Although Honeydew Is Better

WARNING-This issue of the Cantaloupe may contain language, descriptions of partial nudity, violence, Gore, Al (there I just mentioned him), sex (both sexes actually), and also I may just mention myself.....a lot. I have uncovered hands (there's the partial nudity). And I've just used a lot of language. Anyway Al Gore is great. He invented the internet. If it wasn't for the internet I wouldn't be able to send you e-mail. So props to Al Gore. Anyway that's a long enough disclaimer

The Cantaloupe

Ahhhhhh...another issue of the Cantaloupe. The second greatest melon, slightly better than watermelon (although really good watermelon takes cantaloupe) and slightly worse than honeydew. I think today I shall keep this introduction short and sweet.

Trevor's Brain-No you should drag it out for all it's worth!
Trevor-I refuse. My readers don't want mindless babble.
Trevor's Brain- Oh trust me, they'll read it no matter if it's good or not. Remember it's Quantity over quality
Trevor-Well you may think so, but it's not going to happen
Trevor's Brain-Well it might hurt you then to notice we've been talking about nothing for 5 or so lines
Trevor's Pants-Hey we're just pants, we don't have any opinion

And there we go. Dragging it out mercilessly has won. And to the victor goes the spoils.

Alberta's Other City

So last weekend I was up in Edmonton. Or by the time you start reading this another weekend shall have passed. Well you all know I'm from Calgary and there's this sort of thing between our two cities. Well here's what I really think of Edmonton. It's great. Really great. Am I being sarcastic? Do you think I'm being sarcastic? Well let's say this Edmonton is still better than Winnipeg. Of course that's based upon the fact that I have no readers in Winnipeg and a few in Edmonton and you know I wouldn't want to insult my readers. Of course while I may like other places better than say Edmonton, I still refuse to step foot in a place such as Castor, Alberta (Home of the Castor Raiders). I mean can you imagine? I'd be in someone's house and they'd innocently have a knife, or scissors or anything sharp and I'd be running immediately. Let's just say this. I've got a wife and kids to think about here.

Letters, We Got Letters, We got Sacks and Sacks Of Letters

Well not that much. I'd still love to get more letters and stuff from all of you. But now is the time when I shall answer some questions from all of you.First of all I was asked how I can write a newsletter about myself and not sound conceited. Are you sure? I thought I was conceited already, but I must be mistaken. Well don't worry, I can change that. I'm the best. I rule. Yeah Yeah Yeah. Is that better? Oh wait, you think she meant con-creted? Well to tell you the truth I have one of the world's only computers that is also a cement mixer. Isn't that ingenious? Unfortunately a lot of things in this room tend to get buried in concrete. Fortunately I'm not one of them yet. But yeah she meant conceited. I must now admit, I'm very proud that someone has followed my advice and forwarded my random nonsense along. How do I know? Well I got email from a girl I don't even know. This made me happy. Soon the entire world will fall under my power. Of course that could be bad considering I'd most likely screw it up. Anyway she claims that penguins are only third after the squirrel and gnome kingdoms or something. Well to tell you the truth, the squirrels used to be in control until I ran over their leader with my car. I'm sorry but the world anyways has and always will be under the reign of penguins. True, at times they let someone else take them over, but that's only because they'd rather just waddle around and jump in water than have supreme rule. That doesn't change the fact that they own.
Why do I send this to myself? Rather than just putting it in my sent messages folder? Well that's really simple. I don't actually have a sent messages folder. You see I have Hotmail and what I have is a Inkorgen, Skrappost, Skickade Meddelanden, Utkast and Papperskorgen. I don't see any sent messages folder. But despite that, don't you like getting email once and a while too? Who cares if it's from yourself?

Going to dinner

Response is fading from my questions. This week I only got two responses to my last question about me and a famous person eating together and what's so funny? That's very disappointing. I know you all can do better. Well okay, not all, the two who sent things can not get better, at least in regards to writing me mail.

"if you were to dine with a famous person, it would be Barney the Dinosaur, because he's cool but a bit unpopular these days. Eating with you would do wonders for his carreer. The reptilian creature will treat you to a feast of figs, his favorite middle-eastern food. Then, his instinctual dinosaur urge that caused his removal from children's television will surface and you'll fight for your life as he tries to snack on your head. In the nick of time, you'll be rescued by a stray bullet from a driveby shooting a couple blocks away."-Nathan W, Calgary, AB
Hey, Nathan, that's two weeks in a row! That's good enough to make you READER OF THE WEEK! I'm very proud of you. As for the dinner i must admit that I DO live in Whitehorn. We have drive-by shooting every day. I mean I live in the hood. Or at least I say I do.

"I think I'd pick Adam Sandler. You two would go out to a big chinese buffet somewhere, Load up your plates and only end up eating half then start a huge food fight in the restaraunt. The waiters(ninjas) would come out in karatee outfits yelling"Hi Yah!" And would attempt to attack but you guys would do some matrix moves and finish them all off. Then you'd walk out of the restaraunt, with corny hero music playing in the background."-Kate Van K., Red Deer, AB
Ahhh, what would movies be without anonymous henchmen. I mean someday what I wouldn't give to play an anonymous henchman. That'd be the life. You walk onto the set, get beat up by a famous movie star and then sit pretty sipping iced tea by the beach. We need a beach in Calgary by the way. Global warming where are you when we need you?

My All-Time 8th Favourite Holiday

Guess what's coming up, say on...SATURDAY! A great, grand fantastic day. Should I elaborate? I suspect many of you already know. I starts with a V and rhymes with Mallontines Day. Well I love this day. Why? Because I love all days. But still there's something really fun about being single on Valentine's Day. First of all it brings back good memories of eating pizza. And getting paid to eat that pizza. Yeah that was 3 years ago and well that day changed my life forever. Speaking of this coming up Valentine's Day...I'm currently not doing anything. Now I'm not hinting anything to you people, but I'm free all day. ALL DAY! I mean if there's ever a party day, it's got to be the V-Day.

(Note-Isn't it odd that we think so fondly of a day commemorating a guy who got brutally killed?)

This Week's Question

"If you were to make any one completely pointless law for Canada to put into the legal system, what would it be and why?"

There you go. Work hard and if you hand the assignment in late....well too bad, but I'll have to dock you marks. Now two weeks ago I promised to have contests in last week's issue. If you read last week's issue, there was no contests. I had a great idea, unfortunately I now forget what that idea was. So I'll just think of another one. Well to tell you the truth I was contemplating "Win a Date with Trevor" but that would flood my inbox too full and it would also only be open to half the population. Well okay I'll keep thinking and maybe I'll have a good contest by next week.

Inside Joke of The Week (That maybe a reader or two will understand)

I saw an exit sign on Thursday. Lots of fun. Looking back on it, we had the most hilariously awkward conversation ever. But what do you expect, me to say "Hey guess what? I know where you live!" No that'd seem kinda strange. Or "Remember me, you ended up being in our political party, that, you know, used your phone number backwards in our bill". No I don't think so. Ahhhh....high school was fun. To be more specific I'm very sad that Nolan's graduation quote got edited. Without a girl's name and HIS phone number. Loads of fun. And to think it all began on Valentine's Day. True love. Good times.

Shameless Plug

Survivor: All Stars 9:00 Thursdays

Watch it. I mean I'm a HUGE fan of doing things just because other people telling you to. Actually I'm not, but I am a big fan of YOU doing things just because I tell you to. In conclusion I like selling out. If only I could find someone to pay me to advertise their product. Anyway own a company that's willing to donate to my causes? Please. Anyway talk to yous next week

YVR / Trevor / Me

(The Cantaloupe is not copyright anyone, year anytime. If you want to republish, rebroadcast without my expressed written permission, or that of Major League Bass Fishing, go right ahead, because legally I'm not a squash. In fact I encourage you to do so, providing that you don't proceed to hunt me down and send me in the mail to Castor)