Is That A Sweet Date or What?

The Cantaloupe

I must say this to begin today's newsletter. I never thought this would go as well as it has. I doubted I could stick out something new and original once a week. But it's becoming apparent that I can. At least I can now. I mean if I take a week off you won't crucify me will you? Hmmm....do I even want to take the chance. I hear crucifixion is rather painful. And since I now gave you that idea, I'd better keep the newsletters rolling rather than going through such pain.

And the Oscar goes to...Football To The Groin

Two weeks ago I asked what would happen if you (the reader) and me were stuck in a movie. Well I took the best and brightest of the responses (or all the responses in other words) and well there they are below with my personal comments thrown in.

"if you and I were stuck in a movie together... For some reason flinstones poped into my head right away, you remind me of barney sometimes. I dont know why though. Possibly because I could see you pushing around a dinosoure as a lawn mower... Hmm, Ill have to think about that. but yes, that would be the movie."-Katie B. (Calgary, AB)
To tell you the truth I wouldn't mind mowing the lawn with a dinosaur.

"trevor and I are to star in an upcoming romantic drama where we fight for the affection of a duck, which we believe to be a princess in disguise. in the process, we the world is threatened by a giant tidal wave. we sacrifice our lives to save the world in a noble effort to win the affections of the web-footed creature - only to realise, in our dying moments, that we actually were fighting over the wrong duck ... who was in fact, a duck.this movie also stars John Travolta, as the dancing tree."-Nathan W. (Calgary, AB)
At least I end up a hero, right? And it would be better than some of John Travolta's movies. And by some I mean....all...okay not all....but let's just begin by saying the words Battlefield and Earth in the same sentence.

"Well Trevor, obviously if we were to be trapped in a movie together, the plot is simple: sitting on theatre chairs, surrounded by surround sound, and stuffing our faces on lots and lots of popcorn. Of course there would be a many hushed sarcastic comments along the way, maybe the odd scurry out to the toilet and back, and a some kernals of popcorn thrown a few rows ahead. I highly doubt the plot summarized above would take forever, as most fall within the 2-3 hour length average. What kind of a movie would it be? Well if we were so inspired to escape, it would have to be either a very bad one or starring Ben Affleck. Or both. And how would we escape? Either during or after the movie, it's simple. Use the door."-Lauren H (England currently, speaking of which when I said two countries I meant three, same number basically right? but from Calgary, AB)
Speaking of Ben Affleck you have to feel kinda sorry for him. I mean he makes millions of dollars for being the laughing stock of well....me and others. At least he's got J.Lo to fall back on....right? I mean seriously did anyone mind Bennifer? It allowed us to double our efficiency! We now could mock two people with one mock. If it was up to me, they'd have to remain a couple forever just because they both suck. Two words for you. Gigli.
And Pretzels. mmmm.....pretzels.

It Seems Almost Hypocritical

Have I ever mentioned I dislike forwards? Yes, well good because I'm about to do it again. I hate forwards. To tell the truth sometimes I don't even mind so much receiving them as they give the appearance I get more email than I do. However there's a bunch of different types of forwards and I will lump them into groups and address each individually. Addressing individually unlike what I'm doing now to you all.

Romantic/Friendship/Love-This group will have some sort of message then end off by saying that I'll have bad luck in love if I don't pass this on. However one thing to remember is until my face is horribly disfigured I think I'll be fine thank you. I got the goods. Yes I got pretzels thank you very much.

"Christian"- Ahhhh.....my all time favourite group. Even these vary greatly. There a lot that start off with "Isn't it funny that eg. the worlds going to hell, blah blah blah" No it isn't funny! Isn't it funny that I've received this email about 800 times? Again let's go with No. But finally let's go with the kicker "If you love Jesus, you will forward this to 15+ people". Now let's say I die right now. Will you hear this conversation?

Jesus- Sorry, Trevor, you can't get into heaven, you didn't forward the email to enough people.
Trevor- D'oh!
Jesus- Why couldn't you have just passed on one of those poorly thought out messages in my name? I mean when someone says "If you love Jesus you'll pass this on", there's no way out. When I created the world, I made it so if someone says something, it HAS to be true.
Trevor- I guess you're right. Well I'm off to spend eternity in ultimate anguish and pain.

Trevor's All Time Personal Favourite- This one had an amazing beginning. Here's how it went off.

Bill Gates- We have too many people using hotmail. I mean the more people that use hotmail the more money I get, right? I need to somehow stop it.
Employee- Well you could send a forward that says "If you don't forward this to X amount of people we'll remove you from Hotmail"
Bill Gates- But how do we know they've received a message like that, I mean knowing that we can't actually read people's emails ourselves?
Employee- Hopefully they'll delete themselves

Yep that's the case folks although I think most people have smartened up to this one. It's kinda like all those viruses that magically pass themselves to people in your contact list. Oh wait, I still get warned about those. But nothing tops the "We're too rich, Get off hotmail" idea. Brilliant!

Quote Of The Week

Actually from an email forward I received this week"An original is ALWAYS worth more than a copy."You know I've been really negative towards forwards, but they're not all that bad. In fact I'll let you in on a little secret. If you want to live, I suggest forwarding this to at least 15 people, because all who don't have been known to die....someday. In fact I've been really negative overall during this newsletter, at least during all the parts I wrote, so how about I write a happy thing okay?The other day I saw a really cute bunny. It was so cute. Yes it was. You're a cute bunny, aren't you? Aren't you? Uhhh....okay not so much happy. More so disturbing. Fine then. Just remember, what has Larry done for you lately? Nothing! That's right. NOTHING! Don't trust in Larry. Larry won't provide for you no matter what anyone says. Keep sending questions, responses, emails of fun etc. for me to answer because I will pretty much get to all of them at some point. And hopefully next newsletter has less rants and more fun. Thank you, goodnight.

YVR / Trevor / Me

(The Cantaloupe is not copyright anyone, year anytime. If you want to republish, rebroadcast without my expressed written permission, or that of Major League Baseball, go right ahead, because legally I can't do squat. In fact I encourage you to do so)