Squirt Into Your Thirsty Eyes

The Cantaloupe

Hey! Remember me? The guy who sends you emails every week (seemingly Tuesdays)? Well yeah I had an unfortunate thing happen to me today. I almost died! Of course the car that almost hit me was a few meters away but if I had been magically transported to the spot where the car was going to hit, I could have died!!! And in that light, I'm glad to be alive and able to write you all another fantabulous newsletter. Perhaps you shall laugh until say....you die. But I hope that doesn't happen as I would be liable for it as I caused it and you know what happens then.....right.....? Yep I become controversial and therefore very famous and rich. And I don't want that right???

If Men are From Mars, Wouldn't Women be From France??

During the course of this section I shall attempt to solve humanity greatest conflict. The battle (or differences, but I prefer battle) of the sexes. First of all I heard someone tell me last week that estrogen gives them headaches. Now I consulted a doctor on this and they told me that there is no proof that such a statement is true. Well then I started to think about it and I realized "Men don't have estrogen, we have testosterone". And the person who said this quote was a guy. Maybe he has something to hide? Truth be told, there's nothing wrong with being a girly guy or wearing girl's pants now is there??? IS THERE?? Not to say anyone that does or anything. You have no proof. You can't see into my closet. Let's move on.

Gender Bender

Notice I never really answered the initial thing I was trying to say. You'll notice I do things like that. I pose a question and go off on a ridiculous tangent. Well....that's okay because I don't know what a backspace key is anyway. Or do I? So yeah my comment on the whole men vs. women thing is you all have no hope of ever understanding it, because you'll never ever truly be both in a lifetime. One may try, but you have to be one to understand. Personally I'd say it's better to look at it this way. Or I could just say girls are beautiful. Especially all of you that I'm sending this newsletter to. See I know that much about girls. They like to hear how attractive they are. Oh wait, I do too. Let's move on.

Random Thought Of The Day

Guys don't ever seem to remember their girlfriend's birthdays/anniversary. What would happen if you didn't remember Remembrance Day??? I mean isn't that the day when you remember all the things you've forgotten over the year? How could you possibly forget?

Bonus Random Thought, Also Of A Day

If your name is Christian, I hope you date a non-Christian

Questions, Questions, Questions

Well it's that time of the newsletter again where I go to my favourite thing, the questions. Okay well maybe it's not my favourite thing, but a lot of you are pretty funny. I love your responses to last weeks question, I promise you will see the results in next weeks column. However since I'm getting so much fan response this week...I have decided to ask you another question.

"If I (yep, that's right, Trevor) had dinner with any famous person, who would it be, what would be for dinner, and what's so funny about it?"

Now right let's get back to my questions at hand. I was asked this week this question"would you approve of a world takeover organized by penguins? thus a world government solely run by penguins?"

The World The Way It Once Was (And Still Is)

This question brought me back to my high school days. Back when I had a model parliament party founded with this point as a major principle. I believe one sign said "Penguins rule the world: So this election means nothing anyway". So there you have it. Would I approve of a world penguin takeover? Well I'll tell you this, I wouldn't be quoted on record being against it, or you might not ever hear from me again. And considering all the secret benefits I'm getting....personally I don't mind it. All major global events of the last 20 or so years have been organized by penguins. I hate to draw you back to my hotmail address, but it's true. There might be two objections you have with all of this. Why wouldn't I hear of this if it were so? You think people would be happy if they found they were governed by penguins? I don't think they would and inter-species peace is always a good thing. Second question-If the penguins were so secretive why would they tolerate me telling you all this? Because none of you will seriously believe me. And wouldn't it seem far more plausible if a guy like me DIDN'T say it? Of course I could ask a third question like "why did I just tell you that last piece of evidence" but that would bring on an infinite amount of questions and I don't yet have infinite time so lets' move on. (Hey my girliness didn't even cause me to say that this time)

Long Farewell Goodnight

Remember always-"Don't do milk, get eight hours of drugs and drink lots of sleep" -Quote of The Week (Mr. T, SNL parody version)
But that holds true for us today. If we do that we shall have eternal youth, or at least with all the drugs we are taking we shall think it to be true. Whatever.Send me your thoughts, jokes (not forwards, GRRRRR to them, but that's a topic for a future column), questions and random whatever. Maybe I'll even think of sending prizes. I mean that would be kinda fun now wouldn't it??? In fact I HEART that idea greatly so it shall be included in my next column I promise. Cya all and to all a great night.

YVR / Trevor / Me

(The Cantaloupe is not copyright anyone, year anytime. If you want to republish, rebroadcast without my expressed written permission, or that of Major League Baseball, go right ahead, because legally I can't do squat. In fact I encourage you to do so)