Back In The Day

The Cantaloupe

You know the hardest part to write in this silly newsletter is the introduction. I mean how do I keep writing good intros week after week. Well here's what I do. Often I reference how many of these things I've put out. Often I refer to the previous issue. Many times I just ramble on a topic that nobody cares about and viola! Although violas are pretty cool. On another note, I've decided to collect some old memories into this issue. Old stories and such.By the way did anyone see the Oscars sunday night? Well I didn't. And you shouldn't have either. Boo to the Oscars. At least the Razzie's pick the deserving winners most of the time. Like Britney Spears and Madonna (both Razzie winners).

What Real Politics Should Be Like

Has anyone noticed how boring people are nowadays? I mean people are boring. It comes back with my memories of high school. People were boring. Why start model parliament parties with goals such as deglobalization and such. C'mon you're boring! That's right. That's why we started the Don't Care party. So here I present to you the Don't Care party platform (written by one Stephen Chow)...

Don't Care Party OFFICIAL Platform
Penguins OwnLeader: Eric VP: Penguin Bob Loser Joke Leader: Nolan
Note: Eric is not really the leader
Healthcare: DC supports the 5 tier system. We feel that people should be put into 5 distinct classes. 1) really poor 2) poor 3) living in a cardboard box 4) rich 5) Steve type rich. Since Steve is rich he obviously deserves the best healthcare, it's just common sense. Also even though Eric lives in a cardboard box, he also should get level 5 healthcare as he is going to be ESS president soon.
Gun Control: Yeah DC definitely supports gun control. I mean what's up with those out of control guns? Like come on!! They definitely need to be in control. Who should control them you ask? Penguins...PENGUINS OWN. Trevor is NOT penguin Bob. Missiles will be placed on top of Lester B. Pearson High School. This will hopefully be a deterrent for the prisoners who will be sharing the school with the students. If they try to escape, a missile will be launched at them. This goes for both prisoners and students. Tuesdays will be a really bad day.
Energy Rebates: Where does energy come from anyway? Electrons from electricity. We propose to give rebates of electricity. Come to one of our designated offices and get hit with 1000V of electricity. Everybody is eligible for these rebates regardless of if they filled out a tax form. In fact especially if they didn't fill out one.
Education: Our Party much like CPD is in favour of decreasing class sizes. We will attempt to do this by encouraging dropouts and people to skip every Tuesday. Also we feel not enough of our children know about penguins. Why you ask? Well there's just not enough penguin teachers but that will change once we are in power. Also there will be no more school resource officers. Instead we are planning on hiring people called "Tim Horton's Officers." They will be there all hours of the day in case students need donuts. This will cost $10000000 to implement, which will be funded by robbing the corrupt rich (except Steve) and sending them to Siberia.
Economy: Canada's dollar sucks. So basically we're all screwed are there's nothing we can do about it. Well actually that's not true. We plan to take all the non-corrupt rich people's money and send them to Siberia. Then we will buy penguin stock with their money. Then we will be more powerful than Russia!
Environment: Basically once we are in power and take over the United States, our penguins will need a place to live. Therefore we will be sending 1000000 helicopters to Antarctica to bring snow and put it in the USA. They will also be transporting Americans to Antarctica at the same time. We just doubled our efficiency. Take that CPD! So in case you're not sure what I'm saying. Our party plans to ensure penguins have the best environment.
Globalization: Yes for globalization. We take over world. Yes. Soon. We=power. Then world=ours. Penguins=ownage. Nolan=owned by exit sign(s). Mandatory Survivor parties. Nolan automatically wins lottery every week, therefore robbed and sent to Siberia. Grammar=must have. Selling=good. Eric=presidente.

Personally I loved our party. I've attached a few of my party posters to this email for you. And we had a "mystery white powder giveaway". I mean who wouldn't love to do that in a high school. And wearing a towel because we were told not to wear blue jeans.

Tourism Guide

My favourite place to travel to is simple. Roswell, New Mexico. Greatest city ever! The only letdown in that entire city was the fact that I didn't actually meet an alien. They have alien eyes on their street lights! And they have really big hairy spiders that happened to sneak into our sleeping area in the morning. Ahh...now there's some good memories. But what if we combined them. Really big alien spider street lights crawling around! Now don't tell me that wouldn't attract you to Roswell. I mean they could give you cash rewards for surviving the trip without getting stomped on or eaten. Of course I would be controlling these things so they would hurt me and I'd get lots of money.
(Note-Sometimes girls can ruin your fun. For example the person that crushed our furry spider friend was not being nice.)

Way Back in the Day

Going back in the day...I found my grade six yearbook sort of thingy where you had to type out a page of info on yourself. Well so much has changed. My favourite video game was Super Mario Kart. And man with the amount of awesome games nowadays that totally has changed. Actually wait, that's about the only thing that hasn't changed. Actually no, my favourite day is still Saturday. But my picture in there. Wow! I still look good. I don't know where I'm going in this section. Although I was really surprised when I read that Eric wanted to be a drunk when he was older. Sorry inside joke.

Answer Time

Some readers of mine have asked about black snow. Would it melt faster? Physics says yes. Would people still eat snow if it were black? Most likely. Would we throw snowballs if snow were black? Again yes. Finally would guys pee in snow if it were black? Again yes. Of course black snow would could some other differences. Chances are you'd be dreaming of a black Christmas. One like you used to know from da hood. However black snow is so unimaginative. How bout hot pink snow? Now that's more like it. Can you imagine? On a day like today here in Calgary, the world would look just like Barbie's dreamhouse. Speaking of which, did you know Barbie dumped Ken? For a much younger man. But then again how long did Ken hold up Barbie. Barbie was expecting the ring probably for 20 years. I mean Ken stood up her up. Don't play with a girl's heart. And he lost. Good riddance.
The following letter I must reprint in it's entirety (note-you may need a dictionary)

"An open letter to the editor of the Cantaloupe. I was horrified at the inexplicable, inexcusable, and absolutely incomprehensible rant about YVR's silly Russian friend and his badly-behaved, long-nosed pachyderm. The careless insistence that children are plentiful and easy to come-by is questionable at best because years of exhaustive studies have shown that, when it comes to numbers of kids, quality over quantity often yields better results when it comes to creating a set of offspring which will appropriately carry your name. Stupid children like those who positioned themselves within the gait of such a behemoth are undoubtedly the results of the proliferation mentality shared by so many people these days. Our lives be as parents would be so much easier if we had one or two children and raised them in the key areas of elephant foot avoidance and general large animal safety instead of having many little ones and leaving them to get stepped on by russian pets and then wasting our time squeezing out tears for those little brats. Or maybe I am going the wrong way with this... I propose punishing the parents of the flattened munchkins by giving them as chew toys to YRV's pet elephant. After all, it is their fault that YRV's poor elephant hurt his feet stepping on all of their badly behaved offspring. Either way, I'd appreciate it if you would scold the Cantaloupe's production staff and encourage them to seek out proper authorities before making rash claims. Also, on a different note, I want to hear YRV's opinion on the inescapably handsome fellow as I, being one myself, want to know how a wise yet homely person would respond. I can get opinions from beautiful people like YVR anywhere, let the Cantaloupe truly be the voice of the people, including the homely-wisened-russian-mahout people. Sincerely, Lucart 'neologistically better than you' VonShnikerboin"
So yeah I asked Yerov the hard-working-Russian farmer about the inexplicably gorgeous gentleman and here's what he said
Yerov- "I don't have time to answer your questions, ze grain needs a watering"
Anyways I still have lots of letters packed away for use in the future.

Next week's awesome question

I want to you to combine two items from the list below and tell me what the new thing would be like and how you would be able to make money off marketing the thing (either selling the thing, or selling things to deal with the thing, or selling thing prevention)-Spatula -Watermelon -Traffic Light-Grizzly Bear -Slightly Nervous Teenager -Wal-Mart-2:00 am -Lightning -Responsibility-Germany -Frodo Baggins -Ostrich eggs-Left elbow -Kleenex -Boxer-briefs-Hamlet -Ocean waves -the sun-Jell-o -Ebola virus -56

By the way I don't mind if you ask me questions that I don't ask. I mean come to me with all your problems and questions. Who else you going to go to? Jean Chrétien? When has he done anything for you? When's the last time Jean Chrétien came to your house and baked you a cake? I thought so. Which is uhhhh...why I'm more qualified. Maybe that should be a giveaway some day. Have me come to your house and bake you a cake. Or maybe just a cake I baked. Sure why not? So starting next week, the CAKE contest! Goodnight, remember live for today, because tomorrow never comes and yesterday is always in the past!

YVR / Trevor / Myself

(The Cantaloupe is really awesome. If you want me to become rich, famous and able to lend you money when you're living in a cardboard box you must republish and rebroadcast the Cantaloupe without my expressed written permission, or that of my mother, because maybe one day, I'll become Emperor and you can say "I used to know that guy". Note-Vote for me-Emperor in the year 2045!)