Rave The Whales

The Cantaloupe

I've been writing these practically all year. 2004 appears to be the year of the Cantaloupe. Yesterday I checked with the Chinese calendar and it actually is the year of the Cantaloupe. Which I thought was kinda strange because usually it's things like the year of the pig or ox or snake. Well it seems I've got a large following in China, because it's the year of the Cantaloupe.

The Catastrophe of Modern Life

Yesterday I was having a msn conversation with a girl and she told me about a law in some US state that you can't have an elephant without a leash. Well this reminded me of our good old friend Yerov. Remember him? The hard-working Russian farmer. Well recently he ran upon hard times in mother Russia. So he moved his family and all his livestock into the states. Well one day his elephant was getting restless on the leash so Yerov thought "I might as well let him run around for a little bit". Well the next day a policeman came to Yerov's house and confiscated his elephant! Of all the outrages, this kind of thing should not be tolerated! The policeman claimed the elephant trampled a couple little girls. Well who trusts a policeman's word for it anyway? And if the cost of changing an outdated law is a couple little girls' lives well that's something we need to be prepared to pay. They probably stepped under the elephant's feet anyway.
Now you see the kids parents on TV acting like they want to win the Oscar. I mean the crying act. It's getting a little old people! You can always have more kids. They're replaceable. It doesn't even cost money to buy one, but you most certainly can't say that about an elephant.

My Genius Idea

I've discovered the cure for all the world's problems. It's a fool proof philosophy. To solve the problem take the problem and add to the problem the opposite of the problem. This works in math. A + (-)A = 0 is that not correct? Well therefore it should work in real life too. Therefore I should have the cure for cancer. To do such a thing we must find the opposite of cancer. First what is cancer? Cancer is painful, cancer takes long time to get rid of, cancer grows. So if you find the opposite of that you cure cancer. Well I've decided that jolly ranchers shrink in your mouth, they're gone in minutes and they enjoyable. Therefore jolly ranchers cure cancer. Of course remember based on studies performed by scientists, everything causes cancer. Well, everything BUT jolly ranchers.

Overdue Questions

Well looking back at my email...I missed a few questions that were asked. Well okay I didn't miss them, because when did I ever promise to answer them right away? Well whatever because I'm getting to them now.
My favourite emailer from the province of Saskatchewan who's getting married in just over 5 months asks "if you could make up any word, what would it be". To clarify the above sentence I think there's only one person who could email me from Saskatchewan. Well you all could, but you'd first have to go to Saskatchewan. And also I believe there's only two people on my list getting married in 5 months. I know I'm not. Okay I would consider one of those Britney Spears marriages of one day. Although I'd beat her and get mine annulled in 5 minutes. Well personally I wish someone would use my name for a word. Why not a synonym for beautiful? Doesn't "you're so trevor tonight" sound romantic? Or maybe my name could be a slang greeting. Like "Trevor, dude". Unfortunately my name is more than likely going to be a carpet brand name.
Then I got this letter

"Dear Yerov, I know that girls find me so inexplicably handsome, I mean sometimes I can't even leave my house for fear of the onslaught of womanly attention my hot looks attract. It's to much for some days, I just wanna know how I can let the women of the world down without being to harsh."-Devin Reimer. Calgary, AB.
Well I must admit...I'm not actually Yerov, but I understand since we have such close connections. The problem with Yerov is he's not really a ladies' man. Well in a way he is. Helga, his wife of almost 18 years thinks he's her man. And he is. And she is a lady. And to tell you the truth Yerov doesn't really know much about being inexplicably handsome, he's kinda homely. You know blue-collar working man. So I gained his permission to answer this myself. As you all know I am irresistible. Well there are simple ways to let girls down without being too harsh. Here are a few of them.
-"I'm gay". Now of course you'd be lying here, but if there's anything that makes girls leave faster it's saying you're gay. The problem that might arise is when you all of a sudden want to find a girl...and well with how attractive you are...that may just cause gay folk to swarm you. So let's scratch this idea.
-"You're ugly". Oops you just got punched in the faceTo tell you the truth there's nothing you can do to stop these girls from liking you. They're bound to stick posters of you on their walls. Scream every time they see you. The best way I've found to deal with this is to carry around a bucket of tomatoes. Every time a girl screams, you lob a tomato at her mouth. If you miss, you should hit something else of her and well it's all good. And the girls will be like "Ahhhh...I just got hit with his tomato" and trust me, they'll still be happy, but who's going to complain about a life of constantly hitting people with tomatoes.

Question Of The Decade

"What should I (Trevor McPlett) do that's completely crazy, but still fun enough that I might actually do it?"
eg. About two weeks ago, my school had sock day. You were supposed to wear your fanciest pair of socks. Well that's no fun. Nobody can see what's on your feet if they're covered by shoes and pants. So I tied my hair back in pigtails, then I tied socks around each pigtail. Tada! And it was fabulous. I need something challenging yet do-able. If you think of something really awesome I will do it. Then I will write about my experiences doing it. It's a double whammy. I get column material. C'mon hit me baby, one more time. By the way, I expect each and every one of you to answer this question. If not, I'll have to uhhhh.....overlook it. And you wouldn't want that to happen now, would you?

Ladies and Gentlemen. Our Feature Presentation

Want to know the origins of my name? Well quote from meself circa 2001.

Cantaloupe, O valuably constructed cantaloupe
Why are you so crisp?
Shake your crust o cantaloupe, cantaloupe so fine
Oh you happy fruit so good. Good crisp and cool
Cantaloupe orange, cantaloupe blue, cantaloupe the shape of a crescent moon
Itch, itch, horrible itch. Thou art no like cantaloupe.
Cantaloupe rolling down a slope.
STOP!
STOP NOW!
NO!
Cantaloupe broken in half, why I must resort to laugh.
Ha ha you aint' gonna never beat my honeydew
Honeydew will do. Cantaloupe is done

Yep that it. The piece behind it all. Why Cantaloupe and not honeydew? Cantaloupe sounds better. I think I've set a record for saying the name of my newsletter (The Cantaloupe) the most times inside. I don't think I've ever had to type Cantaloupe as many times as I am now. In fact it's been twenty times so far plus at least one in my legal disclaimer. So yeah. Tune in next week when I discus the cubic zirconium in all its glory!

YVR / Trevor / Myself

(The Cantaloupe is not copyright anyone, year anytime. If you want to republish, rebroadcast without my expressed written permission, or that of Louisiana State Bass Shopping Registries, go right ahead, because legally you're going to become a newt. Don't worry. It'll get better)