Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Banana

The Cantaloupe

Let me begin by describing the last time I was in the shower. Don’t worry, I’m not going to provide too many awful details here. None at all.
What I really want to say about the shower is this: Most people have a place where they do their best thinking. Some people think the best in bed or on a favorite chair; others like me think the best in the shower. As of late, living in Edmonton, there’s been less things keeping me busy and I can think of wonderfully petty things like reviving whatever the heck the Cantaloupe is.
So there I was in the shower thinking about writing another Cantaloupe and totally forgetting to wash the shampoo out of my hair (fortunately there isn’t a bill here for gratuitous use of hot water). I realized that since I got engaged there has only been two new issues of the Cantaloupe. Thus I vowed that with my new found oodles of free time, I would rectify this situation.

Is It the Suds

Of all the odd places to think, why is it that I would think in the shower? And why so well? So I present a couple hypotheses as to the prevalence of the shower.

Clothes inhibit thinking
Sometimes the desire to wear clothes hurts people’s thinking skills. During a previous Labour Day Classic between Calgary and Edmonton there were a number of streakers near the end of the game, I’d say about five to eight of them all coming from the same place. Well one man of that group ran on the field wearing a pair of jeans, clearly not wanting 35000 people to see what was underneath. Unfortunately the police found out what it was, that’s right, marijuana! Thus his streaking modesty lead to him not thinking. Did his completely nude friends have marijuana? The cops will never know since they thought it through.
A counterpoint however would be the most famous naked people, Adam and Eve. If a snake told you to eat an apple would you do it? I’d probably wonder why a snake was talking to me personally. I’ve never even known a talking snake.Anyways, I’m not certain this is the answer we a looking for, so we must continue searching.

The real answer
The point at which I said I became lost in thought was just after my hair had become scrubbed with shampoo. While doing research for this issue (yes, I DO research), I came across some advertisements for Indian Head Massage. They claim that this process leads to clear thinking. In the same way, wouldn’t massaging your scalp with shampoo lead to clear thinking? Why pay money to some educated professional when you can simply do it yourself?
Head massage provides clear thinking. So why don’t we all go around rubbing our heads all day? Unfortunately myself, as well as most people, are afraid of developing a case of messy hair. If I went around rubbing my scalp my hair would be a giant poofball in twenty minutes. The reason I can do it when I’m in the shower is because while my hair is wet and lathered in shampoo, still a work in progress. Once my hair is a completed product I don’t want to touch it. Therefore if we were to keep our hair as an uncompleted product all day long, we could massage our scalps and we could use our brains.
My proposal is this: keep the shampoo in your hair. In fact carry a bottle of shampoo everywhere you go, constantly lathering your scalp.

Now that Shampoo Companies Love Me, The Tables Turn

The one thing I don’t quite understand about shampoo (other than the fact that they aren’t even giving you real poo) is the whole “no tears” shampoo. Can they really make that promise?If a baby has recently sat on a cactus and has cactus needles in their diaper, you think giving them shampoo is going to cause them to stop crying? Honestly I’m willing to guess not.Secondly, who tests these things when they are making it. Do they test it on real babies? For example does Herb the product tester jab a baby in the eyes with shampoo? Or maybe if it’s not okay to do on babies, do they jab a rat in the eyes?
Perhaps we will never know, but one theory I have is that the only way to really guarantee a “no tears” shampoo would be if somehow the shampoo dried up your tear ducts, which must logically be true, since all advertising slogans are correct.

Conditioner is good too, I like it.

YVR

(If anyone actually attempts to shampoo their hair in public, The Cantaloupe takes full responsibility for all damages, providing the damage is to the tails of cows. The Cantaloupe also takes responsibility for you being the coolest kid in school or at work. Be ready for eight promotions and a 25 cent salary increase annually.)