or instead you could bring a ton of those coloured balls they have for kids. You know ball pits? Those balls. And you could fill an elevator with those and play all night long. In fact if I'm president I vote that everywhere gets filled with balls!

"now this is what you should do that's crazy but i'm sure you'd still wanna do it . (it's so trevor) k, make a music video w/ polka techno and make up dumb lyrics adorning cheese and coasters. combine the dumb song with a hip dance in tight gold pants (which I’m sure you have tucked away in a corner of your drawer) then make tons of copies and put them in random people's mailboxes and mail them to people in like, china. then finish with a note saying you will entertain ,at a decent price, and weddings, graduations, and best of all, children's birthday parties..."Bridget F., Edmonton, AB
Come to think of it, I don't mind this idea either. I mean who can resist the tight gold pants baby! And polka is even better! Speaking of which we need to speak up to get full contact polka sumo an Olympic sport for 2008! We can do it with your help. And only if I become president.In ConclusionHave any comments on the other day's VH1 Presentation you can send to me to forward to VH1. By the way I still need questions and material for future issues so tell me stories, whatever it's all good. Please, please do so. I'm desperate here. DO IT!!! DO IT NOW!!!!

TreVor "YVR" PleTT

(Remember boys and girls that crocodiles are not to be put in your mouth under ANY circumstances. I know it might seem like a good idea at the time but....hey wait...it does seem like a good idea.)