Not So Childish Edition

The Cantaloupe
Presents Children's Stories

Little Red Riding Hood

One Day Little Red Riding Hood was asked to go bring some food to Gramma's house. "No mama, I won't go", said Reddie. "But your Gramma can't take care of herself""Well why don't YOU go then"
"Because I told you to"
Well....they argued for a while until they came to the conclusion that it'd be much quicker to send a package through the mail. Anyway the wolf in the forest was getting lonely, because of the lack of little girls to eat. I mean the mail service had taken away all traveller's except for the mailman and he was just too big and grown up. Well that's when he got an idea. Why shouldn't he start up a volunteer organization. One that provides activities for little boys and girls. Anyway he fundraised and he got enough support to start this club. Little Red Riding Hood was one of the girls there. Well the activities seemed a little weird right off the bat. I mean rolling around in marinate was kinda fun, but that mixed with lessons on how to season one's self....it just was a little too much. So Little Red Riding Hood went up to the wolf and asked him why they were doing such funny things. Well the wolf replied, "Well then you'll taste so good....I mean then you'll uhhh....learn valuable life lessons." This seemed to make sense to Reddie. Not only were they learning valuable life lessons but they also would taste SO GOOD. Well club continued smoothly although membership seemed to be dropping. After hide-and-go seek in various ovens, there just weren't as many kids. And it seemed the wolf was getting too fat to run the club efficiently. Reddie just never seemed to get her turn in oven games or lighting oneself on fire or even tying oneself to a pole and rotating over an open fire. Well at this she dropped out of the club and got the woodcutter to destroy the club forever. At this the police stepped in and arrested both Reddie and the woodcutter and charged them with attempted murder and destroying property. Reddie pleaded insanity and spent the rest of her days thinking she was a radish.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up to hill and fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Jack lamented the loss of his favourite crown. It had been a gift from his uncle the King of Fantasia. After this he just wasn't the same fun-loving water-retrieving guy he was before. Jill tried to get him counselling, but Jack refused. Soon Jack was all alone when Jill broke up with him and started going out with his best friend Jim. Jack was sad until he found out he was really really good at tossing ketchup packets at accountants. Many a day he passed splotching suits with red goo. Well one day Jill came to him crying. "What's the matter?" he asked. "Jim wants to have 5 kids! I only want 4 kids! It will never work out." Well, Jack took this as an opportunity to get the only girl he had ever loved back. He showed her how amazing he had become at his new skill. He had even got good at tossing ketchup at computer programmers by now. Jill was really impressed, but there was one hurdle. Could they make it up the hill to fetch a pail of water? Well they tried. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Suddenly Jack wobbled. Would he fall? No, because this time he was in a helicopter. The helicopter landed on the top of the hill and let Jack and Jill off to get their water. When Jill pulled up the pail with water there was something else in it. It was a diamond ring! Jill immediately said "YES!". Jack wondered whose ring it really was. Either way, they lived happily ever after and had 5 kids. Also Jack now gained the ability to hit tuba players with mayonnaise.

The Continuing Adventures Of SirVR and McFrancination

Last time we checked in with this story, McFrancination the dragon was found innocent of insider trading and the brave and noble SirVR was receiving bribe money. The peasants in Cantelot were regrowing their left legs after their last escapade. The town was happy again and it seemed like it would always be so. However a dark menace appeared in the east. Fortunately for everyone this town was a long ways away from east. Either way another dragon flew into town one day. As this dragon would eat, he would drop litter onto the groung. This evil dragon was destroying the town with his mess! Again the town came hopping to SirVR telling him, "You must rid our village of this littering monster". SirVR told the villagers that if they were lying he'd have their right arm. Then he went out in search of the dragon. He even brought his old friend McFrancination. Then he saw it, the other dragon dropping a Doritos wrapper on the groundSirVR- HALT! You cannot continue thine foolish folly!Retwinkle (The Other Dragon's Name)- And what are you gonna do about it, cut off the right arm of everyone in the village?SirVR- If I have to, yesRetwinkle- Well go ahead because I'm not going to stop litteringMcFrancination- Look, there must be another way, you could burn all your garbage with your breathRetwinkle- Sorry, I'm not that kind of dragonJust then a huge storm built up, blowing all the garbage to the north out of town and into the town of Pixieburgh. The town cheered. With the wind constantly blowing this hard, Retwinkle could litter all he wanted and it would just end up polluting another town! Lucky for them, all they would lose is their lighter citizens and a few unsturdy cottages. SirVR was given an ostrich to ride and the dragons wandered freely, inside trading to their hearts content. The town was once again happy.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

The Cantaloupe is going to be old soon. And by that I mean ME. Well I must celebrate such a sad event by having a party. And you, the reader can join in the fun. Read the attachment to find out how. Or just email me. Or phone. Or talk. Something like that.

TREVOR "YVR" McPlett

(I would like to announce the birth of my first baby boy, Johnny John John Jonny. He weighs in at 1 pound. He was born at the age of zero. I hope you all give me presents)

Cantaloupe no. 25

The Cantaloupe 25th Edition
Aka The Edition That's Just Like Any Other Except That I Use A Larger Title Font

I'd like to personally thank everyone who works at the Cantaloupe, aka… uhhhh....me. Because that's certainly not a stuck up arrogant thing to do

Have you ever noticed nostalgia is just an excuse not to think of anything new?

Ahhh....the times have been great. I remember where I was the first time I sent out a Cantaloupe issue. I was sitting on a chair, staring at a computer. They were good times. Any way I hope you remember where you were the first time you received a Cantaloupe. Whether you were fighting a bull, in the shower or canoeing down the Nile, I'm sure you have great memories. These sorts of things are only brought about once every couple of years. I mean everyone remembers where they were for example when Fruit Loops announced they were adding green loops. I mean I vaguely remember when they added purple, but green was unheard of! 5 different colours. Wow! On this occasion I kinda expected someone from the Calgary Herald or something to send an interviewer but they didn't. I didn't even get the key to the city. Maybe it's coming in the mail. I don't know. Speaking of the key to the city, when you leave the city and you have the key should you lock it? Well that's something I'll find out soon enough. Wait, I hear a TV helicopter I think. No wait, that's just me typing. Awww.

By the way, thanks to everyone who replied to last week's question. As for you who didn't...well uhhhh....maybe we should talk....in a dark alley....with baseball bats. You know? Haven't you ever played a game of dark alley baseball? The last time I played I hit the game winning double.
Anyways you can still send those in if you really want...I don't care.

The Dating Guru is back!

What would be a fun topic for an issue of this magnitude? Well as you clearly saw in my "Dear Diary" issue, I'm an expert at dating. So today I will pass on some of my wisdom. If a girl asks you if she is or looks fat, tell her that "her fatness is nothing compared to her awesome personality". If a girl asks you if you want to dance tell her, "I think you're too fat to dance, but I sure like your personality". And when you meet a girl's parents tell them, "I can see being incredibly obese runs in the family, but clearly you all are nice people". It's that simple. Compliments can never be used too little I always say. By the way if you have any real or fake relationship questions I'd be glad to hear them. Because I can answer them in humorous ways.

Movie of the Week

Bambi 2: The Hunter's Revenge. The fifth full film by Quentin Tarantino. Lots of violence and gore. Yum yum.
Anyways I can't wait for issue 50 when I can do this again. Anyone who wants archived issues sent to them can just ask and they shall receive.

(Editor’s note from the future-I lied terribly about this one. People asked me, and I never did get around to sending out issues. What a terrible person I am.)

TREVOR "YVR" McPlett

(Those of you who subscribe to my newsletter know I mistaken didn’t put a caption here before and that I can rectify that. Because to tell you I contain material I didn’t before I must add new and better things. What, you don’t want your money’s worth?)

Cantaloupes Are Your Immanent Doom

The Cantaloupe

There's an old saying that goes "Those that stand on a thatched roof either fall or jump off". Well I'm one of those people that would rather jump than wait for my immanent doom. What does that have to do with this issue. Well rather than wait a couple weeks and not put anything out to you, I've decided to jump at the chance of putting something out quickly.

If only they promised our immanent doom

I was having lunch today when I glanced at the newspaper. One headline stuck out. This is from the Calgary Herald front page. And I quote "Ivan's fury can't be stopped". And at that I panicked. If it can't be stopped, it's only a matter of time until it destroys everything on the globe! Now those of you who have lived long enough (Geezers like me) will remember many deadly hurricanes. Well how many old school hurricanes are kickin' it around the globe. None. They all just seem to die. Well Ivan is different. At least if we listen to the newspaper. Now I realize that newspapers sometimes have to exaggerate to sell papers. I mean who wants to read about something commonplace. "MAN TAKES OUT TRASH", "RAIN STORM LEAVES MANY WET", "CAR ACCIDENT RESULTS IN MILD RAGE". No. That wouldn't work. Except for maybe me, I'd buy those in no time. But this is no exaggeration, it's either true or a complete lie. Either Ivan's fury will stop or it won't. Of course we all realize if it is true it seems to be a massive understatement. I mean wouldn't "IVAN WILL KILL ALL HUMAN LIFE" be more appropriate. Okay so hurricane's don't kill, but at least "IVAN WILL CONTINUE TO DESTROY MANY THINGS IN ITS PATH UNTIL THE END OF TIME" be a better thing to write? Well either way this devastating news made me call one of my best friends, Yerov the hard-working Russian farmer. And he told me a story

Did I say the words "immanent doom" yet?

Back in his native Siberia, Yerov had a childhood buddy named Ivan. Now you may be thinking "There's a lot of people named Ivan in Russia. It's kind of like Mike or David here". Well this Ivan would soon become a storm of reckless velocity. Yerov grew up with his parents who loved him very much in the town of Ugulyat in Siberia. Despite having fifty-five kids in a three bedroom house, Yerov felt very loved. His father Sergei and mother Ivana were the greatest parents anyone could ever ask for. Anyways, next door lived a kid named Ivan. His family only had 2 kids. He was the oldest and he had a younger brother, Ralph. Well Ivan as a kid always dreaming of being the cause of massive destruction. However being the awful parents they were, his parents never had faith in him. They told him that he had only one possible future. He would shovel manure as his father does, and his father before him and his father. Only his great-great grandfather had ever strayed from that line and caused massive destruction. It was simply unthinkable. However when Ivan's younger brother told his father he wanted to be a ventriloquist, his father readily agreed and supported him. Ivan was neglected and forgotten. Well as he got older, Ivan nearly gave up, but he matured, turned into a cloud formation over the Atlantic ocean spinning really, really fast, and soon he accomplished his dream. Well look who's laughing now! Actually Ivan's parents are comedians now so they laugh a lot too. As for Yerov, he learned to support each of his twenty-nine children in all that they do and when they themselves cause massive destruction he can say "That's my boy!". P.S. Yerov's elephant is doing fine in a zoo in Philadelphia. Yerov visited him two weeks ago and gave him some peanuts. Just for those who were wondering.

Immanent doom is fun to say

On the readers responses to last week's question based on what you'd do if you could live one day in my shoes. What would you bring for furniture?

"I'd bring my loft bed from IKEA. I love it. At night I wake up to go to the bathroom and bang my head on the roof. I couldnt live without that could I? And dont forget the advantage of being able to go under it(while bending over,breaking your back.)"-Kate V.K. (who by the way I am declaring my reader of the year so far. Why? Because I can. That's why)
Unluckily for you the roof is even lower in my shoes. My shoes are cramped but luckily the roof is soft and fuzzy. By the way, The Cantaloupe loves IKEA. It's a wonderful, wonderful furniture store. I mean they make products that look like they should be put out in 20 years. I can't wait til the hovering bed comes out.

"i would bring... a blanket.... so i could have a nap.... using your shoes as a pillow.... scented... yipee.."-Taylor B.
I can't figure out how you use my shoes as a pillow when you're living IN the shoes. I mean it's like using your house as a pillow. Which I suppose is just like not using a pillow. Does anyone do this? Wouldn't that be hard? I suppose you could do it if you got used to it.

Question of the Week

Next week (or whenever I put out the next issue) is the 25th issue of the Cantaloupe. What I'd love to do is get tons of response so I can use much viewer mail in honour of you folks. I'd like to set a record for most mail in a week. So I'm going to provide a "simple" question that can be answered in one word.

If you could describe yourself when you read the Cantaloupe in one word, what would it be? (Use two words if you absolutely have to)

As for me, I'm sailing off into the sunset. Unfortunately my boat leaks and I'll soon be swimming to shore after it sinks. Goodnight and have a happy tomorrow.

TREVOR "YVR" McPlett

(Buy the Cantaloupe today and you'll receive not only The Cantaloupe but also a free particle of dust hand carved with your name on it!)

Cantaloupes are Your Immanent Doom

The Cantaloupe

There's an old saying that goes "Those that stand on a thatched roof either fall or jump off". Well I'm one of those people that would rather jump than wait for my immanent doom. What does that have to do with this issue. Well rather than wait a couple weeks and not put anything out to you, I've decided to jump at the chance of putting something out quickly.

If only they promised our immanent doom

I was having lunch today when I glanced at the newspaper. One headline stuck out. This is from the Calgary Herald front page. And I quote "Ivan's fury can't be stopped". And at that I panicked. If it can't be stopped, it's only a matter of time until it destroys everything on the globe! Now those of you who have lived long enough (Geezers like me) will remember many deadly hurricanes. Well how many old school hurricanes are kickin' it around the globe. None. They all just seem to die. Well Ivan is different. At least if we listen to the newspaper. Now I realize that newspapers sometimes have to exaggerate to sell papers. I mean who wants to read about something commonplace. "MAN TAKES OUT TRASH", "RAIN STORM LEAVES MANY WET", "CAR ACCIDENT RESULTS IN MILD RAGE". No. That wouldn't work. Except for maybe me, I'd buy those in no time. But this is no exaggeration, it's either true or a complete lie. Either Ivan's fury will stop or it won't. Of course we all realize if it is true it seems to be a massive understatement. I mean wouldn't "IVAN WILL KILL ALL HUMAN LIFE" be more appropriate. Okay so hurricane's don't kill, but at least "IVAN WILL CONTINUE TO DESTROY MANY THINGS IN ITS PATH UNTIL THE END OF TIME" be a better thing to write? Well either way this devastating news made me call one of my best friends, Yerov the hard-working Russian farmer. And he told me a story

Did I say the words "immanent doom" yet?

Back in his native Siberia, Yerov had a childhood buddy named Ivan. Now you may be thinking "There's a lot of people named Ivan in Russia. It's kind of like Mike or David here". Well this Ivan would soon become a storm of reckless velocity. Yerov grew up with his parents who loved him very much in the town of Ugulyat in Siberia. Despite having fifty-five kids in a three bedroom house, Yerov felt very loved. His father Sergei and mother Ivana were the greatest parents anyone could ever ask for. Anyways, next door lived a kid named Ivan. His family only had 2 kids. He was the oldest and he had a younger brother, Ralph. Well Ivan as a kid always dreaming of being the cause of massive destruction. However being the awful parents they were, his parents never had faith in him. They told him that he had only one possible future. He would shovel manure as his father does, and his father before him and his father. Only his great-great grandfather had ever strayed from that line and caused massive destruction. It was simply unthinkable. However when Ivan's younger brother told his father he wanted to be a ventriloquist, his father readily agreed and supported him. Ivan was neglected and forgotten. Well as he got older, Ivan nearly gave up, but he matured, turned into a cloud formation over the Atlantic ocean spinning really, really fast, and soon he accomplished his dream. Well look who's laughing now! Actually Ivan's parents are comedians now so they laugh a lot too. As for Yerov, he learned to support each of his twenty-nine children in all that they do and when they themselves cause massive destruction he can say "That's my boy!".
P.S. Yerov's elephant is doing fine in a zoo in Philadelphia. Yerov visited him two weeks ago and gave him some peanuts. Just for those who were wondering.

Immanent doom is fun to say

On the readers responses to last week's question based on what you'd do if you could live one day in my shoes. What would you bring for furniture?

"I'd bring my loft bed from IKEA. I love it. At night I wake up to go to the bathroom and bang my head on the roof. I couldnt live without that could I? And dont forget the advantage of being able to go under it(while bending over,breaking your back.)"-Kate V.K. (who by the way I am declaring my reader of the year so far. Why? Because I can. That's why)
Unluckily for you the roof is even lower in my shoes. My shoes are cramped but luckily the roof is soft and fuzzy. By the way, The Cantaloupe loves IKEA. It's a wonderful, wonderful furniture store. I mean they make products that look like they should be put out in 20 years. I can't wait til the hovering bed comes out.

"i would bring... a blanket.... so i could have a nap.... using your shoes as a pillow.... scented... yipee.."-Taylor B.
I can't figure out how you use my shoes as a pillow when you're living IN the shoes. I mean it's like using your house as a pillow. Which I suppose is just like not using a pillow. Does anyone do this? Wouldn't that be hard? I suppose you could do it if you got used to it.

Question of the Week

Next week (or whenever I put out the next issue) is the 25th issue of the Cantaloupe. What I'd love to do is get tons of response so I can use much viewer mail in honour of you folks. I'd like to set a record for most mail in a week. So I'm going to provide a "simple" question that can be answered in one word.

If you could describe yourself when you read the Cantaloupe in one word, what would it be? (Use two words if you absolutely have to)

As for me, I'm sailing off into the sunset. Unfortunately my boat leaks and I'll soon be swimming to shore after it sinks. Goodnight and have a happy tomorrow.

TREVOR "YVR" McPlett

(Buy the Cantaloupe today and you'll receive not only The Cantaloupe but also a free particle of dust hand carved with your name on it!)

Never Knowing Where We're Going

The Cantaloupe

Again it has been a while since my last issue hit bookstores around the globe. That's to be expected right? I mean it's not like I'm getting paid for this. In fact I'd say I'm doing charity work. Thus I am willing to accept donations. Give me money, more money, maybe a kidney I can sell on the black market (I didn't add any undercover cops to my mailing list did I?). Actually I hear jails are quiet nice nowadays. Maybe there'll be internet and I'll have some "killer" material to write on. Sorry bout that. Couldn't resist.

I declare myself to be gold medal champion

The Olympics just ended and honestly I watched maybe a hour or two tops through the entire run. Either way most events are plain boring to watch. I mean who cares to watch the marathon which consists of people just running for hours? Anyway I've got some ideas to improve the following events
DIVING/SWIMMING- I say throw some hungry aquatic animals in the water. Maybe a shark and an alligator or two. Talk about performing under pressure, the diver not only must worry about missing the dive, but getting away once the dive is complete.
Announcer 1- What a rip entry on that dive!!
Announcer 2- The judges have to be impressed by that
A1- What's this? It looks like the alligator made a rip entry of his own!A2- Ha ha. That'd be a rip entry into the rib cage, Steve
A1- It appears the Chinese judge just loved how the alligator made it look easy.
A2- And the Brazilian alligator wins the gold.
BASKETBALL- With all the success of beach volleyball, I say let's move more events out to the beach environment. I mean that way less clothes can be worn and thus higher ratings. Wait, forget that I just said that. Anyway beaches are awesome. Can't you just imagine a basketball game on the beach. I mean it'd be a game without running, jumping, dribbling. So basically people would be lobbing half-court shots all game. Speaking of which....half court shots should be an Olympic event. It'd be no stupider than the Olympics adding archery or shooting to the Olympics. Oh wait, they ARE in the Olympics.
NEW EVENTS- If the Olympics are about speed and skill, I figure there's one new craze that can be added. How about speed dating in the Olympics? I suppose that'd be hard to judge though. I mean are we judged based on speed or the dating? I mean seeing how many dates you could have in an amount of time might be fun, but what constitutes a date? And doesn't the quality of date matter? Either way the Olympics is lacking some good couples events. How about a couples sprint where you have to be lip-locked at all times? I mean that'd be a difficult way to run, but how entertaining would it be! And let's throw in an alligator or two. Oh yes I love my violence. I mean what would life be without violence? Everyone getting along, singing, holding hands. Loserish. I mean who could stand a couple years of everyone getting along. It wouldn't be interesting at all. What would I have to write about? Well I'm sure I could find something. Uhh.......Subject without violence....subject without violence....I'd kill someone to find a subject without violence.....I'm sorry. This issue has not been up to the usual standards I hold myself up to. Wait, I have no standards. In fact if I had standards I wouldn't have released half my issues. I should be on the CBC!!

The Part of Year we all look Forward To

It's time for another year of schooling. Well I've got a helpful tip for you schooling folks in case you ever feel like missing a class. Well certainly skipping is unacceptable, all of us at the Cantaloupe feel that way. However what you need to do is learn a lesson from Michael Jordan. When he didn't feel like playing anymore he just retired. Then when he wanted to come back he did. So feel like skipping. Just retire from schooling. Then later....unretire. It works like a charm. I mean skipping isn't acceptable, but certainly retirement is a valid excuse.

Question Of The Week

If you could live one day in my shoes....what furniture would you bring with you?

Next Week on....We reveal the secret of gravity. Why is it the way it is? Why doesn't it suck you upwards or sideways? Why doesn't it turn you into stone? Oh wait...you already know that. Fine then. Be that way! JERKS! No wait....sorry....SORRY! Don't unsubscribe! I need you the loyal reader. Of course if you were so loyal you'd have paid me money.....JERKS!!! I know where some of you live. I wouldn't mess with me if I were you. Maybe I should end this quickly before I degenerate into complete nonsense. Have a great month of September. As for me....I'm in Edmonton for Harvest Moon Festival 2004. Yay!

TREVOR "YVR" McPlett

(jag skulle göra vad som helst för en kopp is te just nu!)
(Also you may want to check out the lovely picture of me wearing a pink shirt!)
(Attached!)
(Sköna Flicka)
(I Said Nothing...Nevermind Me. The comment above was random and has nothing to do with the picture)