Today Is Not July 12

"Hello," said the triangle to the oval, "nice to meet you"
*slap*
"Wow what soft hands you have", said the triangle
*kick to the isosceles*

The Cantaloupe

Yes! It's almost the end of October and I've said it before and I'll say it again. What's up with November? Totally the dull month of the year. The only month that compares at all is February. By November you're into your routine and you're sick of it. Christmas is almost two months away yet. There's no holidays in November. In college, EVERYTHING is due in November. And just like last year, you get to hear me complain about the month of November. But then again, the Grey Cup is in November. And November 13 is in November. Not sure what makes that day so good, but possibly something. Now if I had a birthday in November it'd make things so much cooler. Anyways what I'm really trying to say is for this issue I'm going to steal another person's material and present it as my own. Actually no wait, now that I told you that you will know the truth. So for a treat, I'm going to answer reader questions and by reader questions I mean relationship questions from readers of other peoples columns that I stole.

Very Scary Berry

"Dear Lynn (Lynn? That's not my name),
I grew up hearing that each relationship you’re in makes you better for the next one and helps you learn more about what you're looking for in a partner. I'm not entirely convinced of this. About four years ago, when I was 28, I fell in love with a woman. I was not naive or inexperienced in dealing with relationships. Every ounce of my soul told me that this was The One. I was completely in love. And this was not a situation of unrequited love, because the "I love you" actually came from her first. To make a long story short, she broke up with me and we have no contact at all. The problem is the effect this has had on me. I think on an unconscious level, I no longer “trust” the emotion of love itself. The logic being, if everything told me "This was The One" and it wasn't, how will I ever truly know?
-Conflicted Craig"
Well Conflicted Craig (if that is your real name, and I highly doubt it), I think one of your main problems is the fact that you call yourself conflicted. I mean what girl wants to go out with somebody who is conflicted? Clearly when you are conflicted that means you are sure about things. So you say "I was completely in love". Well everything told you she was the one, but you didn't want to believe it now did you? You were conflicted. Did you even get to know her name? Nowhere in your question does this woman have one. Are you sure you were going out with the same person each time, because I've heard of guys who forgot who their girlfriend was and accidently took some other girl out on a date. Well when their real girlfriend phones and asks why they didn't pick them up it can be embarassing.Now here's my advice. Work on a new persona. Stop being "Conflicted Craig" and try something new. For my money, "Cuddly" goes well with Craig. It's often hard to control your own feelings, but if you make girls like you, they're much more likely not to break up with you. And for all I know girls much rather prefer cuddly to conflicted. Nobody likes conflict except maybe the television viewer. So unless you plan on becoming a reality television star...THAT'S THE ANSWER! Simply appear on "The Bachelor" and your problems are solved.

The Time For Trix

Today is that day of the year they call Halloween. Halloween has a long and admirable heritage as a holiday. In fact I wish to tell you the story about it.
Halloween began in the early 5th century B.C. when a group of concerned parents decided they could no longer deal with awful holidays at the time such as Redolphus Day and Uschker. The leader of this group went by the name of Thyphlon and he and his wife Noltaklia were the social activitists of their time. At one point they tried to petition the king of their country to stop torturing innocent citizens of their country for amusement. Of course you know what the king REALLY ended up doing with their request. So after the king stopped torturing innocent people as they asked him to they got these big ideas in their head. So they decided to have a day celebrating all that was good about mankind. They figured they needed to be able to pass this on to their children. So each year on the day of Halloween they got their children to dress up like visionary humanitarians and go door to door in poor neighbourhoods where they would give things to the people there. As for decorations they figured that in such a happy holiday of peace and kindness they'd put up decorations showing goodness, happiness and healing. In that spirit they got the biggest thing they could find to carve at the time, a pumpkin, then they put a nice happy smiley face on it and put that on the porch to signify they were taking part in the love fest. The tradition turned out to be so popular that it changed the world and we're all living without violence or selfishness to this day and the tradition of Halloween is still practiced exactly the same as it was back then even to this day.

Continuing Ideas

If you read this and have no idea what kind of costume you should wear for next year (considering you probably don't have enough time yet this year, should've thought of that earlier right?), I've got ideas. Ideas I've thought long and hard about. Well first of all you could be scroll lock. Or the Shift Key. Or Backspace. No, I am NOT looking at the keyboard. I have GREAT ideas, stop making fun of them. You're mean! Boo.

?The?

A certain reader decided since I didn't ask you guys any questions that he would ask me a question. Thus I shall answer that. And here it is:
"Have you ever stopped to think about the starving Penguins on the dark side of Antartica? If so, what conclusion have you come to? Are they considered to be in the wrong just because they live in darkness half the time?"
Ahhhh. A deep theological and anthropological question. Yes, I've seen the commercials asking for support for the darkness ravanged penguins. I've heard the people begging for money to ease the suffering. This is no laughing matter. However the information given to us is flawed. You say they only live in darkness HALF the time. Well there's the problem. They have light. But they don't choose to see that half now do they? The truth is that the "dark side" of Antarctica actually has exactly the same amount of light as the so-called "light side". One group of penguins focuses themselves on seeing the light and were wise (thus conquering the world and mastering the best kept secret), while another group of penguins thinks they live in darkness and ends up being poor and starving. So if you ask whether or not I think they are wrong because they live in darkness half the time I would say no. They are not wrong because they live in darkness. They are wrong ABOUT living in darkness. It's a self-created prison. So here's my solution. Let's work with them to help them see the light. Perhaps if we show them the truth they will be able to bring themselves out of this prison and do something with their lives.One problem to doing this is many of the "dark side" penguins believe that the darkness is better than the light. They just sit around the ice all day and they balloon into walrus sized penguins. Well they eventually explode. We need to talk some sense into such penguins, because it is a noble cause.
That brings us to the QUESTION OF THE HOUR which is:
"What do you think about the economic situation in Hamburg right now? Do you think they should continue to rely heavily on hamburgers or branch out and focus on both ham and burgs? What would be your solution?"

Olive Famous For

A few random thoughts for a new millenium while tomorrow is another time for nonsensical thoughts. First of all, I have a happy face clipboard. It's really cool! It's smiling at me right now and makes me wonder why I have a nose when it doesn't. And that yellow skin is just ravishing. I'm getting a start on this new millenium (which isn't all that new anymore) today by wearing entirely silver clothes. Yes, that's right. I mean isn't that what everyone wears in the future? Clearly it must be a better fashion than anything we have right now. Maybe it's somehow more attactive and they found that scientifically. Got to be true. And everyone should get a vase to use as a cup, because it's far more efficient.

Trevor YVR Plett

(The phrase "Trick Or Treat" comes for the English word "trick" and the English word "treat". It's hard to track down exactly what those words used to mean, because the English culture is a strange one. They lived a long, long time ago and did some wierd things. But what this crazy phrase really means will probably elude even the brightest of convenience store clerks, because there simply is nobody with the power to go back in time and figure it out. Can you? Do you have a green shirt and seven identical strands of perrigonia 11? Because if you don't, you can't do it. Too bad for you, because I would have complimented you if you had been able to)

We Are Gaining Speed, I Can Barely Breathe

The Cantaloupe

The world is coming to an end. I never believed all the hype from crackpots, but I do now. The signs are in the air. I mean really, floating signs? I can't believe it either! However it is clearly all over for the human race. But not really. Okay I lied. Not that me lying should make you a whole lot happier. You should feel betrayed and rightfully so. I have turned to the dark side. What I did last week was that part of the movie where the student turns on his master. I snuck up behind you and hit you with a sabre-toothed tiger carcass. I may just as well have clubbed a baby deer or stole a doll from a little girl and painted it gold or something. If I had a conscience which I CLEARLY don't, I'd feel terrible. So what did I do? I now own a cell phone. Yep, what a terrible person. I sold my soul. But yeah you don't have to worry about it much longer because the world is clearly coming to an end. I mean if that isn't enough to do it, I don't know what is. Oh yeah, I did also club the deer and paint the doll too so...

Proceed To Club That Baby Deer

On yes, another news note from the personal life. I'm now working at a church. I am an employee of my church. I know it may seem difficult to believe, but they are paying me to run the youth group. Now that this has come to pass, I'll have to make sure I'm a little bit more cautious with what I'm doing. First of all, pants are a plus and especially knowing whose pants I'm wearing is good. However there are another few things that I'm definitely going to have to know in the future.
- As much as I love those Christmas Life Savers "books" you get, they unfortunately are not in the Bible and therefore I cannot quote them as authoritative. Actually a funny story once I accidently referenced "Butterscotch" and was trying to tell someone "Orange" was a spiritual gift. The person I was telling this to was a little sceptical. They couldn't remember where that was from in the Bible. "Where's the from," they asked, "Philemon?" I said no, it was from Life Savers. Then that person gave me that look, you know the look they always give you. The look where they are wondering if they should tie you to a stake and burn you as a heretic or wait for the lightning bolt from the heavens to do it first. I always get the look. I'm sure you guys get that look all the time. From your parents, church leaders, yourself in the mirror, television characters and so forth. Well anyways luckily I wasn't hit by lightning and I wasn't condemned as a heretic. Now sometimes I can be lazy, but c'mon how lazy do you have to be not to get some rope and firewood? That person sure was lazy!
- If I want to go and perform a play based on Songs of Songs, go to senior pastor and ask if it's okay first.
- I am no longer to be referred to as a pyro, I am now emblazened in the Spirit.
- Just because I hate all colours but pink and green, I may not refer to Joseph's coat of many colours as simply a "pink and green" coat. That's reading far too much of my own interpretation into things. Luckily I AM allowed to translate the Bible into modern language and in THIS language there are only two colours. These people from a country where they only have two colours. It makes sense.

Answers and then More Answers

It's been a while since I asked my last question, but yes I will give you some answers. I will bore....I mean entertain you with other people's words. The question was a multiple guess (as some teachers call it) question. It was living in a house with a cow in the wall, a house that read Shakespeare at 2 a.m., or a house that was made entirely of dirt.
Cyler P. says, "I am actually currently looking for a place to live, and I have been quite disapointed that I have not found house with a live cow included. That would be just smashing. I mean, to get free unpasturized milk every morning would just be spectacular. I could just sqirt some milk right into my bowls of Mini Wheats. Brings new meaning to the word fresh, put 7-11 to shame. And think of the fun we could have playing indoor frisbee with dried out cowpies! We could even plant an indoor grass garden for the cow to graze in. Oh the possibilities"
Michael W says, "in answer to your question, i would rather live in the house that read to me every morning at 2. Because I work mostly late shifts and i'm just going to sleep at that time, so the house would read me to sleep each night. And even when i don't work, i still go to bed around that time. Thanks for the great house idea, now i must go out and find this house and buy it, later"
Dave H. says, "Hey, I have both an answer and a question, regarding your house question. What's wrong with the house made of dirt? I'm sure there are people who make their houses out of dirt out in Africa or somewhere. I'm guessing that's a lot better than nothing, which makes it good enough for me. The answer to your question is thus: If I were a house, I would ...I mean if I lived in a house, I would live in the one with the Shakespear. That guy's stuff isn't as bad as you might make it seem. Two in the morning... I think I'd get used to it. The cow deal... well if there's nothing I could do about it (killing it and eating it) that's just a bad idea. So a house made of dirt, or a house that read Shakespear? I'd pick the Shakespear deal because then at least when it rains your house isn't turning to mud."

What's Up With That?

So yeah, I have to come up with a cool concluding paragraph to this issue that's new and original. That's kinda hard to do considering I've been around for so long. Yep, I'm old. But being old has it's advantages. Like for one, you can pass for 55 and get into 55A movies. Although after doing that I wonder why I would want to see a movie about shuffleboard again. Hey guess what? I'm tired. Can you tell? Can you tell? And then there was stir fry.

Trevor YVR Plett

(From now until forever, time will be infinite and eternal just like 5:00 on a clock that is stuck at 5:00 because Billy decided to play football in the house and well his sister got mad at him and decided to stick out her leg and trip him but Billy jumped over her leg, of course landing on a pretzel which made a crunching sound distracting Billy so that he didn't notice his mom and tripped over her and smashed his nose into the clock breaking it and causing it to stay 5:00 forever)

Great Or Grey, Who's To Say?

The Cantaloupe

There's a famous saying that goes, "Everytime you get a wrinkle, your smile gets that much larger". Well time flies by so I must have a pretty large smile, right? Well I don't have wrinkles so HA! I may be old, but not that old. I mean while I have been writing for a while I have only been doing "The Cantaloupe" for one and three quarter years. I've been alive for many more years that I have not been writing. And what a life I've lived. In honour of myself (yes MYSELF), I will present to you ten of my favourite stories of things that have happened to me over the course of this life of mine. Some may not be true, others may be false, but one thing is for sure; None of the stories won't be made up.

Trevor's Magical Adventures In Happy Land

1985- Oh those crazy 80's! Back in those days I was two years old. You see in the 80's parents made their kids wear goatskins, because they thought it was cool to look like cave men. However they didn't want people to look like cave men, just kids younger than 3. Well I was younger than three so I had this cute little club and all. Then my parents got me this little kitten and glued some really long teeth in it's mouth so it'd look like a saber tooth tiger and we'd always play together. My parents tell me once when I tried to club the kitten, the kitten bit me and I started bleeding! What I would've given to be there when that happened. Oh wait...I was. And it was me. Okay, anyways I miss those days

1988- In the winter of this year, Calgary hosted the Winter Olympics. Now at the time I was four. Of course I was a curous four year old just like all of them were. When you see something you want to try it. The Olympics being here was a once in a lifetime oppertunity so my parents took us all to go watch the slalom (skiing). I thought this was so cool that when I went home I went outside and brought snow inside and stuck it on the staircase. Once the stairs were covered with snow I took two rulers, taped them to my feet and went down the stairs. Well wouldn't you know my dad walks in a tries to go down the stairs. He slips and falls all the way down. Boy, was he not happy! Back in those days, punishment was often related to the crime, so my dad brings me to the top of the stairs. He tells me that I shouldn't have completed covered our stairs with snow and says that there's consequences. Then he gives this line about "hurting me more than it hurts you" and he pushes me down the stairs. Boy, did I never do that again. So it was very effective punishment. Very memorable

1991- The summer of 1991 brought one of the world's biggest scares. You see during that year, things started looking bleak for the world. Some scientists mistaken claimed that the Earth had been knocked off it's orbit and was going to fly into the sun in three months. Of course NOW we know that was completely stupid, but at time people believed everything that any other person said. "This is the 90's, they'd say. I know people lied back in the 80's and the 70's and the 60's, but they don't lie in the 90's. These days are different" they'd say. So people went through all sorts of wierd fads: sun-proof vests, giant sunglasses and other sun-related items. I remember my dad made us dig under our house all summer long. He gave us shovels and all we did all day was dig. "You'll be thankful when we're still alive and underground" he said. So one day I saw this pile of dirt. It looked so soft and cushy so I jumped in it like any fun-loving eight year old would. I sunk in and was just about to get out when something in the dirt pile grabbed me. I struggled, but it kept pulling me under. I screamed and my family came to my rescue. I'm glad, because we thought it could have been anything (there were rumours in this era that sand snakes and dragons were real and we didn't disbelieve it because it was the 90's). We found out it was a homeless guy named Paul who had snuck into our pit, planning to kill us all one by one and steal our safe spot. We were sure relieved by that, let me tell you!

1993- One of my favourite school memories involves this teacher at Col. Scott named Mrs. Fletcherson. Mrs. Fletcherson was my science teacher. Our class in grade five was incredibly rowdy and Mrs. Fletcherson simply had no patience with any of us. I know this was a long time ago, but we were a very modern school. Not only was capital punishment not allowed for misbehaving students, but corporal punishment wasn't allowed either. So she was trying to teach us about plants and stuff, but this kid Andy said some silly comment and Mrs. Fletcherson gave him that look. You all know that look from when you were a kid. That look where the teacher would like nothing better than to completely disembowel you. Well Andy just froze in his chair. Then Mrs. Fletcherson came over, grabbed Andy and took him over to this old trunk in the corner. "Think that was funny, didn't you," she asked, "well I think this will be pretty funny too!" Then she opened the trunk, stuck him in it and put some weights on top of it so he couldn't get out. None of us were ever the same in her class again. He didn't get out of the box until the end of the day either. Although I never did see him again. None of us did. At first we thought he had got suspended for his bad behavior, but then we heard stories that he was missing and his parents were all worried. This scared us, but we were kids, we'd do nothing like make jokes and tall tales. Some kids claimed they heard someone yell from the trunk and other claimed they heard banging on the sides of it. We all swore that was a haunted trunk. Sometimes we'd see Mrs. Fletcherson throw some her leftovers from lunch in the trunk. We were all amazed she had the courage to go near that trunk. But she was a remarkable teacher.

1995- My parents stuck me into basketball at a really young age. I had already by this year been in basketball for quite a while. At least a few years. Anyways, I was on a really sucky team and ended being the MVP for the team or whatever it was called. But anyway, I was walking down the street one day with a friend of mine when a black limosine pulls up and this guy gets out. Well he works for this shoe company and he wants me to advertise his product. I ask him if he works for Nike. "No". Reebok? "No". Adidas? Well it turns out he really didn't work for any shoe company I had heard of. It was Yellondarf brand shoes. He wasn't really offering me millions either. He offered me two bucks and a pair of really ugly flimsy shoes. Well being a kid, I said yes. So he got me to record this commercial and long story short, Yellondarf shoes are now a household name. Everybody owns their products.

1996- I went into grade eight with high expectations. Well not so much high expectations as a portable trampoline. It was as big as a real trampoline, but within 20 seconds I could fold it up and stick it in my pocket. I was the rage at the school. Who else owned one of these things? All the girls wanted to go out with me, but not so much me as they really just wanted to jump on the trampoline. My heart got used and abused in these days, but not as much as my trampoline. Then one day this girl I really had a crush on asked me if she could use my trampoline and well of course I said yes. Then she asked me if I'd like to make out on the trampoline. Well I said yes to that too. Unfortunately then I woke up. I'm trying to figure out why this is a favourite memory of mine, but it's certainly very sad and possibly tragic. Of course I was in junior high and what do you expect?

1998- In the late 90's things were beginning to change. People weren't as trusting as they were at the start of the 90's. People were becoming crankier and were all hoping for the millenium to come so that many shiny silver space ships would wisk them all home. Anyways it was during this time that my family took a vacation to Japan. The culture shock for our family was huge. They did things so very differently there. You see the Samurai were sort of on the end of their reign and moderism was coming to pass. So while many of the people we met were dressed in suit or other "western" clothes, others were dressed in Samurai armor. So on our trip, I befriended a Samurai and he gave me his sword. This is all context for our story of course. You see on the plane ride home I was showing the pilot my sword (which in those days was completely normal) when I accidently stabbed my sword through the control panel. We veered left and then went into a nose dive. The pilot tried and he couldn't do anything. Of course he couldn't do anything, because back in those days planes didn't control up or down with controls, but they were like teeter totters. If the weight of people in the plane was in the front of the plane, the plane started going down. If the weight of people in the plane was in the back, then the plane went up. So I yelled for all the people to go to the back of the plane and then we were okay. I felt great, because I had been the hero. The prime minister gave me a visit and I showed him the samurai sword too, which also was okay at the time.

2000- "In the year 2000....in the year 2000" -Conan O'Brien. The year 2000 was an interesting one. I had many fun experiences like when my friend Nolan swam in a public fountain. But what I enjoyed even more than that was when I got another guy by the name of Percy to fill his car with sliced cucumber and drive like that to school. Well he asked a girl along the way if she wanted a ride and when she said she did, he said, "There might be a few cucumbers on your seat". That line was simply hilarious. Anyway, Percy and that girl and married now and at their wedding she said she simply couldn't resist a guy with a car full of cucumbers. There was something about sitting there with only your eyes visible above the pile that attracted her. Of course another of my friends tried it with rotting fish heads and the girl was interested. Go figure.

2001- I graduated from high school.

NO WAIT! I can't end it there. So far that's not fraudulent. I must continue with the story. So after I graduated I went off to far away Illinois. I camped out in a tent and saw a whole lot of bands. It was something called a music festival.

NO WAIT! This story doesn't seem right. It can't have happened! It's too far-fetched.

2004- A series of strange break-ins occur at the Plett residence. After the first of these I notice the theif had hacked into my e-mail account on my computer (which was strange, because he wouldn't have had to be in my house to do that). He had used it to send a mass e-mail to my contact list. What had he sent? I didn't have to wait long to find out. It was something called "The Cantaloupe". The next week he did it again. So I figured I'd hide out and wait for him. So on a cold and gloomy day I waited in the dark. That's when I heard creaking and saw it was an unknown man! He then went on to hack on to my account and start writing an e-mail. So at the best time I jumped out at him and he grabbed me and defeated me in two seconds. Since then he's came every once in a while, pointed a gun at my head and forced me to write. No, I'm just kidding here. This entry isn't real at all. In fact what really happened is I stumbled across this portal in the time/space thingy and I took it and I got all the ideas from there. So yeah. Oh yeah and also I thwarted an attempt to take over the world. But that's not as exciting as it's portrayed on the movies. In fact it's kinda boring. So it fails to make the list

So Trevor, What's Your Point?

Why Trevor are you writing about being old and looking back on your life. Well, for those of you who haven't figured it out it is the anniversary of my birth. Yes, in fact today. Yes, in fact right now. So take it as a cause of celebration or take it as a cause for mourning. I'll take it as either. You can simply tell me that I have wrinkles and I'm fat, because I'm probably a big jerk. But anyways I've had a good life as you can clearly tell by all the memories I conjured up. I hope it lasts between 5 minutes and 70 years longer. Have a pleasant day, because it SHALL be a darn good one!

Trevor YVR Plett

(Exactly how old am I? Older than the sun and the moon put together that's how old. Now if you doubt me cut me open and check out my rings, like a tree, because I'm sure I'll have them. Then go and ask the sun and the moon how old they are and add them together. NO MULTIPLYING JERK! That's not fair. Boo hoo. So yeah I'm like a zillion years old. Is that the answer you're looking for?)

Reflexablelet

Before you read this week's edition of "The Cantaloupe", wouldn't like you to drive a car that never needed to fill up with fuel? Wouldn't you like to ride a car that had unlimited power, but yet was smooth and quiet? Wouldn't you like it if that car was so cheap, you could come in and pay with cash? Well, at Chevrolet we feel the same way you feel. WE'D like to get that car too. We're so much alike that we can't help, but be friends. And what do friends do? Buy cars from us. So go to your local Chevrolet dealer today.

The Cantaloupe

Well another week and another month down. We're into October and well it's a little depressing. You see I'm soon going to be a lot older than I am now. It's a scary thing that happens once every year. Each year I can think to myself all the things I accomplished in the last year and for this year, what DID I do? Oh yes, I released a book. And I went to camp. And I did more school. Okay, it wasn't a waste of a year by any account. A waste of a year would be sitting in a cave all year and punching myself in the head until I knocked myself out and when I woke up, doing it again. In fact I'd go so far as to call that stupid. No wait, I'm sorry. I don't want to offend anyone this article so I take that back. If you have done that, I think you may just be unique and gifted in different ways than the rest of us. You see, I'm trying this new thing where I be nice to people. And by that I mean I won't make fun of you. But you know I will, so just remember that I said I wouldn't and maybe you won't notice. On with the show!

For Richer and Poorer

Over the last weekend I had the priveledge of attending two of my friends' wedding. Now to me every time I go to a wedding it feels like they are rubbing it in my face. So I'm not married. Get over it! Okay it actually doesn't feel like that much. That's mostly me and my girly side wishing I WAS married. Well where I was going with this wedding angle is I figured I'd give you some helpful tips for the big day, both attending someone elses and your own.
For the service attender there are some groundrules. If you're late to the ceremony and you think the girl walking down the aisle in the white dress is fighting you for the last seat, it's still not okay to tackle her. In fact, you really shouldn't push her, call her names, beat her with a piece of asparagus or anything like that. And those two older people beside her will mostly likely protect her and hurt you if you try anything like that.
Also if you're attending the wedding and you see these people on stage kissing, the proper reaction shouldn't be a loud "Ewwww!". I mean if you really don't want to see it you can always avert the eyes. It shouldn't be too hard. Even worse is yelling out "Get a room". You see, it's a bad idea to give people ideas like that. Who knows what they could do if they were all alone in a room together? Scrabble maybe?
Oh yeah, one thing I've noticed is this. If you're still wanting to party after the reception and you ask the newlyweds if they want to go hang out or something, they'll most likely say no. Trust me on this one.
Now let's just over to the participant side. If you're the groom and all of a sudden during the service you notice your soon-to-be wife is crying you shouldn't ask "Are you okay?" and wipe away her tears. Also if you're the best man and you notice the bride crying you shouldn't go over and ask her if she's okay and wipe away her tears. From what I have heard it is okay to cry at weddings, even if you are getting married. Of course if it's you getting married you should be stronger emotionally than to be sitting in the corner rocking back and forth crying. That would be a little weak if you ask me, but I suppose I'm not supposed to make fun of people so I apologize to anyone who spent their wedding in such a state.
Another thing I thought would be funny to do is to rig a trap on the parents of the brides' chairs. You know the rope that once they step on it jerks them up into the air. Similar to those. So they sit down and all of a sudden they're hanging upside down and you the groom hightail it out of there with the bride shouting "She's mine now!". I mean you wouldn't want to take any chances would you? Anyways, I'm sure it'd be a great bonding moment between in-laws. You'd have things to laugh about in 5 years. "Remember that time when you hung me upside down and stole my daughter, boy that was hilarious!" your father-in-law would remark. Maybe to get you back they'd come into your house and night, take your wife, nail your blankets down to the bed so you could never get free and never come back. Boy, you'd certainly have a laugh about that one. "What funny in-laws I have", you'd say. It'd be wonderful times all around I'm sure.

You See I Got These Sacks

I got to ask a question last week and well I did get some responses, so maybe next week I'll get responses too. Yay! Anyways last week I asked about dating three guys- Salmon suit, otter bait and "you look like a grapefruit" boy. Well the question was to girls, but I did get a mixed pool of responses.
Dave H. says, "(if I was a girl) "I'd rather date the guy who comparred me to the grapefruit constantly. Maybe he would be talking about my breasts, and seeing as though grapefruits are a decent size, that's a good thing. I'd really rather not date the guy who always gets attacked ... unless there was a way to get rid of the otters, then I'd pick him over the salmon guy."
Well Dave, I'm glad you're man enough to talk about having decent size breasts, but I still find it a little creepy.
Alisha R. Says, "I have given this some thought and I've come to a conclusion. The guy I would LEAST want to go out with would be the guy who dresses up in a salmon costume every time we go on a date. This is simply horrifyingly embarrassing. What girl would want to be seen in public with a giant salmon?? Costumes like that are only appropriate for outings such as all you can eat fish night and weddings. Secondly, the person I would MOST want to go out with (if forced I might add) would be the guy who compares me to a grapefruit. I don't like grapefruits but it's by far safer of a choice than dating the guy who gets attacked by wild otters.... you'd be attacked by association I'm sure. And besides, otters can leave some nasty scars and let's face it- I'm all about looks. Just kidding. Sort of. haha Okay theres my responce- I hope you are thankful I actually put effort into one of your questions."
Yes, Alisha, I am very thankful you put gave 110 % on this one, when some slackers didn't reply at all. Oops, just lost 98% of my readership. Although since they're slackers they won't put forth effort to hurt me so HA! And I agree, the fish suit would be awesome for weddings. I mean couldn't that be a great idea for a wedding. All the guests could wear salmon costumes and the wedding party could have fishing poles. OR the bride could wear the fish costume and the groom could be like "What a wonderful catch I've got. I'll throw the rest back now". Wouldn't that romantic? I certainly think so. Now don't you all go stealing that idea.
Nolan A. who was in Brighton, England may I add at the time he wrote this (Which means of the three responses so far, Medicine Hat is the closest place to here providing a response) says, "Well Trevor I'm very glad that you're letting us wish for dating people when we have such dreadful options before us. If those were my choices I know I'd start wishing to date completely different people too. So hmmm, I think I'd most wish to date a few girls I may have met across the ocean, not from me now you understand, across the ocean from where I live. But don't be confused. I wouldn't wish to date them simultaneously. I'd least wish to date dolphins. We could never live together in community. We'd have to part all the time. We would seldom see each other."
Now I don't recall dolphins being one of my options for this, but I suppose I'd rather not date a dolphin either. I mean while they are sleek and attractive, they live so far away. They don't talk much and it'd be like pulling teeth to figure out what you did wrong (even more so). Oh yes, and your half human-half dolphin children would be ridiculed. So yes, bad choices all around.One final response and yes, finally one from within 2 and a half hours of where I live. Oh yes, and our second girl to answer the question about which guy they'd like to date.
Karla K. says, "Well Trevor (if that is your real name) The answer to your question is simple. I would choose the guy who constantly compaired me to a grapefruit, because... well the other two would get weird looks and most likely get us kicked out of whatever place we were having this "DATE". At least if he was talking to me quietly or even loud less people would notice and only i would know i was dating a jerk. I mean really nice guy"
Well here's a problem I can see with this response. You say only you'd know you were dating a jerk. Well that'd certainly be a problem. Now wouldn't you hate it if you thought the guy you were dating was a jerk, but everyone else loved him? I think it'd be better to date a jerk that everybody knew was a jerk, because if you HAD to be dating him, at least you'd get sympathy.
Anyways, it's a clear win for Grapefruit boy. So boys out there, you now know what girls (and guys pretending to be girls) find attractive. Go and compare away.

This Week We Find Out Why Tea Bags Aren't Used As Fuel For Space Shuttles

I'm going to ask YET ANOTHER QUESTION. Boy, don't I seem like the prosecution now? I can be the good cop or the bad cop. It's your choice. No wait, that's my choice. Anyways......the question is thus: "If you were looking to find a place to live, would you rather live in a house with a live cow stuck in your wall, a house that read Shakespeare every night at 2 in the morning or a house that was made entirely of dirt. By the way, you can't fix any of these problems"Yes, it's reminiscent of last week's question, but I like these "would you rather" questions, so yep that's why it's there.

Making My Last Music Stand

I'm sure most of you have noticed I sold out to corporations for this issue and printed an ad before the article. Well you see, money is good and I like to have some. So yeah, that's why. If any of you want me to advertise you, you can just ask me. Because I'm certainly there to do those kinds of things.Oh yes, and since I caused you grief in that way, I'll give you a bonus. Just click on the attachment and read my list of my 100 favourite CD's (that I own). Have a great week and buy a Chevrolet while you're at it. Goodnight.

Trevor YVR Plett

(For those of you who have not figured out the title, it's a combination of three words: Reflex, flexable and bullet. Now you see the clear genius behind those things. I mean the irony or something is totally out there. Go tell Michaelango he's been bested by a mere mortal. Yep. It's so incredibly great that most humans can't figure out what it means. They will all think it's just a cool title with no other point and I can tell you that's an attitude that's very wrong. Very wrong. If I tried to explain the real meaning it would go over all of your heads. Yep.)