Door to Door Generic (and Carpet)

Door to Door Generic (and Carpet)

There is a man that many of you know. This man is a little strange, but what do you expect from a politician? Yes, but only a politician at heart. You see in the year 2004 he lost his presidential election and thus had to find other areas of work. He worked at a diner for awhile getting people's orders and all that. Now he has moved up in the world. Yes, Tim Generic now goes door-to-door selling carpet (and other things). So let's set the stage for you. It is a typically cool fall day at around 4:00 p.m. Your average person is either still at work or "sick". It was at this time that the man known as Generic began to walk the streets of a community called "Pinkview". He strolled down the street with a confidence that comes from thinking you are always right. He strolled like a baby that could walk and talk would. You know the kind. Up the path beside the grass he went until he came to his first doorway, where he sold a carpet. The next house did not wish to have carpet. For our purposes the third house was important simply because that's the story we shall tell. It's no more exciting or less than the houses before or after, but you won't know that. Generic went up to the door and rang the doorbell. About five seconds passed before he heard the sound of someone going up (or down) the stairs. Then the door swung upon and there was a girl, about 21, there at the door. That's our beginning:

TIM GENERIC- Hello, young lady. My name is Tim Generic. I can see your carpet is dull and lifeless. That is a terrible shame. You see, brown is a color that does not take advantage of our freedom in life. We live in a land that allows all kinds of colors of carpet, red, blue, black, even navy blue! To abuse this right by having brown carpet is a shame you have had for far too long. People in third world nations like Africa or France might have to put up with such things, but you shouldn't have to.Entrust your money in my hands and I can change all of that. My promises are real, I will not let you down. The carpet will become new. Freedom of carpet is a right that all people should have.

GIRL- Uhhh....well I don't really have that freedom. You see, I'm renting this place and I don't think they'd let me change my carpet.

TG- That's a shame. The powers that be have let you down time and time again. They've not only taken a rolling pin and squashed your rights like a playdough dinosaur, but they've taken a flamethrower and torched the memories of them. Authority is there for the people, not the other way around. It is people like you, the highly attractive young women of our society who should be able to have good looking things. You see, I myself like attractive women. They are a diverse people group that adds so much to the fabric of our land. I, Tim Generic, firmly hold that these women should not be confined to simply toil away at home for no reason at all, they should have husbands to do it for.

GIRL- I'm confused. What are you saying? Are you saying....no....wait....Are you hitting on me?!TG- What I'm saying is that if you vote for Tim Generic, he will give you the time of your life. And you know that promise is good, because I used to be a politician.

GIRL- Aren't you a little old to be going out with me?

TG- Our land has a long history. We came and truimphed over the evil Native people who tried to steal the land we rightfully found. They hadn't sailed over the whole ocean to get there, but they thought they owned the place anyways. Years passed and we had more wars to fight, but none were for our very right to freedom like that war was. Now we're fighting another war of the same kind. As our cities grow, it is the trees themselves who hinder us. They do not move along with our society and because of that, they are resisting us. We cannot let the trees win, we must chop them down and pull their roots from ground!

GIRL- I....uhhhh....don't get it.

TG- That's because you don't have wisdom my dear. You see the trees as your friends, because you don't know any better. Yes, things must change and new ideas are valuable, but it should be led by those with knowledge and experience. A society cannot be stagnant and without change, but it must not reject new ideas as well. For example, we certainly have a good thing with carpets, but soon we must innovate, perhaps by creating carpets that also play MP3's. In that way carpets will survive the onslaughts of the DVD player.

GIRL- The DVD player isn't really quite competing with the carpet though....and a DVD player doesn't even play MP3's.

TG- That matters not, what matters is that you're a hot young woman and I'm a moderately attractive middle-aged man. Sometimes you have to think, not what's best for yourself, but what is best for your country.

GIRL- So I'm going to go on a date with you, because that's what's best for our country?

TG- People often argue about what is best for our country. Should we build hospitals, should we educate our children? What should we do? There a number of answers to this question. I believe our country is best served when people live out their right to freedom. In this country, you have the choice to marry whomever you may choose. In some countries, there is no choice. If you are the son of the king, you will be married off to the princess of some other country. It doesn't matter whether or not she is hot, you don't have a choice. That's what's great about our land. You can refuse those woman that are not smoking hot. I am exercising my rights for freedom, how about you?

GIRL- I suppose I'm flattered that you think I'm hot...

TG- I must give credit where credit is due. Your legs are like firehoses, that our heroic firefighters use to save people from the corruption of fire; your hands are the hands of the masses, able to do whatever they please; your mouth is like a guitar, which our land's musicians use to give hope and joy; your eyes are like the electoral process, which enables people to view the problems of our culture and choose the proper method of moving forward. Yes, you have the eyes of democracy! Your hair cascades down your head like money flows to a politician who takes bribes. Your breasts...

GIRL- I get it. Thank you. Nobody has ever said anything so kind about me. You're not like all those other guys at all. My last boyfriend was a big jerk. He always would invite me over to his house so we could play shuffleboard all night long. And he never let me win! Then he'd kick me out before breakfast so I'd have to eat Capt'n Crunch at my house. Of course, that's not the worst thing. He always would sneak off into my room and steal some of my pants. And if that's not creepy enough, he'd stick twizzlers to the butt and return them so that when I was wearing those pants, guys would come and grab my butt. Of course they didn't want to grab my butt, they just saw the twizzlers and you know how a guy's mind works. When they see those twizzlers, they have to have them. Of course, he still told me he loved me, and I felt maybe if I gave it a few years of marriage he'd change his ways for me. He didn't. In fact he dumped me before we even got married, or engaged, or anything. He was just using me, because of my good looks and body and the fact that I have that ultimate fighting channel on my TV package.

TG- Tim Generic is not that kind of person. Tim Generic is a sweet, gentle family man.

GIRL- You have a family?

TG- Tim Generic likes families, but he doesn't have one of his own (just yet). He is down to earth and represents the people of this land. He loves each and every one of them. He also has a vision about our future and yours too. A vision that involves cooked goose on everyone's dinner table, a vision that has five cars in every garage, yes, a vision that let's us continue to choose our wives. Even if we want more than one wife, we should be allowed, because it isn't freedom to deny us that right.

GIRL- You don't even know my name yet, though.

TG- It is true that I don't know your name, but you are more than a statistic to you. You are a person with real problems and real issues. Some people need a shelter and we should give those people a nice box to sleep in. Some people need clothes and we should give those people some plastic bags, so they can be warm. You don't need a name so much as you need a man to go to dinner with.

GIRL- Okay, I'll go, but my name is Clara.

TG- Awesome, 6:00 sound good?

CLARA- Yeah, what's the plan from there

TG- We head over to the Olive Garden, which we shall experience some of the wonderful cultures that make our land so great, then we will go see a movie, "Snakes on a Plane", which shall remind us that the terrorists are powerful, and they have snakes. Lots of snakes. We must be wary. Then finally we shall head back to your place, and uhhh....

CLARA- Do what?

TG- Well, maybe you could convince your landlord because, you see, I'd like to sell you a new carpet. Perhaps a red one with a little bit of blue and grey. They're highly affordable you know.