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tHE CaNtalOUPe

I would simply like right now to apologize for all the formatting errors that most of you have been receiving. Those who have experienced the horrors of HTML know what it is all about. Those of you who have received the Cantaloupe as normal, you are the lucky few. Terrible has been the curse of HTML, for instead of being able to read things clearly, they are all garbled. For you, I am sorry for my involvement, but it was not intentional. Perhaps some crazy shaman dude named Crazy Shaman Dude put a curse on your e-mail so it wouldn't read properly. Again I apologize. You know, I think it actually might have been my fault.

The Story That Explains What I Just Said

I was walking down the street the a while back when I saw this stand. There was this old man with a pointy hat and a long wispy beard standing there looking, well, crazy. His teeth were showing in a maniacal fashion. So as any random person on the street would do if they saw a frightening old man, I went and talked to him.
"Hey, what's this stand for", I asked.
"I'm a shaman; I curse people," he replied.
Well I now knew what he was. He was shaman. That might explain why wasn't wearing any clothes other than a loincloth. It made sense to me now. If he wearing a three-piece suit or a twelve-piece suit he might be willing to curse corporations; this was a simple shaman who would only curse people.
"or livestock," he interrupted my thoughts.
Darn those crazy shaman! Those are my thoughts! Stop breaking into them. I don't want you to do that. Where was I? Oh yes, people. He would curse people. I looked at the signs which showed certain curses and their prices. You could get a death curse for $100; I didn't quite want anyone dead yet. As well, I knew shaman elsewhere who would kill someone for half that price. Infertility curses cost $50; Baldness curses cost $20. I kept looking and I saw a curse that really caught my eye. The Yellowaphobia curse.
"What's the Yellowaphobia curse", I asked.
"It makes you afraid of the color yellow," he answered.
Woah! That's super cool. I could make someone afraid of the color yellow. I told the shaman that I was going to get this curse for someone. He told me it would cost me $15. I hesitated for a second, because if a death curse cost $100, that seems a little much just to be afraid of yellow.
"I'll give you $10," I said.
"I'm not going lower than $12," he replied.
So $12 it was, I was willing to pay that much. So the shaman went to the back of his little stand and grabbed his cauldron, always a sensible thing to start with. He called his evil incantations and then he stopped.
"Wait, who am I cursing again," he asked me.
"I never told you," I said, "but I would like to curse Elmo, you know, from Sesame Street."
The shaman gave me this really long and sort of creepy stare. I can't quite explain it to you, but if you've ever been stared at by a shaman before, you know what it is like. He probably was used to people cursing their wife, or husband, or mother-in-law, or Charlie Sheen.
Well, to make a long story short, Crazy Shaman Dude cursed Elmo, but then he surprised me.
"With that curse you get a free HTML curse," he told me.
He then explained that the HTML curse causes e-mail you send to be garbled and nonsense like that. It didn't sound all that great, I mean wouldn't I want people to be able to read stuff I wrote? Wouldn't I want to get a burrito after I had left the shaman? Well I decided that I WOULD in fact get the burrito.
"Do you want it or not," he asked impatiently.
"I think I'll pass"
"But it's free"
"Well, if it's free I'll get it I guess"
So there you have it, I suppose that would be the real reason that many of you are complaining about my e-mails looking like stupid nonsense. It's all because of Crazy Shaman Dude. He's a bit of a jerk if I might say so myself, but don't tell him that, because I hear he gets employee discounts.
Either way, don't blame me, it was an accident. I didn't mean to tell anybody to curse you. I just did it. I didn't mean to pay the man money, but I did. You can't blame me that's for sure.
That's the problem with our society, people never take responsibility for their actions. They are always trying to look at other people. Just because I went to a shaman and got a curse placed on you, it's MY fault. Really? C'mon, that's ridiculous! And you were just a victim weren't you? Sitting there at home sipping tea and eating a burrito that I should have been eating right after I was done getting the curse done! The burrito place was closed!

Snakes and Apples and Trees, Oh My!

The other day I was watching Sesame Street like I always do on Sundays and I don't like it as much as I used to. You see, I think there's too much violence. Why did Elmo attack Big Bird? I suppose we'll never know. I blame the writers of the show. They're to blame. It's a kid's program. A KID'S PROGRAM!I suppose it goes to show you that when you're backed in a corner with nowhere to escape you have to lash out. Whether that's at an angry mob or a large cartoonish bird, it's all the same.

My Final Confession

Okay, maybe you can blame me for some of what happened. There, I said it. Now let's stop pointing fingers and move on. No? There are still fingers pointed? Okay, well I have a solution called "Question of the Week". It's a good solution.

Today's question is..."If there were a curse that should be placed on me as retribution for this crime, what should it be?"

Otherwise if there is nothing left to say, I'd simply like to acknowledge that going to a shaman is a bad idea. It's a little wrong if you know what I mean. Of course, you can't blame me, because I didn't know he was a shaman. His name was Crazy Shaman Dude and he said he was a shaman, I figured that it had to be a joke. I gave his money because I felt sorry for him, or....maybe a little bit just to curse Elmo. Don't go to a shaman. It's wrong.

Trevor YVR Plett

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