The Juice Is Loose

The Cantaloupe

Well I'm back at the computer after issue number one. Actually what you guys don't know is that I'm actually STILL at the computer after sending my last issue, but you guys won't get this one until later. Got to write while I've got free time you know? I mean my stupid class got cancelled today and if I had known that before I wouldn't even be up at this hour. 10:00?? Crazy early.

Reaction To The Juice

Since I already seem to have enough good material I'll save all questions for the next volume. Keep sending them though. However there's one comment that I must share from my email inbox. It concerns the poor and laughter. "If I was poor I would be laughing all the time, because what else could I do? Watch TV. in my house? Have a snack from my fridge? no, I would be standing on the sidewalk laughing my arse off at everyone and anything I see." Now let me say....I was wrong! It's the rich who need your laughter. Have you ever seen one of the people in business suits on the C-Train? My guess is THEY don't ever laugh. So next time you're on the train steal their briefcase, then give it back and say it's a joke...it'll lighten their day a little.

Hustle And Bustle

Well as you all know Christmas just came and went. Me, I love Christmas. Surprisingly enough, I even like Christmas shopping. You might ask why I would enjoy something so sadistic. Well I know Christmas is already gone, but here's an idea for what to do next year. Go into a store like a Toys R' Us or well anything that is overly packed during the holiday season. Find something completely lame like Mario does His Laundry video games (wait that'd actually be pretty cool) and yell out "THEY'RE IN STOCK! AND I'M THE FIRST PERSON TO GET ONE! MY KID WILL BE SO HAPPY!!!" Now of course none of the people I'm sending this to look old enough to have kids, but all parents want to get their kids the trendiest items for Christmas. Most likely this will cause a mad rush for whatever it is you yell out. Just make sure you get away before the stampede crushes you. And while you're at it, maybe get the store to pay you, as you just created a buying frenzy. Don't you want extra money next year for the holidays? I do.

Mashed Potatoes

Also as part of this whole package I figure I can do poetry or lists (well actually I can do whatever I want).

Mashed potatoes are real great
I'd like a lot on my plate
And if you eat them on a date
You might find your future mate

Okay I'm sorry. I won't win any awards for that last piece.

Cool or Uncool

This is a section I thought up today. Personally I would say that I myself am cool. Now some might debate this, but those people shouldn't be reading this newsletter. If you are one of those, please at least skip to the next section. Well as one that is cool, I figure I can do some public service by telling all you people what is cool and what is not. (EDITOR'S [Which of course is me] NOTE- In fact I wrote a really good paragraph about an issue close to my heart, but just now it hit me. Why am I helping you all to be cool?? I mean if everyone else is cool, then cool will become the new cool and I won't be cool anymore. That's no fun and I'll have none of it. You all must stay as uncool as possible so I become much much cooler by comparison. Now you may call me selfish, but in fact I will help you all become cooler. Two words for you [plus one bonus word]. COOL BY ASSOCIATION.) That's how you become cool.

Quote Of The Week

"When life gives you lemons, throw them at old people"-Me...today....now-

Extra quote of the week"I once heard the voice of God. It said 'Vrrrrmmmmm.' Unless it was just a lawn mower." -Unknown (Age 11)

The Last Paragraph

In the interest of my already bloated ego, I allow you to pass this newsletter on to anyone who doesn't already receive it. The more youth corrupted by this, the better.Clearly my plans for this are to take over the world and if you thought otherwise you are mistaken. I can always use interesting tidbits so send them to me and I'll see what i can do. I mean this newsletter is sent to count them....2 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES! Oh I suppose only one reader will understand that...oh well...if I can't have inside jokes than I cease to be who I am. For the rest of you....tough luck. Note the overuse of the (...) system in this newsletter. The writing police would be all over me, but you won't tell them right? Remember always that the future is very predictable. Of course you're often wrong. But you still predicted something! Take comfort in that. I predict now that you will live to see another taco. Tune in next week where I will talk about Nigeria and the impact of their economy on my feet.

YVR / Trevor / Me

(The Cantaloupe is not copyright anyone, year anytime. If you want to republish, rebroadcast without my expressed written permission, or that of Major League Baseball, go right ahead, because legally I can't do squat. In fact I encourage you to do so)