Made From Recycled Material

The Cantaloupe

Is it just me or has it been really warm outside as of late? Does anybody notice the only cold season we have left is the summer? It's a bit confusing I must say. I also remember writing in March about how all it did in Calgary winter was NOT snow and it proceeded to snow directly after that. Either way I don't mind a little bit of snow so whatever. Not that I remember what snow is or anything. Global warming? Perhaps. However a more likely theory is that our thermomaters and bodies have simply began to feel more heat than usual. Anyone? Maybe? Couldn't it be true? No. Okay. Either way, what I can do is bring back another one of my old school reoccuring characters that you haven't seen for while. Maybe I'll bring back more. But yeah, that's what this issue will be all about.Also for those of you who wonder why I'd write something like this now, when it just snowed, yes I did write this before it snowed. And I don't check weather reports. Thank you very much. Back to the reoccuring characters.

The Town Of Cantelot Is Taken!

When we left the story of SirVR in the town of Cantelot a great storm had solved the problem of the littering dragon Retwinkle. The villagers had finally regrown their left legs. Everything was peaceful and calm. They hadn't seen either Retwinkle or McFrancination (the insider trading dragon) for a couple of months actually. The noble SirVR was getting bored with all the lack of problems going on. There wasn't even enough corruption to get him good pay. Then one day when he went to look from the tallest hill in the village he noticed a band of unruly barbarians headed for the town. "Hmmmm", he said, "that's not something you see every day". He then proceeded to take his usual afternoon nap. He was awakened by a loud commotion taking place outside. Assuming it was mearly some poor citizen being beaten and robbed he thought to himself, "That's hardly worth my time, the people in this town don't pay very well." So he went about. Later that day we went outside and there was nobody left in the streets. It was deathly quiet except the crackle of flames coming from two or three buildings. SirVR was a little astonished. He looked around town and he found markings on the buildings. "It's the Vandoths", he exclaimed! The Vandoths were a terrible people, known for sacking villages, stealing all their people and then at some point, telling those people innappropriate jokes. Many of these jokes weren't even funny. SirVR was sad for the people of the town. They'd never again see their homes or anything. Then he had an awful thought, "If there's no people, who's going to bribe me to look the other way!" That settled it. SirVR would courageously ride out in search of the Vandoths and engage them. So he mounted his trusted ostrich and beemed with confidence. After riding for a couple days he encountered something strange. There was a unicorn in the woods. Rumor had it that if you caught in unicorn in those times you would live for Ever. Ever was this really cool guy who made playing cards of all the best knights and SirVR knew that if he caught a unicorn he could make it onto one of the cards. So he set out after the unicorn only to realize that once he was well into the forest that it wasn't a regular forest, but a troll infested forest. Now the trolls in this story aren't the cute little things with really tall blue (or other color) hair that you always think about when you hear about trolls. These things were vicious! And they had caught the unicorn! So with his dreams dashed, SirVR tried to get out of the forest, but he wasn't quick enough. The trolls caught him and just before they ate him, there was a breath of hot air and the trolls all scurried off. SirVR looked up and who did he see, but McFrancination the dragon. "You've saved me!" he exclaimed graciously. "Naw, I didn't do anything noble," the dragon replied, "I have stock in a company competing against the trolls, I'm simply helping myself out here". SirVR wasn't too surprised by this, knowing McFrancination had that insider trading instinct many dragons have. In fact, he asked what company McFrancination had stock in and bought some stock in it himself before he went on again. After a three month trek he finally caught up to the marauding Vandoths in a place known as "The Valley Of Cuddling". He triumphantly marched straight into the tent of the Vandoth leader, Rumigern, who was just now telling a Cantelot villager something about his deceased grandparents. SirVR asked Rumigern why he had sacked the town and captured its people. "To sell them as slaves of course," Rumigern replied. "Makes sense," said SirVR, "however I've got a problem. These people bribe me a lot of money so I can maintain the appearance of order in their town. I can't really afford to lose that money. So I suppose I'll have to rescue them now." Rumigern waved his hand through his bushy beard and gave a pondering face, then he raised his eyebrows and smiled. "I'd like the money I get from selling these people too. However I know of another town near here called Duorfsil and not only do they need someone like you, but they have moderately more attractive women than Cantelot ever had". SirVR didn't need to hear anymore. He moved to the town of Duorfsil where he continued his corrupt ways. The Vandoths sold the Cantelot people as slaves and dragons roamed free across the land. Everyone was happy. Well, except the Cantelot peoples. They weren't.

What Became of Chile

Since I'm recounting previous characters and stories used I'd like to talk about how the year has been for Eduardo Perez (you may remember him as the farmer who wanted to sell llama meat on eBay). Eduardo Perez was chased out of the country after the llamas took power and moved to Venezuela. Once he got to Venezuela, he went to work for his brother-in-law Miguel Tito. Miguel didn't have many animals on his farm. Mostly just caterpillars. You see caterpillars are to Venezuela what coffee beans are to Columbia. It's a big business. Eduardo got a job watching these caterpillars. Now as you can imagine Eduardo was a little wary of his new flocks learning strange tricks. So anytime he saw a caterpillar doing a handstand or a triple axle, he'd hit it with a stick. That way he figured they would not want to do anymore weird things. Now obviously, the caterpillars had different plans. One day, Eduardo went in to check on the caterpillars and they had done the strangest thing! They learned to fly! Flying caterpillars! Of course they had also morphed into something with wings, but FLYING CATERPILLARS! Who could have seen that one coming? Miguel was furious! "How could you let this happen?" he screamed at his brother. Then he fired him. But Eduardo can't be blamed completely for this phenomenon. Officials throughout Venezuela began noticing the same thing happening with many caterpillars. Somehow they had learned to fly! Scientists were shocked by this move. And to this day, caterpillars around the world are learning to fly in droves and morphing into flying caterpillars. They may be somewhere around your house. Be wary. Nobody ever suspects the flying caterpillar. Eduardo didn't and they fluttered around his meadow. His meadow! Is nothing sacred??

Questions and Gerbils

I've got a question for you. And the question is as follows:
"With the flying caterpillar phenomenon rapidly intensifying, knowing the fact that these insects fly around butter, should we give these creatures some sort of nickname and how do we deal with them?"
It's near the end of November, and the beginning of something new, and just so you know, the Cantaloupe will not repeat any previous issues. Just so you know. I thought you might be worried so I cleared that up. And in the same thought, I'd like you all to know I have not recently exploded in a blaze of glory. And the Cincinnati Bengals and Los Angeles Clippers did not become respectable...Don't worry about a thing.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Avocado Brown Canary-Yellow Dark-Blue Ebony Fuchsia Green Hamburger Indigo Jet-Black Kettle-Black Lime-Green Magenta New-Cyan Orange Purple Quartz Red Sky-Blue Turquoise Ultra-Violet White Xtremely-Pink Yellow Zimbabwe-White. All the colors of the rainbow. The coolest color by far of course is "Hamburger". I like that one. It's what I painted the walls of my room)

What You Learn From Aluminum

The Cantaloupe

Hey guys, it's another week and it's getting nearer and nearer to the end of the year and the dreaded Y2K6 virus that everyone's been talking about for the last three hundred years. The one that will cause planes to do round-abouts and pens won't have any more ink. So in preparation for that there are many things that you'll need to do or else perish in a freak headphone strangling accident. First of all, you need to find a good hideout once the killer toasters go on their rampage. I suggest you either move to Antarctica or get rid of your toaster, whatever is easier. However another thing to consider is the rumours. You see there are rumours that after January 1, 2006 happens there will be no more slurpee machines. And is a world without slurpees even worth living in? That's a question you'll have to answer in the coming month and a half before the world is crippled.

You Know I Think It's A Big Joke

Let me tell you something I've figured out and don't tell the government or Martha Stewart anything that I'll tell you now...I don't think there is such a thing as the Y2K6 virus. I think it's an overreaction. By now I'm pretty confident our computer systems can withstand anything. I mean c'mon it's not really a big year or anything either. Why would 2006 be that big a year? I don't have a clue. So why all the commotion? Personally I'm still a little bit frightened. You see you really don't know what could happen once it becomes 2006. It's never been 2006 A.D. before. For all we know gravity could all of a sudden start working backwards and we'll be flung out into space and realize that we'd been lied to all along, because space actually has breathable oxygen and we find it a blissful experience. I'm just scared that in the first few days that I mistakenly write down the wrong year like a sucker. People could mock me! Maybe I'll feel a little bit stupid! That'd be really intimidating! Maybe just so I don't do that, I'll begin writing the year 2006 on everything right now! That way I'll have a lot of practice. I can sign and date before I really have to.

Benign Vernacular Reticent

In place of readers offering to donate my their liver or answering questions or whatever it is they do in a usual issue, today I will answer questions from the readers.
Mike W. asks"when the silly men in white suits hunt you down what is the best thing to do:1) laugh like a loon untill they are forced to gag you, 2) Run like a fox, 3) lock yourself in a room and sing "i'll never tell.....anyone" over and over, 4) just sit there and eat your bowl of oatmeal, 5) start to talk, and don't shut up till they beg for mercy or knock you out, 6) self medicate, it will save them time, 7) find a soap box and in the middle of rush hour stasnd on your box and tell everyone the world is going to end in impossible ways like nuclear war, 8) tell the guys it's not you they want, but your room mate, and laugh evilly after they take away your protecting room mate, 9) all of the above"
First I must ask a question of my own. What kind of men are these men in white suits? I mean men mostly wear suits for special occasions or occasionallly for their proffession. These of course are usually black. For girls, white is often reserved for wedding garb. Often men go against this female tradition and wear black suits anyways as if they were at a funeral. But I suppose these men you talk about are some sort of wedding party. They are wearing white. I certainly wouldn't want to act rude around men celebrating such a happy occasion. I suppose if they were there to get my roommate (and if it was my roommate's wedding) I'd definitely help them out by telling them it's him they want not me. What? Would I get married to his fiance without telling him. That'd be a little cruel. I'll take option eight, but my laughing wouldn't be so much evil, but a gleeful laugh of someone who's happy for their friend.
Alisha R. asks"Why are you all up in my Kool-aid when you don't even know my flavor??"
Well Alisha, I'm very sorry that I was all up in your Kool-Aid. You see I'm curious sort of person. When I see a fridge I HAVE TO look inside. And once I look inside and see an opaque pitcher of something I want to have a drink. Well you see I wanted to ask what flavor it was, but you weren't home at the time, so how could I ask? But yeah, I know that's the lazy answer. I wasn't originally planning on having any of your Kool-Aid. When I broke into your house in the first place all I was looking for were valuables of some kind. But all that looting and carrying off of things made me a little tired and I wanted a drink. That fridge of course does its own beckoning. So I drank a glass of Kool-Aid. That's when I started to feel bad. "I've wronged her in some way," I said to myself, "I've came into this girl's house, carried off her things, and on top of all of that, I've drank her Kool-Aid without first asking her what flavor it is." I felt terrible, so I went to my now full van of stolen items and replaced absolutely EVERYTHING I took. No longer could I take those things without knowing I'd compromised my integrity. But there was one thing I could not replace: the glass of Kool-Aid. So I apologize sincerely right now and I hope you can forgive me. I'll make it up to you shortly I promise. So sometime next week when I see nobody at your house, I'll do it again, but properly this time. I'll leave nothing of worth. But before I go to your fridge and drink your Kool-Aid, I'll search your house high and dry until I find your cell phone number, then I'll call and before I drink Kool-Aid I'll ask, "What flavor of Kool-Aid do you have in your fridge". You'll tell me, "Grape". And I'll be like, "Wow! I thought purple was strawberry! I guess it was good I asked." Then I'll drink of the Kool-Aid and I'll have nothing to regret. This doesn't just apply to you either. Whenever I'm breaking and/or entering I'll consider this principle. Don't be up in anybody's Kool-Aid unless I know their flavor.
Amy L. asks"what would you chose between a bubble butt or a square head?"
Well this question is a complicated one. I'd choose the bubble butt, because your butt already is kinda in the shape of a bubble. It's certainly round. A square head, while it would give you the respect of your peers (who'd be in awe), would unneccesarily elevate you above them. And who wants to be looked at as some sort of "god"? Not me, that's for sure.

Quote Of The Week Or The Month Or Something

"All I had to eat today is candy....no wait, that was steak"
-Melissa C.

By the way, Melissa, I'd like to take this oppertunity to let you know that I'm not making fun of you by repeating this quote. I just found it one of the most amusing quotes I had heard for a while. Anyways you should be pleased that you were included in such a prestigious publication such as this, one so prestigious that you have to generally send me ANYTHING to get included in issues, or in your case, nothing. I did tell you though. Just don't expect that courtesy next time.

Somewhere In Outer Space

God has prepared a place. Oh wait, that's a little kid's song. But a really cool one at that. But on to more pressing issues such as me closing out this article with a bang. That's not really pressing though, so I'll just end now.

Trevor YVR Plett

("Somewhere In Outer Space, God has prepared a place for those who trust him and obey. Jesus will come again, although we don't know when". That's all I know. There's more to the song, but I don't remember it. I just remember singing it back when I was little and I was in Sunday School. Good times. Although I prefer "Read Your Bible, Pray Every Day and you'll grow, grow, grow. And you'll grow, grow, grow. And you'll grow, grow, grow". That's fun. Or "Deep and Wide" when you get rid of all the words. "______ and ______, _______ and _______. There's a ________ ________ _________ and ________". I did have fun humming the words you couldn't say. It's a shame I can't sing those songs anymore. That's why I'm glad I lied when I said that.)

Generic and the Sit Down Meal

Generic And The Sit Down Meal

A year ago around this time there was a presidential election. The Cantaloupe became the president of whatever it was we were running for. Oh yes, president. The loser of the election, Tim Generic is a natural politician, but a politician needs to get voted in. So unfortunately our friend Tim had to do other things to make ends meet. He tried a few things, but eventually he became a waiter at the fancy restaurant Tishimundi's. This is one night of his employment there...

TIM GENERIC- Hello, I'll be your waiter today, Tim Generic. Thank you for supporting the Tishimundi's campaign. Our mission is to bring you the best food we can no matter what those bureaucrats in Washington have to say about it!

GUY- Aren't you supposed to ask us if we want drinks now?

TG- I will not apologize for bringing change to this establishment. For far too long our system has been outdated with people being asked about drinks right away. Before we get hasty with our decisions we need to sit back, form a committee and determine in your best interests if we need to ask you if you want drinks. Only once we go through due process will I be able to question you properly.

GUY- Whatever dude, just bring me a Coke

GIRL- How much is a raspberry smoothie?

TG- With the cost of smoothies rising at an alarming rate we may have to enact measures to keep them affordable for your average citizens. Studies show a great disparity between those who can purchase smoothies and those who cannot. I have worked long and hard to keep smoothies accessable to people from every table, bar stool or pulled out chair. Smoothies are something that makes us as people who we are. It's a symbol of freedom that nobody can take away from us. To buy a smoothie is to be able to have a sense of pride. Just because one has less money than another is no reason to deprive someone of their pride.

GUY- Look, I'm taking my girlfriend out for food. I'm paying. I don't care how much it costs. She is getting the smoothie.

TG- I hereby would like to table a motion. This is Bill H7-70 also known as the "Drinks Bill". The motion calls for this guy to recieve a coke and the girl to recieve a raspberry smoothie. The floor is now open for debate.

GUY- Dude, that's what we asked for. Of course it's what we want

SARAH DOLDROMS- Not so fast, I have an objection

GIRL- (whispering) Who's that?

TG- It's my sister. She also works here.

SD- Getting a coke and a smoothie may be a popular decision with the electorate, but the ramifications of it are huge. The overall hit to the bill-payers pocket may be larger than anticipated. There are other ways to spend this drink money that would help much more. You could get an orange juice and a root beer. Coke is known to harm the body and the cost in dentist's bills is outrageous these days.

TG- Sarah, you're out to lunch. Sometimes you must do what is outrageous to do what is right. You're holding on to outdated dogmatic ideas of what kinds of drinks you should get. This is the 21st century and it is a century of tolerance and peace. We no longer can bully people into picking certain drinks. We must have a waiter-customer accord which enables the customer to have greater selection of drinks

SD- You may be right, but what you're forgetting is the education issue. How can you expect people to make an informed decision when you've given them no education? Guy and girl, how much has Tim Generic taught you about what you're getting for drinks? Sure you think you want a coke and a smoothie now, but if the news media properly showed these items as they truly were, what would you think of them? It's the elite in society who must make these decisions for the uninformed until they become acquainted with what drinks truly are better than others.

GUY- Enough! We've made up our minds! Less talk and more getting us drinks.

TG- We've come to the vote. All in favor or immediately getting drinks raise your han...

SD- Before you do that, I'd like to propose an amendment to Bill H7-70. Currently the bill reads the guy wants a coke and the girl wants a smoothie. I'd like to tack on in addition that you share a chocolate milk. You see, it's a sad state of this table, when our children, and more importantly your unborn children aren't able to get enough calcium...

GIRL- (interrupts) I'm not pregnant!

SD- Sorry dear, our restaurant has pregnancy test sensors on the doors. We know. Ignorance of the issues does not make them correct. The unborn child is your stomach has rights you know. It simply is wrong when the mother chooses not to get two drinks when she can. I hope you reverse the decision to only get a smoothie out of moral obligation.

TG- I disagree. I personally believe in a woman's right to choose what drinks she wants. The issues are far more complicated than that however. First of all you need to realize how many things the liquid goes through before it reaches this baby. It touches the lips, tongue then down the throat and esophogus and into the stomach. After this, scientists are unable to track what happens to the liquid, although many leading experts think there is a tube leading into your arms and legs with this liquid. That would explain why when you cut yourself there is some sort of reddish liquid that squirts out. How this would hurt or help a baby I have no clue personally. One thing I do know is that the information is inconclusive. We will continue to search for the answer to this dilemma, but in the meantime we cannot stop living our lives in the ways we have done for thirty years. I say, girl, you are a customer and you are the most important person here right now!

GIRL- So can I get that smoothie then?

SD- Sorry hon, we have to vote an the amendment first

TG- We'll get it for you as soon as we have ratified the bill as a law

GUY- Look, we're hoping to do something after possibly so if there's any way to speed this...

SD- Not one that I'm aware of. It's a proven fact that 23% of all automobile accidents are caused by somewhat excessive speeding. I met a lady once whose St. Bernard was killed by a driver going 92 in a 90 zone. To listen to that lady talk about that dog and how she'll never get a chance for retribution since the driver was also killed, it's saddening. There's no doubt in my mind that this would have all been avoided if the speed hadn't been involved. Now you're going to talk about speeding this up? How selfish!

TG- Look, it's a proven fact that 69% of all people think our roadways are outdated. Throwing money at the problem won't help. What will help is spending that same money. Perhaps on building seperate roadways for animals to cross as well as more seperate roadways for kids to play in. This serious of never ending overpasses, underpasses and insidepasses will make speed a viable option. Some people may ask where we'll get all the money to do these large scale projects. It is these people we will tax the highest.

SD- There are more important issues here than making roadways safe! Sure, fancy shmancy construction projects might solve the problem, but where's the payback? People like that lady have lost beloved pets to drivers who have also perished. Who should be punished? We need to find what many people call a scapegoat. Once we have punished these goats, the owners of dead pets will feel morally justified.

TG- I agree with you there sister. The justice system in our country needs fixing. But what needs fixing before that is our roads. Cars currently are unable to traverse steep inclines, we're talking straight up here. So what I'm proposing is if we create roads that do that, the cars will be forced to innovate so they can get from Point A to Point B. I'm guessing going up one of those things will curb speeds as well.

GUY- What does this have to do with our order?

SD- Nothing, we're going on a tangent. You see the world does not simply revolve around you and Mrs. Oh I Look Good Because I'm Good-Looking.

GIRL- What did you just call me? ... Wait, was that a compliment?

TG- I think, girl, that a compliment is one of our most precious resources. We need to manage these wisely. If we trade them wisely, such as telling you how good you look, we will be more likely to get a tip in return. So you see, building strong bonds between you and I is important for both of us. You get complimented, I get tips.

GUY- We don't want compliments, all we ask is for our drinks

SD- That's the problem these days, customers don't have nearly enough faith in those waiting their tables. They only want drinks or food. If I was a customer I'd expect more. It's fairly easy to ease the hunger of a table of people, but much harder to make a dent in world hunger. Shouldn't I be able to ask my waiter or waitress to do that? If all you ask if for small things, when will you get the big ones?

TG- My shift ends in five minutes, I think we need to vote on the amendment to Bill H7-70.

GIRL- That's the chocolate milk one, or the web of freeways one?

GUY- Chocolate milk

TG- All in favour

GUY- Sure, if it'll get us our drinks faster

GIRL- Do you think I might actually be pregnant?

GUY- Look dear, can we talk about this later, without these people here...

SD- I'm in favour as well

TG- Motion carried. Guy gets coke, girl gets smoothie, they get to share a chocolate milk.

GUY- So.....

TG- What?

GUY- Aren't you going to get us our drinks now?

TG- Don't you know how bills work? They have to be ratified by the Senate first. Don't worry, it won't take too long. You see they're actually meeting next week. I'm sure you'll have your drinks in no time.

GIRL- Can we talk now? It looks like we'll have enough time

GUY- You don't have a womb

GIRL- Huh?

GUY- Your mother told me when we got married. It seems impossible yes, but somehow you were born without a womb. You can't be pregnant. You have everything else, yes, but no womb.

GIRL- And I wanted to name it Starbucks!

My Self Esteem Is Dead

Welcome everybody to "Let's make a deal", the show where you decide whether or not you want to keep what you have or trade it for what is behind the door. So now let's find out who our lucky first contestant is. This first contestant is sitting near a computer (or maybe if this is the year 2006, a book), has an eyebrow or two, possibly likes taking long walks near a beach, but doesn't have to. That's right, the first contestant on today's show is you! You're the contestant! Let's see what you get for a prize, tell them Trevor! "Well you see this is a lovely new edition of The Cantaloupe". The Cantaloupe. Do you wish to take The Cantaloupe or see what's behind door number sixteen? Take a minute to really think it over? Do you want to continue with this newsletter or do you want to try for something new? This is a magical interactive newsletter so think hard about your answer now and the answer will magical change the result
.....Drum Roll Please.....
What was behind door number sixteen? Well since you forgot door number sixteen was the door you already opened! It's the same Cantaloupe you originally got! Either way you're the big winner of the day. You must feel pretty lucky to have either stayed with your original prize or went for a new one. Good choice by the way!

Heads Are Going To Roll (and Rock)

In the meantime I am going to talk about something serious. I'm going to talk about our society and its ills. Actually what I'm really going to talk about is one thing that happened to me in the last week. Well you see I was driving my car (that crazy Buick Regal) home from school one night and well I wasn't going too fast. Maybe 78 on John Laurie Boulevard which has a speed limit of 70. Then all of a sudden I see this cop behind me and he turns on his lights. I can't believe it. I pull over and he pulls over behind me. So out walks this cop and let me tell you, he's one big dude, no I'm kidding, he actually isn't. It's actually a girl. This girl is fairly young and attractive. So she comes up to the window and asks for my license and registration. I show her those and she asks me if my driver's license is a fake. I tell her that it isn't and she keeps looking at it. She then goes back to her car and gets her partner who IS in fact the really big tough guy I was about to say this girl was until I changed my mind or remembered the truth or something. Well this guy comes up to my window and tells me to get up out of the car. I ask why. He just gives me this look like if I don't get out of the car now he might pulverize me with his nuclear weapons. You know that look. So I get out of the car and no sooner do I get out of the car, but the cop throws me to the ground and holds me down. Then for no apparant reason, the girl takes this shovel and begins throwing dirt on me. Well after many minutes of this, I was buried all except my head and on the side of the road. That's when the cops get back into their car and start driving over me. The dirt of course is keeping me from being crushed. I began to get a little bit annoyed. These cops were totally abusing their rights as keepers of the law. Sure I may have been marginally over the speed limit, but I wasn't some sort of evil guy who hated feet or something. But then I really got to think during those hours. Cops do a lot of good in our society. I mean think of all the lands where cops are corrupt or take bribes or simply don't have the power to curb violence. I wouldn't want to live in those countries. I mean while I was upset that I was missing out on my thirteenth favourite TV show, I began to understand. I'm always thinking about myself. Surely I should be thankful for our good cops and shouldn't get too upset when cops want to have a little bit of fun at my expense. Is putting a pile of dirt on me and driving back and forth on it for almost sixteen hours a little excessive. Not if you think of all the murderers put behind bars. Not if you realize our land is one land where not every Joe Rogan can walk down the street with a gorilla on fire. So what am I trying to say? Honor your local police. If they want to tie you to their bumper and drive their car off a cliff and into a whirlpool of whipped cream, that should be their right as protectors of our freedom. If you feel differently why don't you move to Ancient Greece and debate with Socrates or maybe the greatest philosopher Hypocrites? I mean other than the time travel issue. Wait, where was I? The truth is this story never really happened. Well most of it. I DID get pulled over by a girl cop on John Laurie. I DID get a lousy speeding ticket. And I DID lie to you again. I don't drive that Buick Regal. Right now it's dead. I use alternative methods. I didn't get pulled over at all. But I did watch my thirteenth favourite TV show which of course is Matlock (or Touched By An Angel). I would tell you, but you wouldn't believe me anyways. So fine, believe I hate Matlock or haven't ever seen an episode of it if you wish, but one day you will look very silly.

Based On An Actually True Story

Over the weekend I in fact did attend a Calgary Stampeders football game. And of course in nobody's surprise they crushed the Edmonton Eskimoes 43-23. I mention the score in passing, but after the last story it's basically there to assure you of the truth involved here. What I want to talk about is the experience of being a fan. There's something very different about football. You see the weather outside while we were at the game was generally not very warm. The second half of the game was a little chilly. Now I'm not complaining. In fact I think watching a football game in cold weather is great! Canadian football is fundamentally meant to be cold. You have to cheer louder to stay warm. You have to huddle together with other fans to stay warm. It's a bonding time. Especially for the fan who decides to paint his chest with the team colours and not wear his shirt. In fact I think his skin may have bonded to the seats. Of course what makes football very unique is that they play no matter what the weather may be like. If they even see a cloud in the sky, they won't play a baseball game, but football plays on through everything. No joke. I once saw a kicker try to make a field goal and well the ball got sucked into a tornado. I once saw another guy accidentally confuse a football sized chunk of hail for the ball. He ran all the way for a touchdown. Boy did he look silly when he started to celebrate. No wait, those things didn't happen either. Man, I'm terrible today at not making up things to embellish my stories. Okay I owe you a story without any stretching the truth.

The Truth Begins In New Mexico

Yesterday night I was tired. I wasn't tired, because I had been running from giant lizards with hovering skateboards. I was tired, because I hadn't slept for nearly seventeen hours. So I turned off the lights and slipped into bed. No trolls resided under my bed. I didn't have this crazy dream where I was Superman's father, no wait, maybe I did. I don't really remember. But this I do know. At some point I woke up, got dressed and went about my business. And boy, was I all business in my business.

Samurai Smarties

Well next issue I well tell you the truth I hope. More than just one paragraph of it. Because I know you all expect nothing but cold hard facts from this newsletter. You expect me to tell you about government corruption and world famine and wars and all that stuff. But today I figured I'd give you a break from all that. I COULD ressurect the old "Whole Wheat Bread" column I put out in place of the Cantaloupe one week. Wouldn't you all love that? I'm sure you would. Why? Because that was a great issue.
By the way this week you will send ME your question of the week? I'd like to answer questions, please send some in. It makes my job a little easier and I like ease.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Self esteem is a fragile thing. If you smash it into a barricade at more than 60 km/h it is more than likely to be damaged if not totalled. Self esteem is better when you remember your limitations. You can't have very good self esteem management when blindfolded. Self esteem should be simple. Low self esteem may be cool with some people and high self esteem as well, but good self esteem stays somewhere in the middle. Self esteem may die, but you can always take it to the shop)